If things keep going this way, I fear the Senate of the future will look something like this:
- Unrepentant Groping Hand Protruding From a Big Stack of Bibles (R-Ala.)
- Black and White Picture of a Judge Sitting on a Porch (R-Ala.)
- Six Startled Elk Who Sometimes Demand Money for an Invisible Bridge (R-Alaska)
- Lisa Murkowski (R-Alaska)
- John McCain Delivering a Stirring Address to an Empty Chamber, Accompanied Everywhere by Sarah Palin’s Vengeful Ghost (R-Ariz.)
- Angry Lobster Brimming With Hatred of Minorities Who Has Taken Jeff Flake’s Seat and Cares Not for the Law (R-Ariz.)
- Praying Mantis (R-Ark.)
- Atheist Mantis (D-Ark.)
- Cool Lady Who Comes to Your High School to Talk About Drugs (D-Calif.)
- Big Envelope of Money from Private Prisons Under a Pink Knitted Hat (D-Calif.)
- Ham-Fisted Series of Apologies (D-Colo.)
- NPR Voice That Has Somehow Gotten Loose (D-Colo.)
- Human-Sized Lego (D-Conn.)
- Thread of Tweets (D-Conn.)
- A Sock (D-Del.)
- Guy Who Won’t Leave Because He Wants to Stay and Apologize Even Though a Woman Has Been Waiting for His Seat for Eight Years (D-Del.)
- Little Boy in A Sailor Suit Holding An Oversized Lollipop (R-Fla.)
- The Rock (D-Fla.)
Kid Rock- A Rock (R-Ga.)
- A Boulder (R-Ga.)
- Festive Boulder (D-Hawaii)
- Beautiful Cupcake With a Fondant Flower on It Left Outside Someone’s Door as an Apology and Then Devoured by a Raccoon (D-Hawaii)
- A Turnip (R-Idaho)
- Boot Stepping on the Human Face, Forever (R-Idaho)
- Tammy Duckworth (D-Ill.)
- Limpet (R-Ill.)
- Wax Sculpture That Exactly Resembles Mike Pence but, I’m Told, Isn’t (R-Ind.)
- Elegant Gold Skeleton (D-Ind.)
- Elephant Slowly and Painfully Dying After Being Shot in the Wrong Place (R-Iowa)
- Man Who Shot It Clad in Ivory Cufflinks (R-Iowa)
- Series of Restraining Orders That Has Been Taught to Shout “Tax Reform” at Regular Intervals (R-Kan.)
- Unapologetic Arsonist (R-Kan.)
- Mitch McConnell, Powerless and Trapped in a Plastic Cell Where the New Members of His Delegation Taunt Him (R-Ky.)
- Rand Paul, Is He Okay? I Hope He Isn’t Seriously Hurt (R-Ky.)
- Person Who Refuses to Apologize for Anything Even Though He Is Obviously Holding a Severed Head (R-La.)
- Touchy-Feely Invisible Hand That Claims It Is Something to Do With the Economy (R-La.)
- Rock Lobster (R-Maine)
- Sexy but Problematic Ghost of Franklin Pierce (D-Maine)
- Pigeon That Had Something the Matter With Its Foot That I Saw Once in Union Station and Cannot Un-See (D-Md.)
- Swamp Thing (D-Md.)
- Series of Regulations Wrapped Up in a Coat (D-Mass.)
- Problematic Disney Heroine (D-Mass.)
- Six Birds Trapped in a Suit Jacket (D-Mich.)
- Fifteen Men on a Dead Man’s Chest (R-Mich.)
- Al Franken’s Old Suit Jacket Stuffed With Frantic Apologies Shambling from Committee to Committee for Decades Without Making Eye Contact (D-Minn.)
- Grumpy Newsman (R-Minn.)
- Quentin Compson (D-Miss.)
- Old Plantation House Full of Hideous Secrets and Unthinkable Lies (R-Miss.)
