On this episode of Basketball Wives L.A., Brooke doesn’t like Malaysia, Bambi doesn’t like Laura and Brooke and Jackie star in Penitentiary VII: The Senior Years.

Cast of VH1's 'Basketball Wives LA' 2011. (Cody Bess Photography/Vh1 Networks)

Back at Brooke’s pool party, random scantily clad guests are dancing and taking pictures. It looks like a party I would never be invited to. Brooke is wearing a side phonytail. I swear I saw a pimp walk across my television screen and also maybe Rappin’ 4-Tay. I can’t say for certain, but think I may be watching the lost footage of Tupac’s “I Get Around” video.

Draya passes out cigars to the women. Jackie suspects her cigar has a bomb in it. I can’t pretend that wouldn’t have been funny. She’d better check the label and make sure it doesn’t say Acme.

Brooke confronts Malaysia about her coy phone call. Malaysia deflects the attention off of her and encourages Brooke to talk to Bambi about their ridiculous non-beef. Bambi says that Brooke called her ghetto. Brooke admits that she probably did. Then they debate about who is more ghetto.

“I’m from South Central,” Brooke says. “I don’t want to be drunk and you come and swing on me.”

Okay, I’m going to call it a tie. They sort of make up. Jackie also apologizes to Draya, I think. Draya looks like she can’t get away from her fast enough and accepts Jackie’s apology with all the sincerity of Trent Lott at an Urban League meeting. Despite a rough start, the party was a success for the hostess. “No one got stabbed, no one got hit,” Brooke says. “I’m glad the girls came and could give me some great memories.” She’s the Emily Post of South Central.  

Laura and Bambi meet in the park. Laura tries to give Bambi a hug, but Bambi rudely rebuffs her. Bambi asks Laura to reveal her true feelings about Jackie. “There is no relationship,” Laura says. “She’s a class clown. I don’t care what she thinks about me.” Bambi calls Laura a bully. “You got to chill,” Bambi says. “Okay, you got to chill,” Laura says. I think EPMD needs to sue them both for copyright infringement. Bambi says she doesn’t like the way Laura treats Jackie.

“You are like a little bully,” Bambi says. Laura says that Bambi is overanalyzing the situation and that she doesn’t know her well enough to judge. Bambi takes off. Laura follows behind her. “You don’t know who I am,” Laura says. “I don’t,” Bambi says. “Who are you?” “We got to hang out,” Laura says. Why is she so pressed to hang out with Bambi? Find your own friends. Although I think Bambi is inflating the Jackie issue, I do think she’s hesitant to befriend someone who initiated a fist fight with her friend.

The women all meet at a cocktail mixology class. Jackie saunters in wearing a black trench coat, black sunglasses and knee high, baby pink lace-up boots. They are beyond hideous. Brooke on the other hand, is dressed like a 1984 Olympic shot putter. She’s wearing a track suit and tennis shoes with her hair tied back in a phonytail. Around her neck is some stupid necklace that spells out “Don’t Trust [B-Words.]”

She’s so tacky. When Bambi and Malaysia walk in, Brooke immediately confronts Malaysia. “I’m bothered by that phone call by Malaysia,” Brooke says. Still? I thought this was resolved at the Tupac party.  Bambi immediately stands at Malaysia’s side, but doesn’t intervene.  “I don’t know you, Malyasia,” Brooke says.  “Y’all don’t know me.” Malaysia tries to explain. “People are just getting it mix understood,” Malaysia says. Brooke begins to come around. “Malaysia was very sincere and I feel like I might have had Malaysia pegged for the wrong person,” she says. She hugs Malaysia. That was weird.

Draya walks in wearing a lace corset, leather pants and a black crimped wig. At first, I first assumed it to be a Desperately Seeking Susan costume, but it’s actually a Jackie Christie costume. Ha! She’s actually a very well-styled version of Jackie Christie. Draya does a good natured impersonation of Jackie, bragging about the price of her ring. Jackie isn’t amused. She announces that she is now going to impersonate Draya. If you have pets or small children, I suggest you ask them to leave the room. Jackie removes her trench coat and is wearing nothing but an ill-fitting black bra and matching girdle. My eyes! She then gives herself a wedgie, revealing the multicolored dimpled flesh that had been thankfully covered until now. “I’m Draya,” she says. Everyone looks disgusted. Jackie puts her coat back on, but she’s still angry. She berates Draya with a series of epithets.

Jackie reveals that she’s carrying pepper spray. At the other end of the bar, Brooke, a.k.a., Ignorant Barbie, is still hopped up on rage. “If any of that get in my eye, we going to have a [expletive] problem!” Brooke says. “It just got crackin’,” Jackie says. I’m so embarrassed for these people. I’m especially embarrassed for the bartender who was supposed to be teaching these fools how to mix drinks. He’s standing there in shock.

“Who got insurance up in this [expletive]?” Jackie asks. “[Expletive], it’s nothing but air and opportunity,” Brooke says. “I got bail money at the end of the day.” Their children must be so proud.

At this point, Jackie must sense that Brooke is just a little more crazy than she, and she begins to put her hands up in a defensive posture. “If you want to fight, we can fight,” Jackie says. “Why don’t we go to the ring?” The next scene is hastily edited and the next thing we see is Jackie’s weave torn out and Brooke’s tank top torn with her breast exposed. We never see the actual fight. I guess this is in response to the Evelyn and Tami backlash from the Miami version.

Doug and Jackie visit their hometown of Seattle. Jackie visits her mother’s grave. She’s wearing a letterman’s jacket. I’d like to assume the big initials sewn on Jackie’s ugly Uptown Crew jacket stood for Jesus Christ, but look who we’re talking about.  She rambles to her mother’s headstone. “I love you with all my heart and I want to thank you for everything,” Jackie says. “Me and Kari is doing better. She has to learn to stop following Chani sometimes. Malaysia and the rest of them, I kind of talk to them. They never really admitted their fault in it. I know that was really important before you passed that you wanted me to try and talk to the girls. You now I’m a feisty person and people misread that.” Poor woman. Her daughter's narcissism managed to even follow her to her grave.  

Some Ignorant Previews: Jackie and a therapist ambush Jackie’s daughters. Doug plans an escape.

M.T. Wiseman is a freelance journalist located in the Washington Metropolitan area. She is a reality show junkie, but draws the line at anything Kardashian related. Follow her on Twitter @mtwiseman

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