The high-definition camera on the International Space Station spotting the Progress 61 resupply vehicle. (EPA/NASA TV)
Columnist

“Space is a war-fighting domain, just like the land, air and sea. … We may even have a Space Force, develop another one, Space Force. We have the Air Force, we’ll have the Space Force.” — President Trump

(Swelling orchestral music) Space. Force. The final frontier. Force. These are the voyages of the space ship SpaceForce Ship. Its continuing mission: to explore strange new worlds. To seek out new life and new civilizations. To carry the values of the Trump administration to infinity and beyond. To boldly go where no one has gone before.

Episode 103: The half-alien first officer explains that because of his different cultural background, he experiences the world differently than the captain does. The captain becomes upset — “I didn’t join Space Force so people could lecture me with this political correctness!” — and makes him leave the bridge. While this discussion is distracting everyone, the ship flies into an asteroid and everyone aboard is killed.

Episode 104: The science officer very carefully explains using a holographic presentation and small, simple words that diverting all power from the life support to the Space Drive will kill everyone on the ship. The captain gives the order anyway. Everyone on board is, as predicted, killed.

Episode 105: The captain randomly reassigns the ship’s doctor to become head of engineering, because he places no value on expertise. No one knows what they are doing and the second there is a problem, the ship explodes and everyone on board is killed.

Episode 107: One of the women complains about the low-cut, skimpy uniform Space Force obliges her to wear. No one listens to her and nothing changes.

Episode 109: A planet’s atmosphere is slowly suffocating it. All the scientists on the planet have suggested a simple step that will prevent this from occurring and the planet’s leader beseeches the captain to help. “Ah, but what if it’s not?” the captain asks. The planet implodes, also destroying the ship in the process.

Episode 201: The ship is charged with brokering peace in an interplanetary dispute that has raged for centuries. Space Force is supposed to transport an aging diplomat who has made the study of this controversy his life’s work and who alone possesses the rare cultural artifact that will help settle their enmity, but the captain’s son suggests that he could do it equally well, probably, because he once saw a video about it, so they put him in charge instead. It does not go well. In the B Plot, the ship gets destroyed.

Episode 301: The ship receives a distress signal from a planet in crisis. The ship ignores it. “We have enough of our own problems,” the captain points out.

Episode 304: The captain is given access to a new, planet-destroying weapon. Everyone advises him not to use it because the carnage will be unthinkable, but he thinks it might be cool just to see what it does. The entire bridge crew resigns in protest. He uses it. The carnage is unthinkable.

Episode 310: The entire crew is replaced with children. No one notices.

Episode 401: The ship flies through a wormhole into a Mirror Universe where they all have beards. Everything is incredibly well-run, and the work environment is warm and respectful. They figure out a way to return things to normal, but nobody wants to go back, so they pretend they didn’t.

Episode 405: The captain is stranded on a planet with people who speak only in metaphors. He becomes frustrated with them and shoots them. They were trying to warn him of a danger threatening his ship, and when he zooms back on board the ship instantly explodes.