Ochocinco, Edward Snowden, Rupert Murdoch, Tim Tebow, Trent Franks, Evelyn Lozada, marriage, divorce, butt-slap, head-butts and The Putins. They all made their way into the national discourse this week. But how?

Let’s scroll!

1.) Patriot games: Oh, thank God! Tim Tebow is employed again. After finding not a lick of love with the New York Jets after one rather sad season, the out-of-work quarterback is now resurrecting his career with the New England Patriots. I pray to all that’s holy that this doesn’t lead to a resurgence in Tebowing. Enough already, people.

Tim Tebow during practice with the New England Patriots. (Charles Krupa/Associated Press)

2.) Illegitimate: “The point I was trying to make, Mr. Nadler, is that, you know, before my friends on the left side of the aisle here tried to make rape and incest the subject, because, you know, the incidents of rape resulting in pregnancy are very low.” said Rep. Trent Franks (R-Ariz.) in response to Rep. Jerry Nadler (D-N.Y.). Why do Republican men insist on talking (falsely, I might add) about women, their bodies and what those bodies allegedly (don’t) do when raped?

Rep. Trent Franks (R-Ariz.)
(Matt McClain/The Washington Post)

3.) Marriage material: The former footballer formerly known as “Ochocinco,” Chad Johnson, is still cooling his jets in a Florida jail after the butt-slap seen around the world. He will have been in there a week of a 30-day sentence by the time the judge reconsiders on Monday her overreaction to the “Way to go, man!” rump tap of his attorney. But here’s the real travesty. The marriage in which the alleged head-butting took place that landed him in jail lasted all of “cuatro uno” (41) days. Oh, how the institution of marriage suffers so. I will not comment on the shoes.

Evelyn Lozada and Chad “Ochocinco” Johnson in happier times. (Mike Colon/Getty)

4.) Divorce of the week: Last week saw the dissolution of the union between Lyudmila and Vladimir Putin after nearly 30 years. This week it is News Corp. honcho Rupert Murdoch and Wendi Deng who called it quits after 14 years. While some of us saw Lyudmila for the first time last week, the whole world knows who Wendi is. Had Chad Johnson hit his lawyer the way Wendi put the beat-down on that pie-packing protester back in 2011 he’d deserve to be in jail.

Rupert Murdoch and Wendi Deng in happier times. (Lucy Nicholson/Reuters)

5.) Truth or consequences: Edward Snowden leaked a ton of classified national-security information to The Post and the Guardian. He then fled Hawaii for Hong Kong where he hopes the justice system there will treat him well. Good luck with that.

Edward Snowden on a TV screen in Hong Kong (Kin Cheung/Associated Press)

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