Yesterday, in a somewhat useful exercise, my Democratic friend and sometimes sparring partner Carter Eskew compiled a “Republican Nutcase Check List” for Republican presidential candidates to take. (If you want to see how you’d rank, you can take that survey here.) With his quiz as motivation, and in the same spirit, I wrote a corresponding checklist for Democrats in general, given that their presidential candidate bench is so weak.
In order to slant his test and present Republicans as Democrats want them to be, Carter had to scour some remote corners of the country in search of narrow positions and specific incidents. Here, I’ll stick pretty close to what passes for “mainstream” Democratic positions in our nation’s capital.
This is called the Democratic Whackjob Survey, and I propose that all Democrats take it. There are eight questions and the answers will be tallied to give you a score on the whack-o-meter.
And yes, all of these are based on well-known Democratic positions . . .
- Do you believe abortion should be unrestricted and that even just a late-term abortion restriction is proof that there is a Republican “War on Women”?
- Do you think the government should punish institutions that employ or host scientists who question claims about the impact of “man-made global warming”?
- Do you believe that President Obama’s foreign policy has been mostly effective?
- Do you want to raise taxes as a way to combat income inequality?
- Do you think we should raise Social Security benefits?
- Do you believe that after Obama’s 2009 inauguration, the rise of the oceans began to slow and our planet began to heal?
- Do you think Obamacare is effective and worth the cost?
- Do you turn up the volume on the television whenever Democratic National Committee Chair Debbie Wasserman Schultz gives an interview?
And finally, a bonus question, since Carter promised eight questions in his survey but only delivered seven:
Bonus Question: Do you think the Rev. Al Sharpton should continue to act as an adviser to the next president of the United States?
If you answer yes to:
- 0: You should probably change parties.
- 1: You are lucid.
- 2-3: You are a flower child that time forgot.
- 4-5: You are a flake.
- 6-7: You are a Che wannabe who is impossible to take seriously.
- 8: If you answered “yes” to 8 out of the above, you’re a whackjob who’s probably permanently in a purple haze, camped out in a public park with a Unibomber-inspired protest sign nearby. And if you are not currently working for the Obama administration, working on a Democratic voter-registration campaign or doing commentary on MSNBC, you should look into those opportunities.