At Jackie’s house of horrors, Jackie continues to mourn the absence of her youngest daughter, Chantel.
Chantel wisely escaped from her parents and moved to Washington State, much to Jackie’s dismay. “This’ll be the first birthday she wasn’t home,” Jackie says to Doug. “It’s difficult for me.” “It’s not about you,” Doug says.
“You don’t have to have a broken heart because Chani is everything you taught her to be.” “I want her to be that here,” Jackie says coldly. Run Doug.
You’ve exceeded the amount of words she allows you to speak. Jackie says that she even contacted Verizon to summon her daughter’s phone records, but they would not release them. I can’t imagine why she’d think they would. She turns to Doug and begins to badger him. “You wish she was home as well and it hurts you as well,” she says. I love how she tells people how they are feeling. “No question,” Doug says. “Well how come you don’t tell her?” Jackie asks. “Do you tell her you wish that she comes home?” “No, I don’t tell her that,” Doug says. Has Doug had some type of testicular transplant? He’s said the word ‘no’ in the presence of Jackie more than once today. “I’m going to convince Chani some kind of way that she’s coming home,” Jackie says. I saw a Lifetime movie about this very thing. The mother did everything to keep the daughter at home, including injuring herself and poisoning the girl’s dog. In the end, I think the mother ended up getting on medication. I don’t see that happening with Jackie. I hope Chantel doesn’t have a dog.
Brooke and Malaysia meet for lunch or something. I don’t care. Brooke says that she didn’t feel like she and Malaysia really vibed well. “It’s been kind of awkward,” she says. “I talked to my friend, and she said you guys had a problem,” Malaysia says. Oh my God. Really, Malaysia? Are we in seventh grade or what? Brooke says that she has no problems with Malaysia’s ignorant friend Bambi and that she barely knows her. “So you know who she is, but you don’t have a problem with her,” Malaysia says. “So what is the conflict?” Why don’t you ask your ignorant friend Bambi? “I was talking to a guy and she was talking to the same guy,” Brooke says. Malaysia rolls her eyes. “I don’t never want no girl to ever think that I’m tripping off no guy,” Brooke says. Brooke’s elocution skills are amazing. “If you want to have a problem with me over a guy, you’ve already lost that battle,” she says. Malaysia remains loyal to ignorant Bambi. “You already know the code of the streets,” she says. “That’s my girl. She’s like my sister.” “We can be cordial,” Brooke says. “I don’t care if she likes me or she doesn’t like me. It’s cool with me.”
Well, after watching multiple seasons of Basketball Wives, I have to say that I have learned a lot and I have greatly underestimated the work these women do. The hoochie occupation is a lot tougher than it appears. There are implants to maintain, fake photo shoots to schedule, fake products to endorse, scripted lunches to show up to and all while having school yard fights with other rival professional hoochie technicians. That’s a full-time job and then some. I think they should unionize.
Doug and Jackie go to a restaurant/nightclub named Eleven. We’re supposed to know that Eleven is in a gay neighborhood because there are shots of rainbow flags. The manager of the restaurant, Mirel comes out to greet them. Jackie tells Mirel that she and Doug are getting married for the seventeenth time and this time they want to do it at his restaurant in honor of gay people. I’m amazed that Mirel maintains a straight face. “We really want to do a tribute to the gay and lesbian community,” Jackie says. “We really believe in it and we want to do something special.” I don’t even have the energy to comment on how stupid this is. “You know that Pride’s coming up,” Mirel says. “I know and we love it,” Jackie says. “We went to the parades and we love it!” “Everyone has rights,” Doug says. Everyone except you, buddy. “You’ve got to definitely support everybody.” Support what? I’ve noticed that they’ve never said the words, “gay marriage.” They’re using phrases like, “tribute to gay and lesbian community,” and “in honor of gay people.” I would think that if they’re getting married to draw attention to gay rights, the number one issue on the agenda would be gay marriage, n'est-ce pas? It seems that Jackie and Lurch are doing their best to avoid saying that. “We appreciate that,” Mirel says. “As a gay man.” First of all Mirel, I don’t think gay men would appreciate you talking to the likes of the crazy Christies on their behalf. Secondly, how is this redundant vow renewal of a heterosexual man and woman in any way symbolic of supporting the LGBT community?
