This episode isn’t much different than any of the others. There’s more fake meeting up for drinks, more fake meeting up to fake shop and more parties for no reason. The only difference is that there is way too much Gloria for my taste. She’s in pretty much every scene. I was getting used to not hearing her shrill voice yammer on about herself. The vacation is over.
Jackie meets with Gloria to talk about Laura. “I adore your sister,” Jackie says. “Most of the girls want me to confront her.” No they don’t. Jackie rambles on and Gloria says that she zoned out during the conversation. “I think I definitely took a nap,” Gloria says. That’s exactly what I do when Gloria speaks. Jackie says that she’s nervous about showing her clothing line at New York fashion week. “You guys are picky,” she says. Gloria says she won’t bite her tongue when it comes to critiquing Jackie’s designs. “I just can’t not be honest,” she says. “I don’t want to be the one to bust her bubble on her day.”
Well let me bust your bubble Gloria. That is the most hideous hairstyle I have seen since I wore finger waves adorned with glitter in eighth grade. Gloria’s hair is styled in these long bowl cut bangs that take up half her head. The other half is tied up in a long Madonna Blonde Ambition era phonytail. She looks like an English Sheep Dog who could only scrape up enough money for a wash and set at the JC Penny salon. She has no room to criticize anyone.
The latest stop on the Bambi/Malaysia Lean on Me Goodwill Tour 2012 is some school here they meet two teenage girls named Michelle and Myra. I don’t know what horrible thing Michelle and Myra did to deserve this, but Bambi and Malaysia have now appointed themselves as these girls’ mentors. I think I’d rather just have detention. Malaysia tells the girls that she and Bambi both grew up in Compton.
“We didn’t grow up with the best of environments,” she says. “It gets better because we won’t let go.” That sounds like a threat. “I have positive role models in my life to get me on this path,” Malaysia says. Exactly what path is she talking about? The inarticulate wife of an NBA player? Reality show embarrassment? Malaysia seems to have herself confused with an actual role model. Nobody is breaking their necks to write a Black History report on two self-important reality show twits. Bambi and Malaysia look surprised when both girls state that they’ve already graduated from high school. Malaysia incorrectly guesses that Myra wants a career in fashion.
“I’d rather be like a social worker,” Myra says.
Ha! Good for you Myra. Pick up your face, Malaysia. Michelle says that she’d like to work with juvenile delinquents. “I have a friend who does that,” Bambi says excitedly. “Are you going to college?” “I start next semester,” Michelle says. “This is my roommate,” she says pointing to Myra. Bambi and Malaysia both seem exasperated. Why won’t these well-adjusted, articulate girls just let them mentor them?! “We just got to help you guys get a job,” Bambi says. As what, glitter throwing rodeo clowns? No thanks, Bambi. I think they’re doing alright on their own.
“I know it’s not easy sharing your story,” Malaysia says in her soft, bucktoothed voice. “Where can I be a aid for you? What’s hurting? Don’t be afraid to call and say ‘I got a problem.’” God bless these two girls for not cracking up in her face. Frustrated that their goodwill attempts have been thwarted by Michelle and Myra’s combined ambition and intelligence, Bambi and Malaysia turn their charitable efforts elsewhere. “I think I want to do something like help somewhere,” Malaysia says. “If we can like help somebody build a house.” “You know how to build a house?” Bambi asks. “I mean I can find out,” Malaysia says. I’m very afraid.
Brooke, Draya and Gloria go on a body piercing date. Brooke gets a metal piercing in the back of her neck. It looks like the chip they put in my cat’s neck. Something tells me Brooke has scratched at many a door in the wee hours of the morning, too. It must be my birthday because the original El Calico Kitty, Matt Barnes, has returned. He walks in the piercing parlor and greets the women. “Hey what’s going on?” he says. Brooke says that seeing Matt with Gloria makes her wonder where her relationship with her adolescent boyfriend Vernon stands. She thinks Gloria is the best person to get advice from. I pity her.
Draya hosts a party for the launch of her swimwear line. I can’t believe they’re still going with this story line. Anyway, Draya has ordered all the guests to dress in white. Jackie, of course, saunters in wearing a black and gold lame jumpsuit that doesn’t fit her body. She says that Draya never told her the dress code. The women are surprised to see Jackie not dressed in white. Jackie feigns embarrassment and bemoans the reaction that Draya will have once she sees her.
