Columnist

People are saying that White House Correspondents’ Association dinner headliner Michelle Wolf went Too Far with her critiques of the media and the Trump administration, especially those who were in the room. To avoid such unpleasantness in the future, here is a list of approved jokes ready for next year’s celebration. The president has suggested that Greg Gutfeld should host. 

Oh wow, when has there ever been a gathering like this? (This is a rhetorical question; anyone who yells “slightly before the French Revolution” will be removed.)

They say that the Trump administration has eroded many of the cherished norms of democracy. But I saw Macdonald and Ornstein the other day, and they both looked fine! Norm Macdonald and Norm Ornstein. One is a comedian, and the other is a resident scholar at the American Enterprise Institute! They’re named Norm, and they both look fine. There has been no erosion of America’s cherished Norms. All right!

Boy, these activist schoolchildren are just AWFUL. Demanding that teachers not be allowed to have arms. I don’t know about you, but without arms, how can a teacher write on the blackboard?

My wife!

You know why liberals are so worried about climate change? Because if it got any warmer, those snowflakes would melt! All right! We can all laugh together in this room!

I think the real outrage in our Starbucks isn’t that they called the police on two black men who were just waiting there but that they charge FOUR DOLLARS for a CUP OF COFFEE! Norman Rockwell would roll over in his grave! Norman Rockwell, there’s another cherished Norm who hasn’t been eroded.

I won’t accuse anyone of constantly lying. It might sound like I was calling them unattractive, and we have agreed that second place is where the line is!

But seriously, the Trump administration has been as open and responsive to the press as his inauguration crowds were large. They’re doing such a good job that people aren’t even applying to work for the State Department any longer. You’ve got it, they say. This is all you! Ha ha, I’m as far from insulting any of them as they are from accidentally touting the endorsement of a white-nationalist group, which is to say, very far.

Every sexual encounter that the president of the United States has ever boasted about has been consensual! That’s a joke, I guess!

What is the difference between Trump and Hillary? Hillary can go for eight minutes without reminding you of the electoral college results! No, I’m sorry: Trump is irreparably damaging our image abroad, whereas Hillary is a broad irreparably damaging our image. Those two words sound alike!

What is the president’s least favorite vegetable? The LEEK!

If it’s true what they say that Hope Hicks left Washington, then why, when I look around the room, do I see nothing but Hope? This administration is full of it. It being hope, not any other substance.

I think Hope abandoning you is FAKE NEWS!

Ha ha, fake news! A term that is now mainstream, that we use as a joke! We can all laugh together about how the president uses this term to undermine the institution of the free press!

And if the president is undermining the free press, it is just because he loves the mining industry in America so much! The guy loves to mine, and he loves Americas miners! There is a Roy Moore joke to be made here, but I will NOT make it because I am upholding decorum and deportment!

What’s the difference between a CNN panel and a hydra? One is a many-headed monster that DOESN’T get excited whenever Donald Trump says something!

Look at everyone’s charm and deportment. Deportment is different than deportation, something I will not allude to this evening because we’re all laughing together and getting along.

Haiti is a shithole country! That’s not a joke, just something the president of the United States actually said. We can laugh. We can laugh together in this room. It is important that we laugh together in this room. Try the beef, which we may now be at a disadvantage when exporting to China because of the trade war that might happen.

What’s the difference between the institution of the free press and the Republican tax-reform plan? One of them is good for America! Something in that joke for everyone, ha ha!

I will leave the harsh, personal attacks where they belong: in the mouth of the president of the United States!

Try the romaine!