White nationalist groups march with torches through the University of Virginia campus. (Mykal McEldowney/The Indianapolis Star via AP)

The Trump administration is a huge believer in the power of protest! Many protesters are very fine people, as President Trump has pointed out, and that is because they abide by these common-sense rules for peaceful protesters.

“But wait,” you ask. “How can I tell if I am a very fine person or a son of a b—-?” Good question.

Just so we are absolutely clear on the guidelines for protests approved by the Trump administration, I am putting them here. Be very, very careful, or you will be FIRED!

1. Respect the Flag

Under the Trump administration, you have carte blanche to respect all kinds of flags, be they red, white and blue with stars from 240 years ago or red, white and blue with stars from just 150 years ago! When disposing of a well-respected flag, fold it gently with exquisite care. Be as careful with the flag as you would not be with the head of a person you were putting into a police car.

When honoring the flag and thinking how best to respect it, keep Puerto Rico as far from your thoughts as possible, as the flag is perfect as it is and remembering that Puerto Rico is part of the United States might someday lead to ruining the flag’s aesthetic with additional stars.

2. Protect Objects at All Costs

If you break a window, you are going to cause a family a lot of pane. That window could have led a long, productive life during which it never once knelt during the national anthem or caused a police officer to feel threatened, unless maybe the officer turned around suddenly, saw his reflection in it and got startled. The devastation you have caused will never be remedied, and there will be a hole in the world and a family’s heart forever because of your actions. Wait, am I thinking of windows, or something different? Oh, well, anyway: This is a handy way of knowing if you are a good kind of protester or a bad kind.

The same goes for statues. The Trump administration believes in and supports peaceful protest when it revolves around an important issue like protecting the lives of vulnerable statues. Ask yourself, am I protesting something that is being done to a human being (pathetic, weak, fragile, possibly not a Trump voter) or an inanimate object (beautiful, noble, symbolic, definitely would have voted for Trump if given the opportunity)? Human bodies are absurd flesh dumpsters (except Donald Trump’s body, which is perfect, a shrine to health and clean living), whereas metal bodies are immaculate and perfect and clean. Wherever a statue is, it is supposed to be, and it is rude to act suspicious of it or try to make it leave.

3. Stand

You may well ask, “What made the torch-wielding white supremacists in Charlottesville ‘very fine people’ while Colin Kaepernick gets called a ‘son of a [noun]’?” Simple. The white supremacists were standing. Which meant that if the national anthem began to play at any time, they were ready to give it ample respect. Kneeling is always frowned upon, as is raising your hand (unless there is a torch in it), as both of these gestures have historically proven very startling to officers of the law. If you think this sounds like overreaction, just remember how alarming and threatening it seemed to the president of the United States when Kaepernick knelt peacefully.

4. Does it have to be nonviolent?

Only if you are not fine people.

5. How do I know if I am fine people?

Surely you understand by now the distinction between Colin Kaepernick and those excellent protesters with button-downs and torches. The difference is black and white.