“She just going to go off,” Jackie says. “Yeah, she is,” Bambi confirms. Draya walks in wearing a dress that closely resembles Bjork’s hideous swan dress. “You’re not embarrassed?” she asks Jackie. Draya, have you forgotten who you’re talking to? This is a woman who wears corsets as business attire. Jackie offers Draya a present wrapped in a box with a bow. “I hope you take it because you’re so pretty,” Jackie says. Draya had better hope that box isn’t from Jokey Smurf. “Just please stay low on the radar,” Draya says. Good luck with that.
Malaysia gets up to walk to the restroom. Jackie walks with her. It doesn’t take long before Jackie makes herself the center of attention. Not dressing in white has apparently caused her great pain. “I’m about to throw up,” she says. “I’m emotionally upset. Why not call me and tell me? It hurts.” Malaysia, feeling sorry for Jackie, takes her hand and leads her back to the other women. “Jackie’s crying,” Malaysia says to Draya. “We did not do this intentionally,” Draya says. “She knew damned well it was all white.” Malaysia becomes angry at Jackie and confronts her. “My heart is genuine,” Malaysia says. “I can’t take this [expletive].”
Jackie stands up to leave the party, but decides to confront Laura before she goes. Draya escorts the entire cast over to a sofa to watch the confrontation. “I think that some of the things that you said was hurtful to me,” Jackie says to Laura. Isn’t this how she begins every conversation? Jackie could murder someone and kneel over their casket telling them how much they hurt her “fillins.” “For you to sit there and play me like a fool like against everybody was not cool,” Laura says. “You childish,” Jackie says. “You dumb!” Bambi jumps in to defend Jackie. “She’s sorry!” she says to Laura. Laura tells Bambi to shut up. Gloria jumps in to defend her sister. “You’re like the freshman in the crew,” she tells Bambi. This is so stupid. They’re all yelling over each other. “You are new. You don’t even have the right to say anything,” Gloria says about Bambi. That’s funny, because I seem to recall Jackie expressing that same sentiment towards Brooke earlier in the season and Gloria objecting to that line of reasoning. Perhaps the bangs gave her a change of heart.
Brooke, Draya and Gloria meet up for nothing. They reflect on Draya’s party. “I don’t hate Jackie,” Brooke says. “She hasn’t done anything to me, but I get it more.” Gloria says she’s throwing Laura a birthday party. Brooke and Draya don’t seem at all enthused. Brooke just happens to receive a phone call from Sean, the editor for King Magazine. King has an editor? I’ve never opened that magazine, but I just assumed they just threw a bunch of greasy pictures together and called it a publication, like some third grade class project. Sean tells Brooke that she’s landed the cover of the magazine. “I’m at a loss for words,” Brooke says. “This has put a validation on everything,” she says. Finally, in the world of D-List soft pornography, Brooke has gotten her just due. As with all reality shows, the scheduled and scripted phone call is not only on camera, but also on speaker. Sean, uses this time to disparage Draya and refers to her as “homegirl who bounced out.” Draya, bristling at the remark, curses Sean. “Don’t gossip like a [expletive],” she says. “It’s not cute.” Brooke says that Draya is “Jackie Jr.” “All I hear is a lot of jibber jabber,” Sean says. “What’s going on?” Oh honey, stick around. The entire episode is just that. Draya is hopping mad.
“He shouldn’t have said nothing about me,” she says. “I will never shoot for them. They only come out four times a year. It’s not a big deal to me.” “In our careers, it’s a big deal,” Brooke says. Careers? Come on, Brooke. Even you can’t say that with a straight face. Gloria and her bangs try to smooth things over. “This is a Brooke moment, so cheers to you and the King cover!” I’d almost forgotten Gloria was there until she spoke. Man! She is like a pimple that just won’t quit.
Some Ignorant Previews: Look out, New York! Jackie is bringing her ugly clothes to spread all over you. Brooke wants to force Draya to be a friend and Jackie is still hard pressed to be Laura’s friend…The End.
M.T. Wiseman is a freelance journalist located in the Washington Metropolitan area. She is a reality show junkie, but draws the line at anything Kardashian related. Follow her on Twitter @mtwiseman.
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