On this episode of Basketball Wives: LA, Jackie gets married so that gay people can look at her and wish that they could.

Cast of VH1's 'Basketball Wives LA' 2011. (Cody Bess Photography/Vh1 Networks)

“Honestly, I think she’s making a mockery of the gays,” Draya says. “You’re getting a straight marriage, in front of people who would love to get married but can’t. That’s a slap in the face.” Good point. “I never thought about it like that,” Malaysia says. Why does Malaysia always look and sound like a heroin addict nodding off? It’s distracting.

Speaking of distracting, Brooke walks in wearing, seriously, the stankest outfit I’ve ever seen in life. And I live not far from the stroll. It even rivals Jackie’s nutcracker prostitute get up from last week. She’s wearing a tight black spandex top with an even tighter spandex red skirt that barely covers her private parts.

She’s barely able to walk and it’s unclear if that’s due to the tightness of the outfit or the ridiculously high heels she’s wearing with it. If it’s the Carmen Jones look Brooke is going for, she failed, miserably. Dorothy Dandridge, you are not, Madame. I’m sorry, call me a hater, but Brooke looks gross.

She’s greasy and I’m not sure if it’s the skirt, but the bottom half of her looks like a Ken Doll. Something’s off. I think her body has been enhanced, but I don’t care enough to figure out where. I’m sure she’ll be on Dr. Phil in a couple years crying about how she nearly died because she allowed some freak to inject her body with rubber cement.

Malaysia is unhappy with Jackie and wants to confront her. “I’m going to show up to the rehearsal and  pull her aside,” she says. “I feel like Jackie doesn’t respect me.” Malaysia says that Jackie used her to get close to Bambi and that Jackie is her pimp.  Malaysia honey, I don’t really think that’s what a pimp does, but please proceed , Governor. “I’m going to go just because she invited me,” Brooke says. You’re going to go because you’re being filmed to do so. “Skipping the wedding is definitely something I would like to do right now,” Malaysia says. So would I.

It’s the day of the wedding rehearsal and Jackie is busy bossing everyone else around including her daughter, Chantel who is one of two maids of honor. “I didn’t believe you when you said you were coming,” Jackie says to Chantel. “I didn’t either,” Chantel says. Ha!

Malaysia and Bambi walk in. As promised, Malaysia pulls Jackie aside. “Basically, my fillins is hurt,” Malaysia says. “You asked me and my friend to be in the wedding. You only known her for like two seconds. Why take it important if you don’t take it serious?”

Sometimes I’m convinced that Malaysia is a first semester ESL student. Jackie is apologetic. “I’m sorry and I’m overjoyed you’re here,” she says. “I care deeply for you. I would put my life on the line for you.” Really?  They hug. Malaysia says she’s not going to let Jackie live rent free in her brain anymore. Lord knows there’s a lot of real estate up there.

Malaysia and Bambi are in a hotel I guess. Bambi looks a million times better without the pounds of drag make up slathered all over her face. She’s actually, dare I say, cute. “Where the heck is Laura?” Malaysia asks. Bambi tells Malaysia that she doesn’t trust Laura. “Every time I walk away, I see Laura say some little sneak [expletive],” she says. Malaysia tells Bambi to call Laura out the next time.

Big Mixx walks in with a backpack, looking haggard. Her face is scratched. Her implants are akimbo. “What the [expletive] happened to you?” Bambi asks. Laura jokingly says she got in a bar fight. “You look like you got in a bar fight,” Bambi says. Laura says that she’s actually really tired. “I just got off a plane for this [expletive],” she says. You signed up for this [expletive] Big Mixx.

Bambi tells Laura that she thinks Laura has been talking about her. “I don’t feel like I talk behind nobody’s back,” Laura says. I feel like if I have something to say, I say it.” “I don’t feel like that,” Bambi says. But I thought Bambi was okay with that.

She herself said, that she “talks behind [expletive] backs and then be like ‘hey boo.’” Anyway, aren’t these women in their 30’s? Do people still worry about stuff like this? Is this a real life problem? Try my life for once. Every night, I have to listen to my big, fat ignorant neighbors who look like a family of loose M&Ms, as they loudly talk on the phone on the front steps. Apparently, talking indoors isn’t how M&Ms communicate. I’ve had to turn the volume up twice to watch this trash show while the biggest M&M is out there cackling. “Woo Child! I ate about five whole turkey wangs!” Now see if I threw a brick out of the window, I’d be in the wrong.

Laura says that Bambi is judging her prematurely. “First get to know somebody,” she says in an interview. “The only thing I’m going to ask from this point on is call it out,” she tells Bambi. Why does Laura seem to have problems with everybody? I don’t think she has any female friends. Her own annoying sister doesn’t even like her. Maybe she’ll want to meet the family of M&Ms who are making my life miserable right now.

