On this episode of Basketball Wives L.A., Jackie apologizes, Gloria gloats and Draya schools us on the hierarchy of butt modeling.

Back at Gloria’s bootleg cook book party, all the women want a piece of Jackie. They all talk over each other and the result is a whole lot of high pitched noise.

Cast of VH1's 'Basketball Wives LA' 2011. (Cody Bess Photography/Vh1 Networks)

“The things that you did was very hurtful to us,” Malaysia tells Jackie.

Gloria joins in on the pile on. “Don’t be surprised if you don’t get anything from me because I literally don’t have anything left to give you,” she says. Gloria, get a job. Maybe then you’ll have something to give. Draya tells Jackie that she should work on showing that she’s a better person.

Finally, Jackie’s allowed to speak. “I’m not here to point the finger,” Jackie says. “For my part in this, I totally apologize.”

Wow. That was mature.

“I’m not apologizing because I done something wrong,” she says. “I’m not saying I didn’t. I tried to help in areas I should’ve stayed out of.”

I take back the mature part.

“Just apologize,” Draya says. “It’s that simple.” Jackie speaks in third person. “Jackie Christie is sorry,” she says.

Malaysia, attempting to save Jackie from herself, steps in. “That’s it!” Malaysia says. “No more. Be sorry.” But Jackie can’t contain herself.

“And my heart bleeds for every one of y’all,” she says. “My pride gets in my way.”

Most of Jackie’s issues wouldn’t exist if she would just practice shutting up once in a while. “Is the comedy show up?” Gloria asks while checking her watch. Is it 9 o’clock yet? I think not. So keep entertaining me, clown. Gloria thanks Jackie for the apology and asks her to leave. How rude. Jackie hugs Malaysia and leaves.

“Lock the door,” Gloria says. How can someone so unemployed be so smug? Laura calls Jackie from Malaysia’s cell phone and asks her to come back to the house. “You want me to come back?” Jackie asks. “I’m just kidding girl,” Laura says. “Get the hell on the freeway! See ya, Peace!”

Laura then hangs up in Jackie’s face. I see someone bought some confidence along with all that liposuction. She must’ve had a coupon. The rest of the women cackle at Laura’s antics.

“It was funny,” Draya says in an interview. Draya is wearing some type of chain link thong on her head. Now that’s funny. Brooke and some child named Vernon Macklin have a picnic on the beach. She says they’ve been dating for six or seven months. “I like the fact that he’s not here 24-7,” Brooke says. I’m sure he does, too. Brooke asks Vernon when he’ll return to training camp. “October,” he says. “But I’m going back earlier. Get everything situated.” Why is he on this show? Has he not learned from Chad “No Job-O” Johnson?

Nothing good comes from appearing on Basketball Wives. Not if you’re employed. Malaysia and Jackie meet. Malaysia is wearing a Beverly Hills 90210 shirt, but for some reason, the words are blurred out. Clearly, even Andrea Zuckerman doesn’t want to be associated with this. Jackie tells Malaysia that she’d like to host an event and invite the other women.

“That ain’t gon’ work,” Malaysia says. “They’ll think you’re going to poison them.” “I’m not going to poison them,” Jackie says. “I may slap the [expletive] out of them.” “Jackie!” exclaims Malaysia. “I wouldn’t,” Jackie says. “I’m serious.” I don’t believe her. Brooke is on the set of what looks a porno, getting her weave sewn in. She reveals that it’s actually a photo shoot for King Magazine. “Whoever brings their A game is going to be on that cover,” she says. Draya walks in but quickly walks out. Apparently, Draya didn’t know Brooke would be there. “If I have agreements to work on a closed set, there’s supposed to be no one there but hair and make-up,” Draya says.

And the camera crew that’s following you around to film this stupid reality show right, genius? “Once you gain a certain amount of clout in the industry, you’re allowed to make moves like that,” she says. Draya seems to have gotten herself confused with Naomi Campbell or Cindy Crawford. They have clout.

Draya, you my dear, have issues. You stand around in toddler sized bathing suits drenched in Crisco while some sleazy guy photographs you from behind. No one will know your name two years from now, let alone 20. Now’s not the time to be making demands.

The photographer telephones Draya. “I’m not coming,” she tells him. I sent you an email saying can we reschedule.” “Reschedule for what” he asks. “Like a later time,” Draya says. “Preferably, when no one else is there.” “I don’t have time for all this,” the photographer says. He hangs up.

Brooke takes advantage of Draya’s absence. “At the end of the day, no one wants to work with a diva,” she says. “Draya not being at the photo shoot definitely gave me more shoot time.” Brooke’s voice is so annoying. “I definitely feel like I knocked it out the ball park,” she says as she takes pictures from behind in a tiny bikini while someone pours water onto her breasts. What a trailblazer.

Oh man, a Gloria scene. I’m going to fast forward as much as I can through this one. Gloria meets with her manager, Jeff. I guess he manages her unemployment checks. Jeff tells Gloria that she beat out 200 some women for the role in something stupid.

Is it a movie, a television show? I don’t even know. I’m just trying my best to stay awake at this point. “You’re going to play a hit woman and a ballet dancer,” Jeff says. How is someone who can’t even work one job in real life, supposed to pretend to work two? “You’re getting a role that most new actresses will never get,” he says.

I’m sure Halle is shaking in her boots. “I’m the main chick?” Gloria asks. I have a feeling she got a part as an extra in some type of tennis shoe commercial or something. Like those old Shoe City commercials.

Somewhere in the mountains, Malaysia is pretending to exercise with some girl named Bambi. Bambi looks like either a former or future inmate.

They’re both wearing full faces of make-up and matching Flashdance outfits. “Bambi and I have known each other since we were little girls,” Malaysia says. “She’s my ride or die.”

What happened to Malaysia’s original ride or die, her cousin Ni-Ni? I miss Ni-Ni and ‘em. I admire someone who can fit three hairdos on one head. Malaysia tells Bambi about Gloria’s bootleg cookbook party.

“Why you ain’t bring me a piece?” Bambi asks. “You should’ve brought me. I would’ve crashed that [expletive] if you would’ve told me the address.” Oh my God. Malaysia tells Bambi that she invited Jackie. Bambi pretends that she doesn’t know what happened next. “I don’t even really understand what Laura’s issue with Jackie is,” Bambi says.

“Did she [expletive] her [expletive]? Who cares? That’s what [expletive] do! I be saying [expletive] about [expletive] then I be like ‘Hey Boo.’ I don’t give a [expletive]!”

Um…I’m going to go out on limb here and assume that Bambi also has no job. If she does, I’m sure it’s somewhere where the cash register has pictures on it. Somehow, Malaysia brings the topic of conversation to Brooke. Bambi says she knows her. Well, what she says is, “I know who you talkin’ ‘bout. That [expletive] is a [expletive] hater. “What?” Malaysia says, feigning surprise. “So she knows you?”

Bambi says that she and Brooke have a lot of mutual friends. “She got a problem with me because her dude think I got a lot of shimmer and he likes to buy me presents,” Bambi says.

I have no idea what shimmer is, but whatever Bambi has a lot of, I want none of. “We don’t have no [expletive] issues, but if she want to make one, we can,” Bambi says.

What? So basically, Brooke isn’t a hater and Bambi is just talking out of her neck. Whatever. The End.

Some ignorant previews: Jackie gets a tattoo. Draya teaches Gloria how to strip. Doug and Jackie get married in honor of gay people. I’m not making that up.

M.T. Wiseman is a freelance journalist located in the Washington Metropolitan area. She is a reality show junkie, but draws the line at anything Kardashian related. Follow her on Twitter @mtwiseman

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