Screenshot from tiffany.com.

Fancy jewelry purveyor Tiffany has come out with a line of whimsical Everyday Objects, including such objects as a “tin can” ($1,000, sterling silver and vermeil), paper cup (in sterling silver), ball of yarn ($9,000; it is a paperweight), yo-yo and pillbox.

Is it possible to make fun of a collection that even Marie Antoinette might think was tone-deaf to purchase? I am not sure. Maybe, from a luxury brand perspective, the best satire is just to be yourself. This is the only tin can some Tiffany’s customers have ever seen. I hope they will consider the following additions.

  • Cracked cell phone. Constructed of walnut and Amazonite. ($1,000)
  • Cockroach. Sterling silver, with realistic movement and rechargeable batteries. ($800)
  • Utility bill. Printed on hand-made artisanal paper. Overdue. ($250)
  • Bic pen. ($95)
  • Bus Seat. Life-size, mounted and embossed. Scented. Walnut and sterling silver ($85,000.)
  • Subway Pole. A pole touched by no hands — but yours. Amazonite. ($95,000)
  • Pill Bottle Filled With Someone Else’s Costly, Lifesaving Medication, Sealed And Coated In Silver. Fun touch for a guest-room or surprise for a medicine cabinet. Ecru or gold. ($9,500, for white gold add $500)
  • Medical bill of someone without health insurance. Custom-made, add any name you want. Great birthday surprise. ($600)
  • Sound landscape. Treat yourself with this recording of a loud disagreement and sensual rapprochement happening in the apartment next door, performed by two Tony winners, with the accompaniment of a dripping faucet and dog barking somewhere in the distance. One hour. ($3,000)
  • Eviction notice. Calligraphed on card-stock. A whimsical touch for any apartment. ($500)
  • McDonald’s wrapper. Hand-crumpled, then frosted with silver. ($100)
  • Takeout container. Sterling silver. ($350)*

*Never mind. This was on the list already. I give up.