“At this festive season of the year, Mr. Scrooge,” said the gentleman, taking up a pen, “it is more than usually desirable that we should make some slight provision for the poor and destitute, who suffer greatly at the present time. Many thousands are in want of common necessaries; hundreds of thousands are in want of common comforts, sir.”
“Are there no prisons?” asked Scrooge.
“Plenty of prisons,” said the gentleman, laying down the pen.
“And the Union workhouses?” demanded Scrooge. “Are they still in operation? … I don’t make merry myself at Christmas and I can’t afford to make idle people merry. I help to support the establishments I have mentioned — they cost enough; and those who are badly off must go there.”
On the bright side, it’s 2017. We don’t live in a Dickensian nightmare where people retort, “Are there no workhouses?” in response to requests for assistance. We live in a different nightmare, where people have euphemisms. So, here is:
TINY TIM’S GOFUNDME
Hey, Bob Cratchit here. So it turns out I can’t get insurance through my employer, and my son “Tiny” Tim (shown here, Christmas goose for scale) needs treatment our family can’t afford.
Here he is at the movies. He loves the Muppets — they’re his favorite!
Here he is with his mom and his favorite big sister, Martha, on her first day at her new job!
If you know us at all, you know that even though he’s tiny, Tim is a big part of our lives. His seat in the chimney corner is where we look whenever we want to cheer up. He never complains, even though he’s been through a lot. He’s wise beyond his years, and he’s been a trooper — and a fighter.
Unfortunately, Tim’s disease is getting worse, and his medical bills have exceeded our ability to pay. He needs a new crutch, and he’s outgrowing the iron body brace he wears. He hasn’t seen a doctor in months. We want to get him the treatment he needs. That’s why we started this GoFundMe page. Please help us fill the gap that my employer won’t!
I hope these paragraphs are persuasive enough for you. We are talking about a child’s life. I keep looking around GoFundMe and wondering what I have to do to stand out, exactly. There are so many kids on here.
Should I make you laugh? Here is something funny Tim said: “God bless Mr. Scrooge!” That is funny ironically because it is thanks to my employer, Mr. Scrooge, that he does not have access to health care, but Tim loves everyone. I guess that’s both ironic and uplifting? Please, tell me what you want. I promise, Tim is that. And more.
What do I need to say? Maybe if I explain that he is actually a very expensive plane, or that he works harder than other children, or something? Christ.
We just need the money right now to help pay for him to see a doctor and get medicine. That’s it. In this Christmas season, please consider giving. God bless you, every one.
Chuck Grassley (30 days ago)
I love your picture of Tim at the movies. Cute kid, but has he considered spending less time at the movies? That’s probably why you can’t afford treatment.
Orrin Hatch (28 days ago)
I have a rough time wanting to spend billions and billions and trillions of dollars to help people who won’t help themselves, won’t lift a finger and expect the federal government to do everything. Unfortunately, the liberal philosophy has created millions of people that way who believe everything they are or ever hope to be depends upon the federal government rather than the opportunities that this great country grants them.
Mrs. Cratchit (28 days ago)
Guys, please, don’t comment if you’re not going to donate. I just want to say: We’re all working very hard. These medical expenses came out of nowhere, and I don’t know what we could have done differently, other than maybe be born with wealthier parents, something Bob and I have considered many times. Bob is in the office right now on a holiday, even though it is freezing cold and they don’t have any heat there, which, frankly, can’t be good for his health, either, and, as mentioned, he doesn’t get health insurance.
Ebenezer Scrooge (27 days ago)
Bob, it looks like you made this at work. This is not a proper use of the office computer. Has Tiny Tim considered getting a job of his own instead of relying on handouts? He may need one if you continue behaving like this.
Bob Cratchit (26 days ago)
I’m so sorry, Mr. Scrooge. I was multitasking during a lull. Tim is too little to be able to do a job, and his illness makes him very weak. Maybe one day, if we are lucky, he can get a summer job and follow in the footsteps of entrepreneurs like you! I bet he’d love to. But for now, we think Tim’s pretty useful just being himself!
Bob Cratchit (21 days ago)
Update: Wow! Almost to our goal! Thanks, everyone. It would mean a lot to Tim if he could see a doctor before New Year’s. Tim is sleepy a lot, but when he’s awake he is super excited that so many people care about him. He wants to make you feel special, too, so he wanted me to say that if you share this on Facebook, he will make a video for you saying “God Bless Us, Every One, But Especially [Your Name].” Please share this around.
Mitt Romney (20 days ago)
So sorry you’ve fallen on hard times. Have you tried getting a loan from your father? That’s a very easy way to get money fast.
MAGA12 (6 days ago)
DECREASE THE SURPLUS POPULATION
Bob Cratchit (1 day ago)
Please don’t comment if you’re not going to donate. We’re super close to the goal, but not quite there! Deadline is in JUST ONE DAY! Tim says to “remember who it was who first healed the sick and made the lame walk.” Frankly, we could use a miracle.
Anonymous (2 hours ago)
LESS POSTING MORE WORKING
Ghost of Christmas Future (1 hour ago)
[Picture of crutch on an empty chair]
Ebenezer Scrooge (1 hour ago)
So sorry for your loss. Sending thoughts and prayers.
Mrs. Cratchit (1 hour ago)
You probably saw our post on Facebook, but Tim passed last night. I know he’s in a better place. It would be hard not to be in a better place than one that allows this to happen. I mean, for crying out loud, this is the present. We’re not in, like, Victorian England. Are we?
Anonymous (Just now)
Good luck with the fundraiser! He seems like a really special kid.