The Life of Julia. (Obama for America/Screengrab)

According to friends, Julia grew depressed after she was panned by the masses on Twitter as everything from a welfare queen to “that chick who depends on everyone else for everything.” And the unkind tweets were just the start of Julia’s troubles.

She endured days of withering attacks in the media from the left and right, including an entire segment on MSNBC’s “Morning Joe” when Mika, of all people (!) said women need to know their value and the Wall Street Journal ran an editorial painting the sad picture of “The Lonely Life of Julia.”

Obama campaign infographic, "The life of Julia." (Obama campaign/Obama campaign)

According to a description recently released by authorities, Julia has blue hair, no visible eyes and stands about three inches tall on a standard computer monitor.  She is somewhere between three- and 67-years-old, and may be seen in line at a government agency applying for benefits ranging from Early Start education funding to prescription drugs paid for by Medicare Part D. She may also be volunteering at her local community garden, which the Obama campaign says is made possible because Julia has retired securely, thanks to Barack Obama, not because Julia made it a point to meet with her financial advisor for years before she retired. 

Julia is known as both a self-starter industrious enough to start her own Web design firm, as well as a tenacious problem solver, as evidenced by her ability to both find and understand the forms put out by the Small Business Administration so that she could apply for a government loan to start her business.

Single women across the country are worried that Julia may have been dumped by the side of the road by members of the Obama campaign once it became clear that female voters are not all that interested in hearing the government promise to solve all their problems, instead of hearing women get credit for creating their own opportunities, which they do every day.

Luckily for the Obama campaign, there are still a number of federal programs left that could help track Julia down. Not only could the president activate the National Guard to assist in the search for Julia, he could also mandate that Julia’s avatar be put on the side of milk cartons across the country through the National Center for Missing and Exploited Children (created by Congress and Ronald Reagan in 1984).   As a three-year-old minding her own business and then dragged into the media spotlight for a 24-hour campaign stunt, Baby Julia would qualify as exploited under any program, federal or otherwise.

Although Julia had been a happy, productive woman all her life, Julia’s family explains today that she became downright despondent after the “Life of Julia” went viral and nobody from the Obama campaign stepped up to defend her, even after Human Events ran an column asking, “Who the Hell is Julia and Why am I Paying for Her Life?”

In reality, if Julia is like most women, Julia is paying for Julia’s life — and probably a few men’s lives, too. Women now make up the majority of the workforce, and the majority of students in college, medical school and law school.

That hardly seems like the description of a gender that needs to be wooed to the ballot box by a laundry list of what her nice Uncle Sam can do to subsidize her life. While women, just like men, can benefit from some federal programs at some points in their lives, the idea that a lifetime supply of goodie bags from Washington is what motivates women’s political decisions is as preposterous as a blue-haired avatar with no eyes representing all women in America.

If there ever is a woman who represents all or even most of us, I’ll let you know when I find her. My guess is she’ll be running the country from the West Wing of the White House and will have gotten there without pandering to other women to win their votes.