On this episode of Basketball Wives, Malaysia celebrates a birthday, Laura is a bully and Chantel opens Jackie’s closet full of skeletons.

Cast of VH1's 'Basketball Wives LA' 2011. (Cody Bess Photography/Vh1 Networks)

Chantel says that for years, Jackie would pit her against her sister. Laura asks Chantel if it’s true that her sister wasn’t allowed to be in family photographs because her skin was too dark. Chantel doesn’t exactly say yes, but does say that there was never a family photo that included the whole family. “She was always the outcast,” she says about her sister. Chantel says that as a child, she was forced by Jackie to monitor her sister’s exercise routines and make sure that she used the treadmill in the time that Jackie mandated. “The damage she did to me and my sisters’ relationship, she won’t even take accountability for,” she says. This is really sad. I feel bad for Chantel. Unfortunately, she’s reaching out to the wrong person. Laura has already said that she wants to exploit Jackie’s daughters and use them against her. “How can you sleep at night and know that your daughter is on somebody’s floor?” Chantel says. “It’s disgusting.” Yeah, I’d have to agree.

“Where does your dad fit into all this?” Laura asks. Chantel says that Jackie always interfered whenever Chantel would attempt to have a relationship with her father. “He just stood by and let that happen,” Chantel says. Well, it’s no shock to me that Jackie was a new age Mommy Dearest, but it’s still horrible to hear what she did to her children.

Brooke and Jackie meet and apologize to each other for smacking each other around. Jackie, the narcissist, manages to make it all about Jackie again. “Us talking is not going to make smiles on a couple of them’s face,” she says. Brooke shrugs it off. “Who’s not going to like us talking?” she asks. “First and foremost, it would be Laura,” Jackie says. “She don’t want me to be friends with nobody.” Really? Laura may be a brute, but Jackie’s making her out to be Julia Robert’s husband in Sleeping with the Enemy. I doubt that she cares that much. Does Laura make her line up the bathroom towels perfectly straight too? “Laura seems to feel like a part of the issue with one of your daughters…she’s browner?” Brooke asks “Mmmm hmmmm,” Jackie says. “She’s brown skin-ded.” Good Lord. “That’s an issue for you?” Brooke asks. “Skin color?” “I love all people of all genders, of all kinds,” Jackie says. She’s totally not answering the question. Jackie says that her eldest’s daughter’s issue about her skin color is one that her daughter is responsible for and not Jackie. “She has low self esteem,” Jackie says. Yeah, I wonder how she got that.

Bambi and Malaysia go to a gym and meet with some guy named Gary. Malaysia is wearing sneakers, but Bambi is wearing a pair of sky white high heels. When I was a kid, we weren’t allowed anywhere near the basketball court if we weren’t wearing rubber soles. Bambi looks ridiculous. Where is my crusty old gym teacher to yell at her to get off the court? Gary runs some charity named Educated Ballers for kids. In order to play basketball in the charity, you have to have good grades. Isn’t that the standard? Well except for Kevin Garnett. He’s kind of dumb. He’d be perfect for Bambi. Gary wants Bambi and Malaysia to talk to the young girls in the program. I’m afraid.

“See if you guys could meet them, enlighten them,” Gary says. Enlighten them? Non-English speaking Malaysia and sparkle shorts Bambi? What could these two possibly enlighten a young girl about? Throwing glitter? Applying pounds of unflattering make-up? The girls all sit on the bleachers looking bored. Bambi and Malaysia ask the girls dumb questions. One girl says her father played basketball in college. “I just play basketball to keep him off my back,” she says. Well, at least she’s honest. It could be worst, kid. Your dad could be Doug Christie. “If you want to play basketball in high school, you have to keep up the grades,” Bambi says, stating the obvious. “Education is the foundation.” What the hell was that? I can’t think of a worse example of womanhood to bring before a group of young impressionable girls. Who is next week’s guest? A Kardashian?

It pains me to write this, but Gloria is back. She’s filming her comic book movie Webisode or whatever the hell it’s supposed to be. Whatever it is, I’m thankful that it will likely never see the light of day. “Tonight, I’m slitting someone’s throat,” she says gleefully. A make-up artist applies lip gloss on Gloria’s face. Unfortunately for the make-up artist, Gloria wants to make conversation. “Have you ever had the squib?” she asks. The make-up artist says she doesn’t know what that is. Gloria is all too happy to explain that it’s a ball of fake blood. Yeah, because that’s what make-up artists do. Run around set getting fake shot with fake blood. Gloria is such a moron. She just wanted to brag on her new found “success.” The director calls action and Gloria runs around and gets shot in the leg with fake bullets. Her character must be Bionic Woman because she keeps on running. Because that’s what people who are shot in the leg do. No way would they fall to the ground after being shot in the appendage that is responsible for mobility. This sure is realistic.  Our little humble Gloria thanks herself for a job well done. “This was awesome,” she says. “You’re welcome,” she says to the staff. “I should get shot all the time.” We should be so lucky.