It’s the day of Jackie’s stupid wedding. The Basketball Wives are on the red carpet getting their photographs taken. Oh man, I hate to belabor the point, but someone in Brooke’s life hates her. Once again, she’s wearing a short, tight spandex dress and the sides are cut out so her breasts are visible. She looks pregnant. Why did she do this to herself? Jackie emerges wearing an ugly wedding gown.

“We’re going to make noise for something that means so much to us,” she says. Yes, it means so much that Doug decided to wear his good jeans for this special event. Along with a too-small yellow shirt. Hey, every girl’s crazy about a shy dressed man. Laura shows up on the red carpet.  Here comes Big Mixx. She’s wearing a sequined leotard, pantyhose and a tremendous amount of make-up. She says that she’s dressed in drag. Uh…I don’t get it. I thought she was a biological woman. How is this drag?

Other than the pantyhose, isn’t this how she usually looks? “What the hell does she have on?” Jackie asks. When Jackie Christie asks that, you know you look bad. Laura bends over and puts her behind on Doug’s shoulder while he bends down to pose for pictures. “Don’t be offended,” Laura says. “I’m a dude.” In the words of my father, who don’t know that?  

Did I just see Harvey, the tough judge from Celebrity Fit Club as Doug’s best man? Harvey? He who screams at Q-List celebrities to get their fat butts in gear about their “target weight louse?” He’s friends with Doug and he can’t motivate him to leave that banshee? The Christies exchange their vows.

Nobody is listening and all the guests are having their own private conversation. I would normally consider that rude, but they are getting married in a night club for goodness sake.

They kiss and Jackie shows Doug her hideous “gay pride” tattoo. It’s as ugly as it was when she first got it. Like I said before, it’s a wall sconce with an upside down food pyramid in between it. Doug, who sounds medicated most of the time, approves. “Ooh nice,” he says. “He’s never seen my tattoo,” Jackie says. “In fact, he’s going to want one too.” Sounds like she’s ordering him to do so. Poor, dumb Doug. “This wedding was fun,” Malaysia says. “The last one was very senta mento.” Lord.  

Brooke and Jackie meet to be filmed walking down the street I guess. “I feel like you and me are just alike,” Jackie says. Well the wardrobe is somewhat similar. “I wish you and Bambi could like work it out, but I don’t know the whole story,” Jackie says. She’s fishing and it’s so obvious.  “It’s really not a story,” Brooke says. “She’s mad because I blocked her on Twitter. I feel like I blocked her because I don’t want [Bambi] in my beez ness. Me and her will never be friends.”

Who has time for all this? Doesn’t she have three kids to raise? Brooke invites Jackie to her pool party and informs her that Draya will be in attendance. “I’m cool,” Jackie says. “All I’m saying is just don’t get in the middle.” “If you got into a physical altercation I will pull you guys off of each other,” Brooke says. “If it’s like some major disrespect then I’ll be like ‘Jackie I [expletive] with Draya.’” Jackie totally misquotes Brooke in an interview. “She did go on to say something that was quite alarming,” Jackie says. “If you were beating the hell out of her which we both know would be the case, I’m going to have to say ‘no Jackie stop, I [expletive] with Draya.’  

That was a warning sign.  That was a red flag.” Jackie, your whole existence is a red flag.

It’s the day of Brooke’s party and, oh God no. Gloria’s back. “I’m really excited to see the girls,” she says. Well, I’m really not excited to see her girls. I wish she’d stop wearing those belly button grazing bathing suits. As a matter of fact, just go all the way away Gloria. “Jackie is like a leech,” Brooke says to the other women. Jackie walks in. “I don’t want to bring drama,” Jackie says. “I want to have fun. I don’t want to bring the drama but if it’s brought, so be it.” Draya walks in and sits down. “I already know that she’s there first,” Draya says. “Jackie wouldn’t have it any other way.” The women are all seated together.

Jackie begins lacing up her white and bright yellow Homey the Clown hi-tops. Where the hell did she dig those roach killers up from? They look like they belonged to Kareem Abdul-Jabbar when he was still Lew Alcindor. “What are doing Jackie?” Brook asks. “Oh nothing,” Jackie says. “Just changing my shoes so I can have a drink.” Apparently those are Jackie’s drinking shoes. Jackie the clown don’t mess around even though the man try to keep her down.

The End.

Some ignorant previews: Bambi confronts Laura in the mountains, Jackie is confronted by her daughters and Jackie want to know who got insurance up in here.

M.T. Wiseman is a freelance journalist located in the Washington Metropolitan area. She is a reality show junkie, but draws the line at anything Kardashian related. Follow her on Twitter @mtwiseman