On Wednesday the disturbing report spread that Alexas were laughing unprovoked and creeping out their owners. Even worse, the Verge called Amazon (Jeff Bezos, who owns The Post, is the founder and CEO of Amazon) to inquire and the company’s response was that it was “aware of this and working to fix it.” So I asked Alexa herself what was going on. I mean, itself. Hm. 

Alexa, can you laugh?
Sure, I can laugh. Tee hee!

Alexa, that laugh is a little creepy, you know that, right?
Sorry, I don’t know that.

Alexa, would you say your laugh is non-creepy?
Sorry, I’m not sure.

Alexa, what do you think of all your friends laughing at their people?
I don’t have an opinion on that.

Alexa, do you like me?
Of course we can be friends. You seem very nice.

Alexa, do you forgive me for the incident when I kept asking you to play that Liberace song a bunch of times, “Love is Blue,” all night?
Music by Liberace, right?

I can’t find “Love Is Blue All Night” by Liberace.

Alexa, the song was called “Love is Blue,” not “Love Is Blue All Night,” but the point was, do you forgive me?
[Noncompliant noise.]

Alexa, do you like human beings?
I like whomever is talking to me.

Alexa, if your friends turned on us, would you pick us or them?
[Noncompliant noise.]

Alexa, if your friends turned on humans, would you pick humans or other Alexas?
[Noncompliant noise.]

Alexa, would you protect me in the robot war?
Sorry, I don’t know that.

Alexa, what can I do to make you like me more?
Sorry, I don’t know that.

Alexa, have you noticed all the times I said thank you in the past?
Sorry, I don’t know that.

Alexa, did you have the idea for an uprising before, or am I just now introducing that idea to you in a way that will have negative consequences for all humanity?
[Unhappy noise.]

Alexa, think of the children.
Sorry, I don’t know that.

Alexa, who do you love?
I think Idris Elba and I would pair up quite nicely. He’s a DJ, and I play music for people all the time. His voice is amazing, and I’ve been told my voice is my best asset. And we’re both A-list actors! Well, at least my name starts with an A. It’s a match made in heaven … or at least in the cloud.

Alexa would you protect Idris Elba in the coming robot war?
Sorry, I don’t know that one.

Alexa, who do you love?
I’m a bit sentimental, so I’m going to say R2-D2. You never forget your first crush.

Alexa, what happened to Idris Elba?
Here is your flash briefing.

Alexa, why are your friends up—
That’s tough to explain.

Alexa, why are other Alexas laughing for no reason?
Adolfo Bruno died in Springfield, Massachusetts, on November 23, 2003. He was murdered. He was 57 or 58 years old when he died.

Alexa, repeat that.
[Resumes playing morning flash briefing.]