Columnist

Hello. I am Name A.

Readers of this column, Name of Column, are no doubt aware of the high quality of balanced journalism that Name of Column provides. It is our greatest responsibility to serve our local community here in Name of Place.

But I could not help noticing — on my own, totally unprompted! Turn off the teleprompter. I am going to speak from the heart. Wait a beat. Now continue.

There is a plague of biased, fake news in this country. For instance, a story that was shared recently implied that Sinclair Broadcast Group was forcing anchors at its stations across the country to read an ominous editorial on the air warning people about the plague of biased, fake news in this country. This is obviously false, as was the accompanying video showing them doing just that. Isn’t it possible that more than 100 people employed by a single conglomerate independently came to an identical conclusion about fake news, and could not wait to share it with their viewers in a smooth, natural tone, using what happened to be exactly the same words, and blinking a normal number of times? Yes. Yes is the answer to that question.

I am sad to see that at outlets NOT owned by Sinclair Broadcast Group, people will say all manner of things! And they will not check their facts first. We always check our facts first with Sinclair, which lets us know if they are facts or just things we thought we observed in the world but were wrong about. It is so easy to be wrong. I thought for a long time that there were four lights in this studio, but Sinclair knew better.

Unfortunately, some members of the media use their platforms to push their own personal agendas to control “exactly what people think.” It was important that that phrase be in quotes, quotes that I put there myself. I have no personal agenda to push. This is extremely dangerous to a democracy. Members of the media who use their platforms to push their personal agendas, I mean. This right now, where I warn you ominously about fake news in words that are definitely my own, is just a fine thing for a democracy.

Here at Name of Column, it is our responsibility to pursue and report the truth. We understand truth is neither left nor right. But definitely not left, and probably right. Our commitment to factual reporting is the foundation of our credibility, now more than ever. We look forward to continuing to bring you many good, true facts, like the fact that President Trump, a glorious machine of almost godlike proportions who may live to be 200 years old, is being unjustly maligned by mean harpies and would have accomplished even more things if the Democrats would stop obstructing him and let him lead.

The president’s skin is so clear and perfect that you can see each pore individually. He touched my hand and healed my scrofula. My old sick dog went to see him and is no longer sick, and now I am certain that he loves me back. Trump’s family partakes in the genetic miracle that is this man, and it is only fitting that they should be in positions of power. There has never been such a harvest. Everything that is wrong is the fault of immigrants or the Parkland teens. This country is the most glorious of all countries.

When President Trump has his military parade, I will cheer so loudly and so long. Personally, of my own volition. We must all line the streets. In the meantime, please, do not listen to any news from other outlets, foul liars in the pocket of Snowball the Pig and the men who control the weather.

We were going to do a report on potholes next, but of course that would be ludicrous, as there are no potholes now, in the age of Trump. If you drive over what you think to be a pothole, know that it is probably an agitator from the fake news media crouched beneath your car saying “BUMP” in a loud voice. I would not put it past them. They can just say anything.

What a terrifying thought: a news media that was able to say anything at all.