Back in Seattle, Jackie has just ambushed her daughters with an intervention about how awesome they should think she is. The girls are not happy with this surprise, especially the youngest, Chantel. Jackie says that her daughters were dead set against this intervention, but she doesn’t care. “I decided this is what I want to do,” she says. In case you hadn’t heard, the world revolves around Mrs. Christie. A little skittish therapist sits on the sofa watching the girls’ reactions. She’s lame. I watch the show Intervention every week and she’s definitely no Bald Toothless Jeff. He’s the best interventionist in the world. Bald Toothless Jeff would tell the girls that there’s a whole bunch of people in the room that “love them like crazy” and he’d hold Jackie accountable for being the horrible person she is.
Jackie’s oldest daughter Kari volunteers to share how she feels about her mother. “I’ve always felt intimidated by my mom,” she says through tears. “I didn’t feel like I was good enough.” If I could reach through the screen and hug this girl, I would. She is seriously messed up.
“You’ve always been good enough,” Jackie says. “Ever since you was born, you always had everything.” Clearly, Jackie heard what she wanted to hear. Kari didn’t mention anything about material things that Doug’s money bought.
Chantel isn’t buying Jackie’s mess. “What good was the roof over our head if you weren’t home cooking for us?” Chantel asks. Jackie is offended. “There was food in the house, heat in the house. Grandma is down the hall,” she says. The girls say they developed a close relationship with their grandmother because of Jackie being away so much. “Don’t call me un-genuine and [expletive]!” Jackie says. “For you to feel I’m not genuine is baffling.” Clearly, the June Cleaver persona Jackie was trying to put on has worn off and she’s in full on Jackiesaurus mode. “Let’s just agree to disagree,” Chantel says. “I can take responsibility for anything I done,” Jackie says. Sure, Jackie. Kari is still upset. “I will never get over it,” she says.
Jackie is still reveling in her obtuseness. “This was just a horrible idea,” she says. “Accusations that weren’t true and meanness. That’s not something I indulge in.” I have to disagree. That’s all she indulges in. The girls decide they’ve had enough and they leave. They’re greeted outside by Doug who didn’t want any part of the whole charade. “That was garbage,” Chantel says to her father. I agree. “She loves you guys more than anything,” Doug says. “Sometimes it’s [expletive] up how it comes across.” Don’t you think that’s a problem?
Jackie, someone with no job, has hired an assistant. Although he says his name is Shawn, he looks suspiciously like my cousin, Christopher. Jackie and Shawn are at her storage unit selecting things she wants to sell. Jackie says she’s accumulated a lot of things from an online store she had. Does that sound bizarre to anyone but me? Jackie tells Shawn that she wants to sell all her outdated junk. “I’ll move this like a crack head in a swap meet,” Shawn says. Jackie lists all the things in her storage unit which includes televisions, antiques and for some reason, 700 pair of jeans.
“I know 700 girls who need a pair of jeans,” Shawn says. Okay, that’s definitely Christopher. “He’s a little bit over confident and that worries me,” Jackie says. That’s what all the Wisemans say. Jackie and Shawn take inventory of the storage items. Jackie claims that there are things in the unit that are worth thousands of dollars. I doubt it, but something tells me Shawn will be back and it won’t be with Jackie. It’ll be with Ray-Ray and ‘em.
Brooke and Draya meet. Gloria’s boyfriend (or whatever), Matt, was arrested the night before so she’s upset. She sashays into the restaurant wearing the Basketball Wife uniform of mourning — a sparkle top and booty shorts. She’s wearing a blazer over it to show that she’s serious. Gloria believes the arresting officer has something against Matt. “He made Matt walk home on a game day during the playoffs!” she says. Apparently, Sherriff John Brown always hated Matt. “See, if we lived in the valley, we wouldn’t have these damned problems anyway,” Gloria says. Bye, Gloria. I just can’t with her. She breaks me out in hives.
In Seattle, Bambi, Laura and Malaysia meet Doug and Jackie at the Christie home. Jackie has forced Doug to cook them a feast. Malaysia’s hair is now in a blonde asymmetric. Jackie tells the women all her business about her ill-fated intervention with her daughters. “I love my kids to death,” Jackie says. “I’ve done not just for my kids, but the whole family.” Yes, why is it so hard for everyone to understand that Jackie is so awesome? She sees it. Why can’t everyone else? “I can’t even imagine myself being her daughter,” Laura says in an interview. I can’t either. What a miserable way to grow up. They had a hen-pecked father and an insane, narcissistic mother who followed him around the country making sure no other got near him. The worst Sandra did was pick me up from school with rollers in her hair, blasting “Down Home Blues” with all the windows in the Civic rolled down. That’s benign compared to having Jackie as a mom. Those poor kids.
