PepsiCo’s chief executive has suggested the company might manufacture a new line of Doritos for the ladies – one that will make less noise and come in a smaller, more PURSE-READY packet! Frankly, if this were satire I would be annoyed by it and worry that Reductress had fallen off its game.
Here are a few other foods, revised by that same genius marketing mind, since I guess we are doing this.
Lady Doughnuts: These come in the same size container as an ordinary doughnut, but it is just a picture of a doughnut printed on laminated paper so that you can make it seem on Instagram as though you have eaten a doughnut! Women love to say they have eaten donuts, but they don’t like to have eaten them, I think.
Lady Hamburger: This comes with gloves (so that you won’t get grease on your delicate lady fingertips) and also a bag you can put over your head while you eat it.
Lady Celery: This is fine, but we have cut it into smaller chunks so it looks less phallic and threatening.
Lady Buttons: The same NUMBER of buttons on each shirt as men get, but what if we put them all on a weird side as though to shame them for not having a lady’s maid to dress them! Wait, you’re kidding me.
Lady Twinkies: These are real sponges, not sponge cakes, so that women can catch up on cleaning around the kitchen and fix a real dessert as they surely want to do.
Lady Snickers: Quieter, politer, almost inaudible; women cannot induce laughter.
Lady Pretzels: Bag is empty of snacks but contains a yoga coupon.
Lady Wheat Thins: Bag is empty of snacks but contains an unflattering mirror.
Lady Cheese: Cottage cheese, not cheese that is motivated to work outside the home.
Lady Yogurt: Who am I kidding? This has already happened.
Lady Animal Crackers: The same as regular Animal Crackers, but they all are called rude names.
Lady Trail Mix: This is just a bag with a little map in it! Women on the trail are too busy stopping to ask for directions to eat.
Lady Sandwich: We could never hope to market this to women; they enjoy making them too much!
Lady Salads: Women love these, I feel! That is why they always order them on dates. I haven’t been on a date, but it is what I imagine happens.
Lady Salaries: Women would love to make money, but they need it to be smaller so that it can fit more easily in their purses.
Lady Presidents: Just kidding! Here’s a big picture of Oprah.
Lady Grammys: So purse-ready they are not visible to the naked eye!
Lady Oscars: Same.
Lady Pizzas: Open this box, and it’s just a bunch of knitting needles and a stranger’s baby! Women love both of these, I bet.
Lady Expectations: What if women got to be bosses, but they got a more limited set of words to use without being called “difficult”?
Lady Red Hots: These are actually eight times hotter than the masculine version, but women are expected to experience them without complaining and no one can tell them why they’re uncomfortable.
Lady Lays: Women are taught to consider these Lays a success if they are not literally coerced into consuming them, even if the actual experience is not pleasant at all.
Lady Chipotle: Exactly the same as regular Chipotle, but women are called pushy and frowned on if they ask specifically for what they want, and if they request guacamole the people behind the counter pretend not to hear them.
Lady Marmalade: The woman was just trying to ask for marmalade, but then the interaction became unexpectedly sexual. If there is one thing I know about women it is that they love it when this happens.
I’ve never met an actual woman.