“No drama Redskins head into bye week,” reads the headline on Pro Football Talk, and wouldn’t it be nice. But this is Washington. This is the Redskins. There is always drama.
This week’s drama, not surprisingly, revolves around bathrooms.
“Where was LaRon Landry?” reads the headline on The Insider, where Mike Jones parrots Mike Shanahan’s report that Landry “went off to the restroom,” where “something happened.”
Seems like a stall technique to me. Want more details than that? Turn to ESPN 980’s beat reporter, Chris Russell, who got to the guts of the matter on The Sports Reporters.
“That’s a great question, Czabe,” Russell said, when asked to fill the information void. “We wondered the same thing. Here’s the deal. Asked Shanahan. He said [Landry] had to go to the bathroom. Then he said, quote, Something happened there, was his quote.
“So I took that and I said, ‘ok, whatever.’ Then I asked Josh Wilson, who likes to mess around when us reporters are trying to do our jobs, and he said he’s [Landry’s] agent. And I said ‘Well, go ask your client if he took a dump, ok?’ And he laughed and said, no, my client needs money or whatever.
“Then we asked Landry what happened. Rich Campbell actually asked him. And he said ‘I’m fine,’ and he like angrily stared. and then shut down the presser. Then today we re-asked Shanahan what happened, he goes I told you guys yesterday, he went to the bathroom.
“Well, NBC4 Washington films the game for their own purposes. When [Landry] came out to the sidelines, again after missing a part of the second half, he was down on his stomach getting that left hamstring really worked on and stretched out and loosened up. Now, that could be just simply procedural, in addition to having to go to the bathroom, but my instinct tells me something’s still not right with that hamstring. Two weeks in a row is weird. There was some question whether he took an IV last week in Dallas, or whether he had to take a dump again, because that’s what Doc said on the air. Who knows. I mean, they won’t answer our questions honestly.”
Indeed, it would help if we could see inside the bowels of these stadiums when players leave the field, but in an attempt to flush out this matter further, I went back to the Dallas radio broadcast. Doc Walker did not, in fact, report that Landry was relieving himself during that game. Quite the contrary.
“Rak is back, and the word I was told, we cannot tell you why,” Walker reported from the sidelines, when Brian Orakpo emerged from the locker room. “So I’m gonna translate that.”
“Personal reasons,” Larry Michael said, attempting to wipe this away.
“Yeah, like a deuce,” Walker actually said on the air, to much laughter.
“All right, Rick,” Michael said, attempting to stomach this news. “That’s about as good as you can put it, I guess
“When you gotta go, you gotta go,” Sam Huff pointed out.
But later, Walker said that Orakpo had a leg issue, and the official diagnosis was “cramps,” which could affect different parts of the body.
So, how many Redskins defenders went to how many bathrooms to do what exact deeds? I have no idea. But I’d love to learn more. Also, poop deck.