Laura tells Jackie that she wants to talk with her daughters. Jackie is surprised, but willing. “I don’t have a problem with that if it’s going to help us move forward,” she says. In an interview, Laura reveals her true intentions.
“I would like to meet with Jackie’s daughters because I believe there’s so much more information I could use,” she says. First of all, that’s really evil. Secondly, information to use for what, Big Mixx? You can’t possibly embarrass Jackie any more than she embarrasses herself. You sound like an even bigger loser than she is.
Brooke and Draya go to a lesbian bar. “So ever since I kissed Bambi, everybody wants to be in my lesbian business,” Draya says. I highly doubt that. Draya goes to the bathroom or something. A girl comes over to talk to Brooke, followed by some other girls. “Next thing I know the table is surrounded by girls,” Brooke says. “We’re partying.” Right Brooke. I’m sure the camera crew in your face had nothing to do with these fame leeches surrounding you. The hanger-ons tell Brooke and Draya that they look heterosexual because Draya’s nails are too long. Draya says something that’s obviously so vile, the entire sentence is bleeped. These are mothers y’all. Just in case you didn’t know.
Back in Seattle, Jackie and the other women walk around Seattle not doing much of anything. That leaves plenty of time for idle gossip. Jackie, fishing for information, goes to Bambi under the guise of seeking advice. “I think that Laura wants to be friends, but she wants to be friends on her terms,” Jackie says. “I was just curious what you think.” Bambi says she thinks Jackie and Laura’s friendship is weird. “You too passive when it comes to her,” Bambi says. “You just got to be straight up, [expletive] is it or ain’t it?” She’s so eloquent. When the women leave Jackie, Bambi tells Laura that her ambivalence towards Jackie is making her feel awkward. “Something wrong with you,” Bambi says. “She’s too old!” Laura says. “She shouldn’t even be in our group.” Clearly, the admissions requirements for Baskieball Wifedom are high and Jackie just doesn’t qualify like the others.
In L.A., Bambi and Malaysia meet Jackie. Bambi tells Jackie that Laura is playing her. “Laura is on some B.S.,” she says. She tells Jackie about the conversation she and Malaysia had with Laura where Laura said she’d order alcohol and scallops in honor of Jackie’s hypothetical death. Jackie is shocked. “I will [expletive] Laura up and you can send that message to her!” Bambi says. Really? For Jackie? I doubt she’d do the same for you, Bambi. Despite being friends with Bambi for several years, Malaysia says that she likes Laura and won’t let Bambi’s opinion of her affect her own opinion. “When it comes down to my own friendships I want to decide for myself,” Malaysia says. I really doubt that Laura has any friends, Malaysia. You probably want to steer clear of someone like that. Jackie is still not convinced. “I want to hear it from the horse’s mouth,” she says.
Jackie meets with Laura. “Did you say if I died, you wouldn’t be sad?” she asks Laura. “Who was I saying it to?” Laura asks. Ha! What is wrong with Jackie? Clearly Big Mixx is not interested in being her friend. If she weren’t so vile, I might feel bad for her. “All B.S. aside, do you want to build a friendship with me?” Jackie asks. “You don’t like me?” This is pathetic. Jackie is like that guy who just can’t take a hint. In an interview, Laura says that she’s plotting revenge against Jackie for how she behaved towards her last season. “Jackie played me in the sense of giving me compassion,” Laura says. “She was playing both sides of the fence. So now we best friends to the end. I’mma get you [expletive].” I don’t know who is more pathetic. What does Big Mixx think she’s going to do to Jackie? Drive her crazy? She’s already there, dummy. Jackie has been parked at crazy for quite some time now. You’re a day late and a dollar short. You look even crazier for spending time on trying to hurt her.
Some Ignorant Previews: Chantel confides in Laura. Jackie shows Malaysia the ropes and the gang all dress up like Motley Crue. Until next week…The End.
M.T. Wiseman is a freelance journalist located in the Washington Metropolitan area. She is a reality show junkie, but draws the line at anything Kardashian related. Follow her on Twitter @mtwiseman .
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