Soon, losing your money online could be legal and as easy as clicking the “all in” button when you’ve got aces and eights and some guy named “PokerNutz” has three 3s. (Michael Lutzky/The Washington Post)

[All information is purely for entertainment purposes, and is not intended to convey that any actual wagering or endorsement of wagering is happening anywhere in NoVa. Because that would be wrong. Yes, so wrong.]

DATELINE: WASHINGTON, D.C.: You may recall in January of last year, Mayor Vincent Gray approved a bill to legalize online poker in the Nation’s Capital. This all sort of slid under the radar of “legislative process” and “public hearings,” and raised a number of eyebrows. Investigations were begun, and prospects for NoVa degenerates to get in a little online no-limit game or two seemed dim.

Now, The Post’s Eye on D.C. Sleaze, Mike DeBonis, reports that online gambling is back. An investigation of how Internet gaming got approved has found no laws were broken, and the District’s Committee on Finance and Revenue will hold a hearing Thursday on whether or not to approve ”iGaming.” Though there is some organized opposition, insiders believe online poker is now on its way.

As envisioned by D.C., it would begin with “hot spots” around the city where people would bring their laptops, log in and ante up. As the kinks were worked out, gambling from the comfort of one’s home would follow. This may be limited only to those geographically in Washington, but you degenerates can figure a way around that one.

DATELINE: MARYLAND — More than three years after approving casino gambling in Maryland, the Horsey State (or whatever they call it) has cobbled together all of two measly slots parlors. The Post’s Maryland Gaming Correspondent, John Wagner, reports that the state legislature is trying to smooth the way to approve a site in Prince George’s County, which would be most convenient for NoVa gamblers, but Prince George’s can’t quite decide whether it wants our money or not.

Another problem: Only five areas were approved for legalized gambling originally, and P.G. wasn’t one of them. The Senate President Mike Miller wants to add a sixth slot for P.G., AND allow table games such as blackjack and poker. [This Miller is a good man. He has consistently pushed for legalized gambling.]

Things are a little slow at Rosecroft Raceway these days. Slow as in no live racing, no gambling, no action. Couldn’t Prince George’s County use a little gaming revenue for its health care and education? (Jahi Chikwendiu/WASHINGTON POST)

Another problem: Cordish Companies, the developer of a slots parlor in Anne Arundel County, supposedly opening at Arundel Mills Mall in June (sounds lousy), is 200 percent opposed to any Prince George’s casino. Their Slots at the Mall place would be the one most damaged by any P.G. development.

Meanwhile, a Harrah’s group is trying to build a slots joint in Baltimore, with hopes of expanding to table games. But for now, the only slots parlors in Maryland are in Cecil County and Worcester County. Not worth the trip even for hardcore Virginia gamblers.

DATELINE: McLEAN, VA — McLean man Newt Gingrich is making his big push to become President of the United States of America with the serious help of a casino magnate — Sheldon Adelson, owner of the fabulous Venetian casino in Las Vegas.

Mega-rich casino owners Sheldon and Miriam Adelson want YOU to vote for Newt Gingrich for president. What they want from Gingrich hasn’t been announced yet. (ED JONES/AFP/GETTY IMAGES)

In addition to the Venetian, Adelson (who bought and tore down the legendary Sands Hotel and Casino on the Strip to build the Venetian) also owns the Sands Macao and the Venetian Macao, both conveniently located in Macao, China, and the Marina Bay Sands in Singapore. Adelson is rated as one of the world’s richest men by those who rate such things.

Gingrich hasn’t made any pro-gambling pronouncements, but NoVa degenerates can hope.