I have breaking news from Rosenwald comma Maryland about fractured penises.

The news is so important that, as a public health service, I do not want to stall its dissemination with a sophomoric joke that might cause a bout of sudden unemployment.

So herewith is the title of an academic paper that hit my digital doorstep this morning: “Penile Fracture Seems More Likely During Sex Under Stressful Situations.”

The paper was published the other day in the Journal of Sexual Medicine. The author is Andrew Kramer, a University of Maryland urologist who practices within the confines of Rosenwald comma Maryland. His discovery, summarized for a family newspaper is this: men having sex in unusual, uncomfortable positions in “out-of-ordinary locations” — often because they are hiding extramarital affairs — are more likely to break their tunica albuginea.

Some examples of “out-of-ordinary” locations cited in the paper were an office, an automobile, and an elevator. 

I just got off the phone with Kramer, who reports that, “I’ve written quite a few papers in my life but none have gotten as much interest from a lay audience as this one. Maybe it has captured the fear men have of these events.”

Yes.

The remarkable part of his four-page paper, other than the title, abstract, introduction, results, discussion and footnotes — “Fractured penis: Diagnosis and management” — is that most of the 16 men studied were 100 percent honest about their injuries. This did not surprise Kramer.

“They tell the truth because they want it fixed,” said Kramer, noting that immediate surgery is usually required. “Most guys come in and say, ‘I’m gonna be honest with you because I really want my penis fixed.’ They are really terrified. And you can totally understand that.”

Yes.

Kramer said a lot of people have wondered whether his paper proves that Karma exists for cheating men. “That was not my intention at all,” Kramer told me.

Nevertheless, men: You have been warned. 

Repeat after me: “Penile Fracture Seems More Likely During Sex Under Stressful Situations.” 

Advice columns from Carolyn Hax:

Harsh news for the ‘other woman’

Dealing with aftereffects of an affair

Husband struggles for next steps with a cheating wife

Ready for an extramarital fling?