President Trump with North Korean leader Kim Jong Un on June 12 in Singapore. (Evan Vucci/AP)
Columnist

Hello, Republicans!

You may have been hearing worrying things from people such as Sen. Bob Corker (R-Tenn.) about how we have ceased to be a party of principles and have become a cult of personality around President Trump. But I will swear on my MAGA hat that this is not the case.

It would be shameful if we were in a position where we had to pretend everything Trump did was okay with us, even if it were not. But everything Donald Trump does is perfect and beautiful and correct. He moves from strength to strength, blown on the breath of the Almighty, and the only thing sharper than his vision is his judgment.

It is not that we are in some kind of coven where Donald Trump is our god and we must believe on any given day that which he believes, and that his enemies are our enemies, his friends our friends. It is just that it has always been our policy that it is good for America to show respect to repressive regimes, for instance, by bowing or salutes. We don’t cringe at the sight of the North Korean and U.S. flags side by side. Trump deserves a Nobel Peace Prize, either for his work with North Korea or for making the rain fall and the crops grow. Or both!

We are not praising him because we are rudderless and terrified and adrift and have lost sight of our principles. We are praising him because he is right about everything, and he always golfs under par, and his children are gorgeous and deserve power, and his hands are of course the right size. Those who cross him will come to rue it.

To those who say that Trump is obviously incompetent, small-minded and surrounded by a deep slough of corruption, I can only respond: You are a traitor and a conspirator and you need to get your mind right. Open your eyes, sheep-person! Do not let the Fake News Media sway you with their facts. Do not listen to what John McCain or Bob Corker or Jeff Flake have to say. Honestly, if you can even hear the voices of these malingerers, I wonder about your loyalty.

To those who say that Trump is using his office for personal gain, I say, no, the Trump International is simply the best place for meetings, and every Chinese trademark Ivanka has secured was entirely on merit. This is a real fact, not an alternative fact. To those who sue his charity for being a charity in name only, I say, maybe “charity” is a meaningless word. If Donald Trump thinks so, we should consider it.

To those who say his administration is corrupt, I say, that is just what the people who report facts want you to believe, and we know what Donald Trump thinks about them. To those who say, wait, didn’t EPA Administrator Scott Pruitt drag his security detail around to go find moisturizer at a hotel, I say, as House Speaker Paul Ryan did: What, I literally cannot hear you, who is Scott Pruitt, probably this is a misunderstanding, I know nothing about any of this!

To those who say he has no grasp of the issues at hand, I repeat one of his many simple slogans until the objection stops.

To those who say he has lowered the level of our discourse, I say, **** off, ********.

There is nothing inconsistent or unprincipled in our embrace of this man, because he embodies every virtue, except virtues we have previously said we valued — like marital fidelity and probity and not making excuses for white supremacists. Speaking of which, we have literally no idea why all of these white supremacists are showing up now, and it has nothing to do with Trump, unless it does, in which case, it is a good thing. But they do not represent us, except in the literal sense that they have been nominated to be our representatives, and speak for us.

I am not in a cult. I just love Donald Trump so much, and since deciding to love Trump, my pores have become clearer and my flocks have thrived, and my atherosclerosis went away — maybe spontaneously, but maybe not. I am prospering now as I have never prospered before. I would say that if loving Donald Trump is wrong, I don’t want to be right, but I know that loving Donald Trump is not wrong. It is the only thing that is right. I would give him my arm. I would give him my kidney. I would give him everything that I am. I would have nothing left.