Vice President Pence waves. (Susan Walsh/AP)

Recently, Tony Perkins, president of the Family Research Council, talked to Politico’s Edward-Isaac Dovere to explain why evangelical Christians such as he were still supporting President Trump. He had a lot to say! For instance, he observed that evangelicals “were tired of being kicked around by Barack Obama and his leftists. And I think they are finally glad that there’s somebody on the playground that is willing to punch the bully.”

“What happened to turning the other cheek?” Dovere asked.

“You know, you only have two cheeks,” Perkins replied. He went on: “Christianity is not just about being a welcoming mat that people can stomp their feet on.”

Well said. It is past time that evangelicals stop letting the Bible dictate how they feel about things. This nonsense book full of terrible, outdated opinions has kicked them around long enough, and it is good that they are taking a stand and making some updates. I have taken the liberty of revising this ancient text in light of this new attitude. Look, I’m an Episcopalian, which means, for the most part, that “if it happened 500 years ago, we are just fine with it, whatever it is, and we would like everyone to be able to do it now,” and I am not used to this kind of radical revision. But I guess what you lose in tradition you gain in charisma.

Please use the following updated edition of the Beatitudes and other scriptural highlights:

Turn the other cheek. You only have two cheeks.

Suffer little children to come unto me unless of course they are immigrants who all are probably affiliated with ISIS in some way and we are quite right to want nothing to do with them.

Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. I will be the greatest president God ever created. 

Blessed are those who mourn, for they will pay no inheritance tax.

Blessed are the meek. I think they are finally glad that there is somebody on the playground that is willing to punch the bully.

Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness. The president can’t have a conflict of interest.

Blessed are the merciful, for they will be shown mercy. Build the wall! Lock her up!

Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called children of God. I can’t stand John McCain.

Blessed are you when others revile you and persecute you and utter all kinds of evil against you falsely on my account. Rejoice and be glad, for your reward in heaven is great, for so they persecuted the prophets who were before you. Christianity is not just about being a welcoming mat that people can stomp their feet on.

Therefore I say to you, her sins, which are many, are forgiven, for she loved much his sins, which are FEW, are forgiven, for he has put Neil Gorsuch on the Supreme Court.

Look, it’s one thing to argue, as Perkins did, that we live in a world where you can never find anyone who will live up to your standards, and therefore justice must be coupled with mercy. Absolutely. But it’s another thing to abandon the principle itself. Which is happening here? I always used to think that the Bible was more than a book of increasingly mean excuses for refusing to bake someone a wedding cake, but maybe I have an older edition. Still not sure what’s going on in Revelation, though.