“You don’t know until you test it, but I think, I really believe, I would have run in there even if I didn’t have a weapon,” Donald Trump said.

Donald Trump would have run in there, unarmed. He would have done that. And it would have worked.

Donald Trump is the greatest hero of our time.

He did not get involved in Vietnam because it would have been unfair to the other combatants, and he wanted to give them a sporting chance. Donald Trump would have been literally unstoppable, especially when angry. The whole country would have been flattened in an instant. Donald Trump was being merciful.

That eagle that seemed to frighten him so much at that photo shoot? Trump could not raise a hand against it, or the beautiful creature would surely have died. Those were his only options. He knows his own strength.

This is a world of cardboard, and it is all Trump can do to contain himself. This is why his handshakes are so formidable. This is as gentle as it is possible for him to be, and he is trying, so hard, to be gentle.

He could end all terrorism, not just domestic, if he ever chose to parachute in there in his signature tie and jacket, but he hasn’t. He has had other things on his mind.

He could end sexism with a swift kick to the teeth, but, again, he has been busy. The same with racism, but he has gotten attached to it, over the years.

Of course, Jared Kushner will solve the Middle East. He is a mere boy, and Trump could have solved it when he was a mere boy.

If Trump ever gets a headache, continents will shift. He could end life on this planet by sneezing too strongly.

Once, his sons saw him casually lift an entire water hazard 60 feet into the sky so he could reach a wayward golf ball. He turned a sand trap into glass so that his ball would roll back perfectly onto the green. He made the crowds at his inauguration double, then treble, then treble again. Then, just for fun, he made them invisible.

Bodily functions that for other human beings are somatic, Trump has the capacity to control. He is willing his own hair into being all the time, just with his mind.

Where does Trump’s money come from? No one can understand it. Half the time, it is not even visible. To release his tax returns would have exploded the minds of all CPAs. He could not have borne that. Especially not the blood (he hates the sight of blood).

Trump possesses rare gifts, and he has not fully realized how rare they really are. Yes, he could flick a bullet out of the air with one finger. He could stop it just by raising an eyebrow. Cannot everyone? Why do so many of them not bother? He is good at golf, too. The two skills must surely correlate. That is why he has said the things he has said. He could roundhouse kick any coward with a gun into the stratosphere. Cannot everyone?

Trump says a thing, it comes into being. He says something else, the first thing was never said. He can build and destroy entire universes. Cannot everyone?

Trump is infuriated that the teachers in this country are too timid to use the superpowers which, obviously, they also have. He has seen movies. He has seen what the average good guy with (or without) a gun is capable of. Just do a simple duck-and-roll, or run down the hallway, bravely, in your sleeveless white shirt, as Bruce Willis (he must be an average man; his name is Bruce) so often does, and you can get to your target unharmed and stop the bad guy before the bad thing happens. Bruce is not as fast as Trump, but he still gets there.

Trump would get there so fast.

He could turn the clock back by running around the world fast enough. He could stop all of this, if he wanted to. But he doesn’t.

(White House press secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders later clarified that all the president meant was that he would be “a leader” on the issue.)