“Our seventeenth wedding has the potential to be the wildest and over the top wedding we’ve ever had,” Jackie says. “The gay community knows how to have fun, they know how to party. It’s just going to be out of this world fun.” See, in Jackie’s mind, gay people are fun little circus clowns who party in the street until dawn. So her seventeenth ridiculous wedding has nothing to do with gay marriage, supporting gay rights or standing up for her gay friends or anything related to gay people at all. In her mind, she’s having a party, and gay people are going to be the entertainment because that’s what gay people do. A big old rainbow-colored Cirque de Soleil all for Jackie Christie.
Mirel takes Jackie and her pet on a tour of the restaurant. “With my husband being an athlete and me being a...” Jackie pauses before she completes this sentence because she really doesn’t do anything for a living. “Entertainer, model, designer,” she continues. Ha! “We have a large following and we hope to make noise with this wedding. Just to bring awareness that it’s not right.” What’s not right? “We all should be able to have fun,” Jackie says. What? I don’t think there’s a law on the books that gay people can’t have fun. Something shady is going on. These two are doing their best not to mention gay marriage for some reason. I don't care enough to know why.
Laura and Malaysia meet Draya in a coffee shop that’s desperate enough to have them film there. Draya gives Laura and Malaysia some of her bikini designs. She’s in front of her laptop wearing her smart lady Sarah Palin glasses to let us know she’s a real businesswoman. “So I was thinking that maybe I will see what’s up with Jackie,” Draya says. Laura, a.k.a. Big Mixx says that she’s already met with Jackie. “Surprisingly it went well,” she says. But Big Mixx was disappointed. “Jackie looked weak to me and I ain’t feel like that’s who she is,” she says. “She was just sitting there pathetic and pitiful and I just thought, ‘Damn yo, this is not what I expected.’”
“My job is, I’m going to talk to Jackie and if I see any type of crazy, I’m going to let Gloria know,” Draya says. That’s your job? Really? A stoolie for a smug, entitled, aging groupie? Damn yo. The economy has really taken its toll on the job market. “Crazy people don’t change,” Laura says. This coming from the woman who willingly shacks up with Gilbert Arenas. Bye Big Mixx.
Jackie talks to her daughter Chantel on Skype. “My daughter and I’s relationship has been a little distant,” Jackie says. I wonder if she’s talking about her youngest daughter, oldest daughter or both. “I have decided I’m going to put in my two week notice,” Chantel says. Jackie asks her if she’s coming home. Chantel says that she will until she finds her own place. “You don’t want Douglas to know, nobody to know,” Jackie says. What? Douglas as in Doug Christie, the girl’s father? She’s not allowed to tell him she’s moving back into his house? Doug must hate his life. “You swear you’re not going to change your mind?” Jackie asks. “Once I put in my two weeks here I’m not going to have a choice,” Chantel says solemnly. Jackie asks Chantel to be the maid of honor in her stupid wedding this year. “It’s going to be very special. We have an amazing theme this year,” she says. Let me give you a hint: it’s not gay marriage.
Ugh! I’ve been trying to avoid it, but here I am, watching a Gloria scene. Please speed this up. Draya, a former stripper, gives Gloria a private pole dancing class. Gloria says it’s “research” for her movie role. “I’m an assassin and I have to kill this guy with my legs,” Gloria says. In case you’re wondering, yes I laughed while I typed that. Draya begins the lesson. “We’re just going to start stretching,” she says. “Get to know your pole.” Draya is good. Gloria is not. “That [expletive] was hard Gloria says.” Part two of the lesson is Booty Poppin’ 101. Draya shows Gloria how to pop her booty not only vertically, but horizontally. It’s actually pretty amazing. I didn’t even know it could be done horizontally. Draya pops effortlessly, but Gloria’s not so successful. Her butt just sits there motionless like a sack of potatoes. I think one cheek moved once. “You have to practice it,” Draya says. “It’s a mental thing.” In Gloria’s defense, and believe me, I want to throw up saying that, Draya is making it look a lot easier than it is. I took a booty poppin’ class in Jamaica and it’s a total work out. “Yo, I’m going to give strippers high fives from now on,” Gloria says. Draya corrects her. “You don’t give them high fives,” she says. “You give them 20 dollar bills.” That Draya, a regular Norma Rae for professional hoochie technicians everywhere.
