Oprah Winfrey at the Golden Globe Awards in January. (Jordan Strauss/Invision/AP)
Columnist

“‘God, if you think I’m supposed to run, you gotta tell me, and it has to be so clear that not even I can miss it.’ And I haven’t gotten that yet,” said Oprah unto People magazine.

“Send me a sign,” said Oprah unto the Lord, “if that it be Thy will that I should go unto the White House, for I am much troubled by the burdens of running a vast company and appearing in many films and producing many televised productions and gladdening the hearts of man, but if that it be Thy will, I shall undertake it, and although my soul is beset with the cries of the people that it be not meet for a celebrity to undertake such a thing, if any shall do it, it must be I and not the Rock, and therefore, Lord, I crave of Thee a sign.”

And God beheld Oprah, and saw that she was Good.

And God sent unto her first a raven. But as birds did frequently attend upon Oprah in her walks and ways, she paid it no heed.

Then God did send unto Oprah a dove, bearing an olive branch, which Oprah thought was Very Good, and said she unto Stedman, “Stedman, didst thou bestow upon me this dove, for it is a lovely thought, and I appreciate it, although it be not Valentine’s Day, nor even an anniversary?” but Stedman said, “Nay, Oprah, I did not bestow upon thee this dove. Go thou unto Gayle, and inquire of her, whether she did send it thee.” But Gayle being much entrammeled that day with business, Oprah sought not to inquire of her, but set the dove aside and treasured it in her heart.

The second day the Lord made all doors to open before Oprah, and lifted her up in the eyes of men, but this being a typical Tuesday, Oprah paid it no heed.

On the third day, God sent unto Oprah a rainbow overhead, and a pillar of cloud upon her right hand, but Oprah was busy gazing upon her tablet determining a question of importance for her magazine and did not see the pillar of cloud, and thus the day passed into night.

And on the fourth day, Oprah saw that her water had become wine, but although she delighted in it yet she took it not for a sign, for such things did happen from time to time when Oprah did go unto Brunch, wherefore she was frequently called unto Brunch by the people.

And on the fifth day, Oprah strolled forth upon the water, which she was wont to walk upon the surface of, and she did reach into the water and draw up many nets heavy with fish, and she cried unto the Lord, “Lord, this is merely a day like unto every other day, thou hast sent me no sign!”

And the Lord did place the keys to a brand new car under every chair whereon Oprah sat, and those who came unto Oprah had their demons cast out, and the bread in her hands did multiply to feed the multitude, and Oprah said, “Lord, if that thou meanst to send unto me a sign, do so today, for I wait on thee and no sign as yet appeareth.”

And on the seventh day, a great Leviathan of the sea did come unto Oprah and seize her into its belly and deliver her unto Nineveh, her destination, but these things did pass unto Oprah from time to time. And a mighty voice from heaven did cry, “This is Oprah, with whom I am well pleased, and so too should be the electorate of the United States!”

And lo, still, this was unto Oprah merely a week as many weeks had been, and she took not notice of it, and continued among the people as was her wont to do, and as yet she has seen no Sign. And thus when People magazine did inquire, she spake unto them and said, I have seen no sign, which I could not mistake, although many things have passed unto me, and yet I wait upon the Lord.