Since Sean Spicer has been on the “Today” show, “Megyn Kelly Today,” CNN and other outlets promoting his new book, I guess we are all supposed to be getting in on the promotional book train! Here are some fun facts about his new book, offered in the same spirit in which he has previously regarded fact.

  • I have read it.
  • I have read it more times than any book in history.
  • Three million to 5 million fraudulent voters also read it.
  • I bought it and my dog rose up on its hind legs and ran screaming from my home, crying, “WHAT HAVE YOU DONE, WHAT HAVE YOU DONE.”
  • I bought it and brought it home, and when I turned around there was a faceless man with a briefcase standing in the corner of the room. Every time I turned around there was another faceless man with a briefcase. The men were all the same, but each briefcase was different. Some were ragged and worn, and others were new and made of shiny leather. Soon the room was full to bursting with the faceless men and their myriad briefcases. I tried to sneak into the room to remove the book when I felt with a sudden inexplicable conviction that they had all turned to stare at me, although they had no faces and it should not have been possible for them to stare. I left the book and fled. I have not gone back to the house.
  • I brought it home and my cat no longer respects me.
  • I brought it home and all guests I have invited to my home have locked themselves in the bathroom and begged for the screaming to stop, although I could hear no screams.
  • I brought it home and all manner of birds began to fly at my windows, first small birds, sparrows, which flew and flew into the glass with tiny thuds until they fell dazed from the sky, then larger birds, robins, one of which managed to make a jagged crack in the glass, and then crows began to fly into the glass, until the whole thing was a network of cracks. An eagle flew full speed toward the window and shattered it, and I seized the book and threw it out the window as hard as I could, but even as I did so I heard the beating of vast leathery wings coming from the south, the wings unlike those of any bird that I have ever heard.
  • I bought Spicer’s book, and all the history books began to disappear from my shelves, though not all at once. I opened a history of the 20th century and first only the pages that dealt with World War II, then half of the pages, then all of them had been colored over with a child’s red crayon. Now more and more of my books are being colored over with this red crayon, all of my books except “Madame Bovary.” I do not know when the crayon will stop.
  • I bought Spicer’s book and brought it home, and now my reflection turns around when I look into the mirror, which makes it very difficult and onerous to get dressed in the morning, but I have experienced no other ill effects.
  • I bought Spicer’s book, and the next morning I discovered that my bathroom sink was clogged. When I unscrewed it and reached in to unclog it, a tiny hand grasped mine and began to pull me down. I screamed and my husband threw away the book, but my fingers are still numb and red where the tiny hand touched mine.
  • I have tapes of all of this.