The third part of Strippin’ with Draya is the art of the lap dance. “Lap dancing is going to be harder than I thought it would be,” Gloria says. “That may even be harder than weapons training.” Get off my screen! Draya says that Gloria is “very hot.” “You’d be my girlfriend if you didn’t have a situation,” Draya says. “You’d hit on me?” Gloria asks. Draya says that she already has. “I always tell you you’re like sexy and you know,” she says. “That’s hitting on me?” Gloria asks coyly. “Those are just compliments.” She’s obviously fishing for more. “When you’re ready, I’m here,” Draya says. “Until then, I’ll hit on you from afar.” Whatever, bye.
Jackie is face down in a tattoo shop getting something stupid etched into her skin forever. Draya, dressed like Elly Mae Clampet, walks in and greets her. She asks Jackie about her reaction to Gloria’s cook book party. “I felt good,” Jackie says. “You felt good after that?” Draya asks in disbelief. “Yeah, because we’re like sisters and sisters fight,” Jackie says. Jackie says that she’s curious about how things will work out with Gloria. “I’ve been hanging out with Gloria a lot and she’s a little skeptical but I think she’ll come around,” Draya says. Draya tells Jackie that she should host a get together. “I’ll call everybody and set it up,” Draya says. Have these people ever heard of E-vite? “Draya, the one fighting with everyone is the glue that’s going to bring us back together,” Jackie says. “I went through the mud to drag people out of the mud,” Draya says. Well thank you Harriet Tubman.
Jackie tells Draya that she’s getting a tattoo that represents gay pride. Oh man, this again? “I love the gay lifestyle and community,” Jackie says. “That’s something you didn’t know about me.” Draya looks dumbfounded. “It’s always been something that’s close to our family,” Jackie says. “But it’s a secret. Doug doesn’t know and it’s a tribute to him as well." What? "He’s not gay but we just love gay people." This is so insulting to gay people. She’s talking about a group of people as if they’re a special breed of little dogs. She may as well get a tattoo of a Pekinese and surprise Doug with that. He lives his life as a lap dog anyway.
Draya asks Jackie if she herself is gay. “No,” Jackie says. “But I’ve had experiences,” she says with a big smile on her face. “If I wasn’t with Doug, I’d probably go out with a lot of different people.” Jackie, shut up. My God.
The tattoo artist finishes and lets Jackie up to inspect his work. “I love it!” Jackie says. “It’s gorgeous! He’s going to love it.” Take it from me, it’s hideous! The tattoo is an upside down rainbow triangle with two, tribal marking things on either side of it. “I don’t even know what it means," Draya says. Neither do I. It looks like an upside down food guide pyramid bookended by two big wall sconces. It’s the ugliest thing I’ve ever seen. And now she's got it for life.
Draya meets with her boss, Gloria, to report back on the sanity of Jackie. “She’s getting married again,” Draya says. “No thank you,” Gloria says. I don’t recall you being invited, troll. Draya says that Jackie’s “doing a gay wedding.” “I can see them loving her,” Draya says. “Like the drag queens.” “Yeah because she looks like one,” Gloria says. Ooh, burn. And you look like a gerbil. I’m sure you’re very popular at Petco. “She didn’t say anything negative and malicious,” Draya says. “She wants to be our friend again. Why are we so against that?” Draya asks. “I don’t need that manipulation in my life,” Gloria says. Yeah, she gets enough of that from Matt. Coincidentally, Gloria’s phone rings. She doesn’t answer, but listens to the voicemail. It’s Jackie inviting her to her party. “I’m more pissed she has my new number and she knows where I live!” Gloria says. Get over yourself, gerbil. Draya is annoyed that Jackie didn’t allow her to invite Gloria. “I’m supposed to be trying to get you to come,” she says. “I’m going to piss in her pool.” Great. The end.
Some ignorant previews: Malaysia works on her joo-ree, Draya and Jackie butt heads, Brooke and Draya have a professional hoochie technician conflict.
M.T. Wisemand is a freelance journalist located in the Washington Metropolitan area. She is a reality show junkie, but draws the line at anything Kardashian related. Follow her on Twitter @mtwiseman.
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