I don’t spend a lot of time in the garden.

One reason: I don’t have a garden. Other reasons include a long-term, almost romantic love affair with air conditioning, an inability to bend over without needing Emergency Medical Services, and a general disregard, in my diet, for lettuce, green beans and especially steamed broccoli. (I do, however, enjoy broccoli and cheese soup.)

But let’s pretend for a moment that I have a green thumb. (I might actually have a green thumb due to the fountain pen ink in my rotation, but that’s a story for another day.) If I were a gardener, I’d be passing along a video that turned up this week on the Internet, a marvelous technology that, among other things, provides hours and hours — and hours — of wacky videos.


My personal enemy: The stink bug (KATHERINE FREY/THE WASHINGTON POST)

I am not.

Anyway, in the video below, the Bug Guy takes on the role of CSI investigator, wearing dark sunglasses and employing CSI music, sound effects and graphics, as well as words such as “crime scene,” “perps” and “double homicide — death by discoloration.” He investigates the murders of several plants to instruct viewers on how to “nail the perp every time.”

This video is interesting enough that, for a moment, I actually considered going outside. I did not.