On this episode of Basketball Wives L.A., Bambi shimmers, Laura wavers and Jackie is back on the road to crazy town.

Cast of VH1's 'Basketball Wives LA' 2011. (Cody Bess Photography/Vh1 Networks)

Bambi, who for some reason, adores Jackie, meets with her for lunch. They spend the entire time talking trash about Draya. “She wants to be liked and I guess in order for her to feel like she’s liked, there has to be somebody that everybody dislikes,” Bambi tells Jackie. “She’s trying to make that you.” Why is Bambi so anti-Draya all of a sudden? Jackie, with a big Cheshire grin on her face, nods in agreement. She knows she now has Bambi caught in her web of crazy and there’s no escape. “I’m not having it,” Jackie says.  “What are you going to do if she wants to talk to you?” Bambi asks. Clearly, Jackie has been fantasizing about that scenario for some time. “It ain’t going to be pretty at all,” Jackie says in her usual fast paced Rick James-like cadence. “I need the hugest apology she’s ever given in her life. She’s going to have to grovel on the ground like a little dog. Hopefully she gets me on a day when the stars are aligned.” Why is Jackie so pressed about Draya? It’s bizarre and creepy as all get out. I hope Draya locks her doors at night. Jackie sounds like a Lifetime Movie waiting to happen.

Brooke and Draya meet at some adolescent Chuck E. Cheese type place named the Sky Zone. Brooke reveals that she has three children, a 15-year-old girl, a 13-year-old boy and an eight-year-old boy. Good Lord, how old is this woman? She has nearly grown children and she’s still chasing behind 22-year-old basketball players? Get a job. And we thought Evelyn was bad.

Draya brings her young son, Kniko and introduces him to Brooke and her two oldest children. Kniko’s face says it all. He looks like he’s saying, “You told me there would be kids here. These are not kids. They’re eligible for draft cards.” Brooke and Draya go off in a corner to film their scripted dialogue. “It’s easier to break the ice when children are around because you know nothing is going to get hostile or anything,” Draya says. Sure Draya. Just ask the Real Housewives of New Jersey.

Brooke and Draya talk about the fight with Jackie. “I saw the frustration in your face,” Brooke says. “Never did I think you were going to swing on her.” “I have never been under like so much pressure with a bunch of women before,” Draya says. “She just doesn’t respect me and I’m just tired of it.” Brooke says she feels torn between Draya and Jackie and that she’ll be disappointed if she misses Jackie’s wedding.

“I wanted to go to her wedding because it was at the gay club,” Brooke says. “We can go to the gay club,” Draya says. Yeah, what is stopping Brooke from hanging out at a gay club? Surely, it’s not her children. We didn’t even know they existed.

Bambi is performing at some club. Malaysia and her sister Crystal are there. To further illustrate how bootleg this event is, Laura walks the red carpet and is then immediately frisked by a bouncer. Ha! It’s like going to see Rare Essence at The Classics, Joe!

Jackie walks in with her friend whose name I can’t remember. Oh man. What in the hell is Jackie wearing? Last season, I said Jackie was dressed as the ring master at the prostitute circus. Now, she’s trying to top that. Her new outfit consists of an ill fitting white corset with matching white fishnet stockings. She’s also wearing a gaudy black military jacket with epaulets that I’m sure Tito Jackson must’ve discarded in a Victory Tour garage sale long ago. There are no pants to speak of. If you find this ensemble difficult to envision, picture it as if The Nutcracker was taking place on 14th Street

Jackie immediately interrogates Laura about Draya. “I got to ask you a question,” Jackie says. “You know me and Draya had that fight right?” Considering she was sitting right there, I’m pretty sure she does, Jackie. “But do you think I was wrong?” Jackie asks. Oh my goodness.  Laura says yes.  “So you don’t think this [expletive] going to grovel to me on the floor and kiss my [expletive] left shoe with a tear in her right eye, because that’s what I need. Man, Jackie is weird! They say people mellow with age. I doubt she has. I can’t imagine how she was as a teenager. All that crazy probably wrapped up in a curl and Jordache jeans.

Bambi takes the stage, bouncing to some stupid song. She’s dressed in a half shirt and sequined booty shorts. She’s accompanied by dancers wearing undershirts and doing the same stupid dance she is. Her dancers look like they work for Metro. It all looks like some 7th grade badly choreographed production for spirit week. Bambi starts rapping some nonsense about BBM-ing her boyfriend, Instagram-ing cash flow and something about judo I think. Whatever it is, as I’m sure you’ve already guessed, it’s horrible.

But the touching lyrics must’ve tugged at Jackie’s heart strings, because she bursts into tears saying the performance reminded her of all the fun times she shared with her dearly departed mother. “I miss my mom, Malaysia.” Jackie says. This song reminds you of your mom? Bambi’s ignorant song? I’m reminded of my mom every time I hear Alexander O’Neal’s “Fake.” Sandra loved that joint. My mom is a lot younger than Jackie’s mom and I’m pretty sure she doesn’t know what Instagram is and probably thinks a BBM is some type of life threatening bowel movement. I didn’t know Jackie’s mom personally, but she didn’t really seem like the type who would be Instagraming her cash flow with the likes of Bambi.

Laura and Jackie meet for waffles or something. Jackie goes on and on about Draya. Laura tells Jackie that she’s creeped out about Jackie’s ability to cry on a dime. “If I feel hurt, I can’t help that I cry,” Jackie says. “I’m led by my emotions.”  Laura begins tearing down Draya. “Draya talks big [expletive],” Laura says. “She’s a little person.” “Very,” Jackie says. What a couple of jealous hags. “You talk big, you will get dropped big,” Laura says. Like Malaysia dropped you big last season right, Big Mixx? Jackie is delighted. She’s got Bambi and now Big Mixx in her crazy corner. “You don’t know how happy I am,” Jackie says. “I thought she had you wrapped up.”

Bambi, Laura and Malaysia pretend to shop for outfits for Jackie’s wedding. If only they knew how much more flattering these vintage frocks are on them than the tight short lycra crap they normally wear.  Laura and Malaysia tell Bambi that they’re not going to Jackie’s wedding. Bambi, of all people, thinks this is tacky. “You going to have to tell her,” Bambi says. “I’m not telling her nothing,” Laura says.

Malaysia asks Laura how she would feel if Jackie died. Does Malaysia know something we don’t know? “If she died, I’d be like ‘Yo, that’s hella sad, but let me get them scallops,’” Laura says. “And then I’mma drink some Hennessey in R.I.P. of Jackie.” Yo, Big Mixx. You’d need money for them scallops and Henessey. You don’t have that. Don’t think we’ve forgotten that Gilbert kicks you out of the house every other month. Don’t get cute. The End.

Some ignorant previews. Bambi and Draya kiss, everyone wants to touch Brooke’s booty, Jackie goes to Seattle, Brooke and Jackie fight.

M.T. Wiseman is a freelance journalist located in the Washington metropolitan area. She is a reality show junkie, but draws the line at anything Kardashian related. Follow her on Twitter @mtwiseman

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