The moment the lockout ended I hit the road. I decided to hitchhike the country. Don’t ask me why, I don’t even know why. Ironically, I was picked up by some interesting NFL characters along the way.
I started in Denver and got picked up by Kyle Orton who was on his way out of town. He wasn’t too happy about it. We were on the way to New Orleans to pick up Reggie Bush and they were going to Miami. Kyle said something about John Elway telling him he had no choice, because some guy named Tim Tebow was Jesus’ homeboy. Elway apparently said he’d rather risk his job than his after-life chances.
When we got to New Orleans, Reggie was not a happy camper at all. He was literally tweeting endorsements away. The whole ride to Miami he just kept muttering stuff about Kim Kardashian, Kanye West, Amber Rose, Mark Ingram and Sean Payton — none of which I can mention here. He just said he was going to show them all once he gets to play on natural grass again. I told him he was going to have to deal with the infield at Sun Life stadium this year. Needless to say, another Twitter tantrum ensued.
After Miami, I was in D.C. for a couple of days, before I stuck the good old thumb out again and got picked up by Donovan McNabb and Albert Haynesworth . They talked about how the NFL team in the District of Columbia was run like a tyranny. Out of nowhere, Donovan stopped in front of this really nice house. He turns and looks at me in the backseat and asks if “I’m down.” I had no clue what he was talking about. I said sure, and then he gave me some eggs. We all got out of the car and egged this really nice home. I had no clue who’s home it was. All I know is that there was a huge sunburnt bronze statue of what looked to be a football coach with an engraving that read “I made John Elway!” Next to that statue was another that resembled the first statue and I noticed the initials C.S. engraved on it’s ankle. Awkward.
I wasn’t trying to get into any trouble with McNabb and Haynesworth. They have absolutely nothing to lose so they don’t care how many eggs they drop. But I had to get out of that situation, so I let the two of them leave without me.
So....I’m outside the scene of a crime with my thumb out. Who’s there to pick me up? Mike Brown of the Cincinnati Bengals. He immediately had me sign a contract to ride. I was a jam and nowhere to go, so I signed it. I didn’t even read it. Big mistake on my part. Brown kept talking about loyalty and what not and how I better never turn my back on him or he’ll bury me like Carson Palmer . As soon as he hit the gas station, I hit the hitchhike highway again.
The story of how I got from Cincy to Minneapolis is not appropriate for this forum.
Either way, I’m in Minneapolis looking for a ride, when Tarvaris Jackson picked me up. It was tad bit awkward, because Sidney Rice was in the back seat knocked out cold. Oh yeah, he was taped and gagged too. Jackson kept laughing about his 77 QB rating and that he couldn’t believe Pete Carroll fell for it. Then came the awkward moment when Rice finally woke up and realized he was going to Seattle...yeah that happened, and that’s when I made my exit.
I was in Oakland for a couple of days. I passed the time ghost riding whips with Al Davis. The old man is crazy, and he talks a lot. “Raider Nation this and Raider Nation that.” Things got weird when I asked him about having a grandmother on the Raiders cheerleading squad. I was escorted off of the premises by some life-long Raider fans. Those dudes are nothing to be messed with.
Now I’m sitting in the car with Nnamdi Asomugha . His phone won’t stop ringing. He just ignored a phone call from Jim Harbaugh. The ringtones are interesting though, “Empire State of Mind” by Jay-Z, the “Rocky Theme,” and “Mo City Don Freestyle” by Houston rapper Z-Ro are in a three way ring-off spectacular. I’m not sure where we’re going. I’ll let you know when we get there, though.