Or, as the NFL and ESPN would say, “Tonight, the NFL will be announcing next season’s schedule!!!”
Perhaps I’ve missed it, but this is the first time I can recall the NFL and ESPN teaming up for a special broadcast to announce the schedule.
That’s right, tune in tonight and hear next season’s schedule. (I mean, “Tune in tonight and hear next season’s schedule!!!”)
If you can’t wait until tomorrow morning to read your team’s schedule in the paper or on the Internet, if you just have to watch a special broadcast where the schedule will be announced live (”Live!!!”), then we really need to talk about your priorities.
Yes, I know you love the NFL. Yes, I know your team is important to you. Yes, your team brings great joy to your life.
But it’s the schedule.
And you already know almost half the schedule anyway. Your team will be playing home and away games with the other teams in its division. (”Your team will be playing home and away games with other teams in its division!!!”)
I’ll bet not a single actual NFL player will be watching TV tonight to see what his team’s schedule is. Not one.
And if the players themselves don’t think this is worth two hours of their time (”Two hours!!!”), it certainly isn’t worth two hours of yours.
Michael is a shareholder in the law firm of Epstein Becker & Green, PC, practicing in labor and employment law. In addition to being the co-author of The Football Uncyclopedia, he is the author of several acclaimed novels, including The Locklear Letters and You Poor Monster.