Malaysia is hosting a birthday party for herself at a roller rink. The party has a 1980’s theme. I don’t think any of these women remember the 80’s, because there is an overwhelming amount of stankness about them. Laura, who clearly went shopping at American Apparel the night before, is wearing a belly baring top and some tiny gym shorts. Jackie is somewhat reasonable in a Kangol, cut-off jean shorts and rainbow colored socks. Still, she kind of looks like the love child of Fred “Re-Run” Berry and Natalie from “The Facts of Life.” Malaysia is wearing a gold halter top and frilly skirt with a poofy wig. “So Malaysia went for the old Whitney Houston look and she nailed it,” Bambi says. Child, Whitney never looked like that even at her worst. Stop playing. Draya is wearing a silk multi-colored Versace blouse and black booty shorts with a gold fanny pack. I don’t get it. Draya doesn’t look at all 80’s. She looks like she should be partying in Baltimore right now as we speak. All that’s missing is the gold tooth and matching gold lipstick.

Brooke, who is my age and therefore spent all of elementary school in the 80’s should know what people were wearing in that decade. But as usual, she keeps it classy. She’s wearing a leotard that’s two sizes too small, over purple tights and lime green leggings. My eyeballs should sue her for assault. Bambi, wearing a slightly less stank version of Brooke’s outfit, has a Flashdance type of top on with her catchphrase, “Shimmer” airbrushed across the front. Did I miss a “Back to the Future” sequel where Marty McFly travels back in time to make the Reagan era the stankest decade of all time? Nobody dressed like these women in the 80’s unless they were walking down 14th Street. And even they were wearing more clothes than this.

The venue is empty. There’s no one there except for maybe Malaysia’s sister who doesn’t realize the concept of just because it comes in your size, doesn’t mean you should wear it. The women all come to the conclusion that they don’t like how Laura is treating old crazy Jackie.

“She is rude,” Brooke says about Laura. “She just nitpicks with the little jokes.” “She’ll smile at you, she’ll act innocent, but then she’ll start pushing my buttons,” Jackie says. Well that certainly sounds like familiar behavior. Laura joins Brooke and Jackie on the floor. Brooke skates away. “There’s been some things that you have said that have really hurt my fillins,” Jackie says to Laura. “I think I’m being immature by talking to everybody else about it but you.”

“There’s a lot of people that feel like I’m being a doormat.” I love how Jackie invents the facts in her arguments. Brooke comes back and Laura cozies up to her. “I don’t give a [expletive]!” Laura says to Jackie. Jackie’s stunned. “You don’t give a [expletive]?” Jackie asks. “No,” Laura says. “Stop bringing other people into this.” “How do you feel about us?” Jackie asks. “I think you should get to skating,” Laura says. Jackie skates away. I wish Jackie cared as much about her relationship with her daughters as she did about her relationship with Big Mixx.

Malaysia confronts the group. “If you don’t [expletive] like each other, then don’t [expletive] kick it!” she says. “We have all complained about your nitpicking,” Brooke says to Laura. Laura starts acting clownish. She’s got that ridiculous spiked backpack on again. Jackie is standing off to the side looking very pleased with herself. “I just don’t want Jackie to get confused,” Draya says in an interview. She’s happy right now that we’re all in her corner, but it’s not because we like her. We are just witnessing something that we feel needs to stop.” Hmmmm. I think perhaps this season was filmed right around the time that the last season of Miami was being aired. The backlash about the bullying and general ignorance of that show may have caused some damage control manipulation by the producers of the L.A. series. I don’t see these women caring in the least bit about Jackie any other time. “There’s nothing you can say to make me cool with the fact that you’re taunting this woman,” Bambi says. “I’m never going to be okay with that.” But you’re okay with that dookie braid Pro-Gel assisted hairstyle? Does Bambi owe Jackie money or something? She goes all out for Mrs. Christie. “I don’t give a [expletive] about none of it,” Jackie says. Yes you do.

Draya meets with Gloria to update her on the gossip. “You look stressed,” Gloria says. “Is everything good?”

“Yes, I got a lot to tell you,” Draya says. Draya doesn’t look stressed, she just looks a mess. She’s wearing a crop turtleneck that matches the color of her foundation and a beaded headband that she’s placed across her forehead. The black roots are showing in her blonde dyed hair. She looks like a roadie. “Your sister has a weird way of showing her love to Jackie,” Draya says. “It’s almost kind of hard to watch now because Jackie don’t go back on her,” Draya says. “Jackie like [expletive] over Laura last year and Jackie went after Laura in the most vulnerable time,” Gloria says.  “That’s your sister,” Draya says. “You’re going to stick up for her. I get it. “Of course I’m going to stick up with her ‘til death do us part,” Gloria says. Shouldn’t that be in your vows? Draya says that she thinks both Gloria and Laura are fake. Well, duh.

Some ignorant previews: Jackie takes her hideous clothes to New York fashion week. Bambi gets Compton on Gloria. Brooke lands the cover of King Magazine. Gloria finally gets married and the gang all heads down to Louisiana to desecrate one of my favorite cities. Until next week…The End.

M.T. Wiseman is a freelance journalist located in the Washington Metropolitan area. She is a reality show junkie, but draws the line at anything Kardashian related. Follow her on Twitter @mtwiseman .

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