A man watches a television screen showing President Trump, left, and North Korean leader Kim Jong Un in Seoul on Aug. 10. (Ahn Young-joon/Associated Press)

Trump’s Threat to North Korea Was Improvised
–New York Times headline

If President Trump is doing improv, that explains why I have been stuck in a basement every night for weeks not laughing. It explains a lot of other things, honestly. What is more likely, that the president thinks Jared Kushner can succeed where hundreds of experienced diplomats have failed, or that a man from the audience shouted, “WHAT IF A BABY HAD TO FIX THE MIDDLE EAST” and the team went with it?  I just wish that everyone around him would stop saying “yes, and.”

Here are a few other great improv scenarios and prompts that Trump has been sharing with us over the past 200 days. Based on the suggestions, I assume the audience is drunk.

  • Long rambling monologue about nothing that has to serve as the basis for scenes performed live on national television by his long-form team, the Trump Surrogates
  • Man who clearly possesses no medical training has to play a zany doctor who assures the president of the United States that his health is perfect
  • Baby has to fix the Middle East! Added suggestion: baby refuses to read any more books to learn about the situation
  • “If It’s What You Say I Love It”: An important man arranges with a [zany music promoter] to meet a [Russian lawyer] to talk about [adoption.] Should have said! An important man AND his brother-in-law arrange with a [zany music promoter who is in a relationship with “Bread"] to meet a [Russian lawyer with government ties] to talk about [damaging information about Hillary Clinton]! Wait, no.
  • The president of the United States must fire missiles at a [non-geographic location]
  • Guy in back won’t stop yelling “COVFEFE” during all scenes
  • The president of the United States and every president of every country are all in a big HANDSHAKE CONTEST!
  • Have to hold phone like it’s a real phone and not make a fake phone out of your hand while calling [name of country] to yell at the prime minister
  • A Southern man named [First Name of A Famous Confederate] [Last Name of a Famous Confederate] is put in charge of a [very inappropriate place for him to be in charge of]
  • Everyone must work to pass an INVISIBLE BILL that will endanger a [cartoonishly large number] of lives by midnight! Added bonus: the president has no idea what the bill is, but he has to encourage people to pass it anyway
  • The president’s chief of staff is a [random series of vowels] that the president mocks every time he says it
  • While at dinner in the public dining room of a [non-geographic location], the president and his friend from [foreign country] get information about a [serious threat] and have to make a speech about it
  • The president of the United States is very upset at the president of Mexico because he will not pay to build an imaginary wall
  • In a speech to Boy Scouts, the president has to work in “Fake News CNN” and a story about his friend’s VERY INTERESTING life
  • Someone runs in and starts a scene by shouting, “Terrible! Just found out that Obama had my “wires tapped” in Trump Tower just before the victory.”
  • Fake News Conference: A terrified former Easter Bunny must explain to members of the press what the White House is doing each day. He taps out when the White House adds a [New York ethnic group] caricature who has taken too many [name of stimulant] and just gotten a [sad thing that can happen in a marriage]
  • Questions Only: New format for press briefings
  • After every statement, the people around the president get to scramble to say what he should have said
  • A group of zany characters with weird accents show up and you have to guess how they are involved with the party
  • Performers have to stand in front of a weird backdrop and make up fake news, using the words “jobs” as often as possible. (Also, approximately two women are involved and they’re trying WAY TOO HARD to fit in even though the environment is clearly toxic.)
  • Freeze! (nuclear, everywhere)