- Man Politely Vacating His Seat for a Woman but Not Just Yet (D-Mo.)
- The Word “No” (D-Mo.)
- Actual Pharmaceutical (R-Mont.)
- Contrite Reformed Satyr (D-Mont.)
- Preschool on Cursed Burial Ground (D-Neb.)
- Bright, Promising Young Man Who May Someday Make Something of Himself (R-Neb.)
- Slot Machine Spitting out Apologies to the Wrong People (D-Nev.)
- Lobbyist Who Fell Into a Swamp and Ate a Mysterious Squash and Now He Can See the Beginning and End of All Things and You Too Can Try the Squash but Be Warned That It Will Pronounce a Verdict on You and You Will Know for Once and All If You Are Good or Not (R-Nev.)
- Woman Who Is Bad Somehow (D-N.H.)
- Granola With Love in It That Was Not Licensed by the FDA (D-N.H.)
- Good Apology (R-N.J.)
- Bad Apology (R-N.J.)
- Succulent (D-N.M.)
- Alien Bursting out of a Human Stomach With a Hideous Shriek (R-N.M.)
- Demand That Someone Else Apologize (D-N.Y.)
- Crude Child’s Drawing of the Empire State Building (D-N.Y.)
- Human Typo (D-N.C.)
- Animatronic Confederate Statue (R-N.C.)
- A Big Fish That Looks Statesmanlike (R-N.D.)
- No Apology (R-N.D.)
- Boil (D-Ohio)
- Invasive Exam That the State Senate Decided All Women Should Have (R-Ohio)
- Sexy Rosie the Riveter Costume (R-Okla.)
- Ghost Who Is Trying to Help (D-Okla.)
- Series Of Hedging Statements (D-Ore.)
- Large Adult Son (R-Ore.)
- Suspicious Man in a Trench Coat Who Keeps Bumping Into Russian Affiliates but It’s Definitely Fine (R-No One Can Say)
- Pokemon Go to the Polls (D-Pa.)
- Little Green Ghoul (R-Pa.)
- Murderous Gourd (D-R.I.)
- That Feeling You Get When You Step Into a Room and Something’s Been Moved (D-R.I.)
- Scorpion Asking for a Ride Across a River (R-S.C.)
- Mint Julep With a Cigarette Holder Resting on the Rim (D-S.C.)
- The Night King (R-S.D.)
- Many of Hand-Written Apology Notes Addressed to the Wrong Person (D-S.D.)
- Vile Cloud Periodically Haunted By Bob Corker’s Ghost, Full Of Good Advice, But Unable To Make Himself Understood (R-Tenn.)
- Wedding Cake With a Man and a Woman on Top of It, by God (R-Tenn.)
- Thing That Appears in Your Mirror If You Light a Candle and Speak Unholy Words (R-Tenn.)
- Rick Perry’s Glasses All by Themselves Making a Run for It (R-Tex.)
- Lifelike Replica of Ted Cruz (R-Tex.)
- What Remains of Mitt Romney’s Soul After That Dinner With Trump (R-Utah)
- Hive That Has Been Struck With a Stick From Which an Enraged Buzzing Can Be Heard (R-Utah)
- Granola Without Love in It (D-Vt.)
- Bernie Sanders’s Glasses and Hair (I-Vt.)
- Big Teddy Bear You Got at the Dentist’s Office (D-Va.)
- Animated Windsock With Strong Opinions About Corruption (D-Va.)
- Still Not Enough Women (D-Wash.)
- Controversial Coffeemaker (D-Wash.)
- Enormous Pile of Coal Formed Into a Crude Facsimile of a Man (R-W.Va.)
- Ghost Who Won’t Say Sorry (R-W.Va.)
- A Glass Tube That Contains a Thousand Voices Crying out in Terror (R-Wis.)
- Cheerful Cow With No Policy Experience (D-Wis.)
- Vegan Bear (R-Wyo.)
- Regular Bear (R-Wyo.)
Here is what the presidency will look like:
- Donald Trump.