James O’Keefe, the founder of Project Veritas. (Aaron Davis/The Washington Post)

Oh, Project Veritas. The James O’Keefe-helmed organization, clearly operating on the assumption that all you have to do to be an anonymous source is send a vague email out of the blue and it will appear in print with no questions, appears to have sent a woman to The Post to falsely claim that Roy Moore had impregnated her at 15. But she told an inconsistent story, had not removed the GoFundMe page saying she was headed to New York to take down the liberal MSM and was then spotted walking into the headquarters of Project Veritas. In other words, it did not go as planned.

Still, what a plan! The news side is very clever, but I am only a humor columnist, and sometimes I miss things. Now that I know that such sneaky things are possible, I have gone over my past contacts with a fine-toothed comb, and I am not sure whom I can trust. 

  • Woman who claimed she could “take down President Trump,” if I just “promised that that was what I was really after,” but all three of her hands were mop handles.
  • Pirate with a peg leg and a strangely motionless shoulder-parrot with a flashing red light coming out of one eye. I asked, “Is that a recording device?” and the pirate said, “In a sense, aren’t ALL parrots recording devices?” but then we made eye contact for too long and he tore off his peg leg and bolted out of the coffee shop.
  • Enormous papier-mache head with a large microphone protruding from one nostril that asked only to be identified as Bill Clinton.
  • Wooden horse left in the mailroom that when tapped on the side and asked “Are you full of Project Veritas employees dressed up like Greek soldiers?” paused for a few seconds and then said, “No.”
  • College student who wanted to meet for coffee to get career advice, but then all the career questions were, “How can I grow up to print so many lies?” and “Did making fake news come easily to you, or did you struggle at first to have to print so many obvious untruths about our wonderful president, whom we can agree, between the two of us, is a perfect man unjustly maligned by liars like yourself?”
  • Entity claiming to be a ghost full of secrets that was clearly just a guy in a tablecloth (which is a shame because he finally explained that rabbit-Jimmy Carter incident in a way I could understand).
  • James O’Keefe in dark glasses and a big name-tag that said “ANTIFA AGITATOR” who said, “Just print the worst lies about Donald Trump you can possibly think of and we’ll back them up. Any lies you like! I know how this works.”
  • James O’Keefe again in a different set of dark glasses and a fake nose who said, “How wise of you to see through that ‘Antifa Agitator.’ But I have been sent by the Clinton machine!” and then kept winking and wouldn’t stop, while trying to hand me a big envelope labeled “SCOOPS” that was clearly filled with email forwards he had printed out.
  • Half of a pantomime horse costume that said it could “blow the whole Cabinet wide open” but kept giving inconsistent answers when asked if it was supposed to be half a horse, a guy in a horse costume, or a centaur.
  • Six layers of raincoat that may or may not have had a person under them.
  • Bag of novelty dollars that said “I AM CLINTON CASH, PLEASE PRINT THE FOLLOWING LIE” on it in large block letters.
  • Potted plant with a red flag in it, but there was clearly a person inside raising and lowering the flag.
  • Man in a trench coat who lured me into a parking garage saying he had information but would not give it to me unless I said the password: “We  are definitely fake news! We are not to be trusted.”
  • Someone who claimed her name was Ann … Ann Onymous Source.