Laura and Gloria from Basketball Wives LA. (Cody Bess Photography)

At Jackie’s house of horrors, the hostess is preparing for her pool party. “I stayed up all night getting the party ready,” Jackie says. I suspect Doug stayed up all night getting the party ready. There are framed photographs of each cast member including Jackie’s, set on a table amongst what looks like decorative rocks. It looks like Jackie has created a shrine for Basketball Wives. It’s really creepy. It looks like she’s preparing to put roots on them. Draya and Malaysia are the first to arrive, followed by Laura. Apparently it’s Malaysia’s turn to dress like Ellie Mae Clampett. She’s wearing a fuschia stonewashed denim vest and a pair of white, cut-off denim shorts. I guess she doesn’t plan on swimming unless it’s in a creek or something. Draya asks Jackie why she didn’t allow her to invite Gloria to the party as they had agreed upon. “I told you I would talk to Gloria about it, but you called Gloria. Why?” Draya asks. “Just to ask her,” Jackie says. “But I told you I got it,” Draya says. “I’m a little pissed.” “God, you guys with these periods!” Jackie screams. I guess if you disagree with Jackie, it means you’re on your period. Poor Doug must go through a lot of tampons.

Brooke and Gloria are the last guests to arrive. Gloria is wearing the most unflattering bathing suit I’ve ever seen. It’s a low cut, baggy frock that makes her bosom look like two hastily made fried eggs. I try not to look at anything Brooke wears, because it always feels like I’m looking at something pornographic. They’re both walking down the middle of the street in traffic. A Mercedes rolls up behind them and nearly hits them. Either that, or the driver is leaning out of the window with a $20 dollar bill in hand.

Gloria walks in and gives Jackie a hug. “I was getting cussed out by Draya,” Jackie says. “I don’t think I would’ve come if Draya hadn’t explained to me, like you know,” Gloria says. What? “I appreciate you inviting me,” she says. “I’m down. I like food.” She’s such an obnoxious troll.

Brooke and her implants thank Jackie for inviting them. “Draya, I haven’t seen you since the King shoot,” she says. Gloria asks how the shoot went. “I wasn’t there,” Draya says. Brooke guffaws, knowing that Draya walked out of the photo shoot once she saw that Brooke was there. “Draya works on a closed set,” Draya says, now speaking in third person. “I’m private and they got to respect that,” says the former stripper, thong model and current cast member on a reality show. “JLo don’t be shooting with everybody,” Draya says. “But that’s JLo,” Brooke says. “And I’m Draya, I put myself up there,” Draya says. “That’s how I get the money.” Shoot me. Brooke tells Draya that her abrupt exit from the photo shoot changed the energy on the set. “It was like really awkward,” she says. “I don’t need to be on another magazine,” Draya says. “I’m on two covers right now. I don’t care.” Tell her Draya! That Ivy League education and lucrative career keeps Draya’s bills paid, so take that Brooke! Jackie intervenes. “I have to watch the situation,” she says. “We have new people penetrating the system and I have to find out where they’re coming from.” Penetrating the system? Is she a prison guard? A security systems engineer? Whatever the case, she’s dressed like a fortune teller or roadie for Aerosmith. “You’re the new person penetrating the system,” Gloria says to Jackie. Jackie says that she doesn’t know Brooke very well. “You are just as new as Brooke,” Gloria says.  “Your whole slate has been swiped.” “Ah hell nah!” Jackie says. Yes! I was getting tired of the fake nice persona Jackie’s been putting on this season. Bring on the crazy.

“Do everybody understand that Jackie is not hating anybody?” Jackie asks. Why do these women insist on speaking in third person? “Everybody is sexy in they own way.” Well, do everybody understand that? “Let’s just move on,” Malaysia says. Gloria hands out greeting cards to all the guests from Jackie. I’m not sure why Jackie couldn’t go in the house and get them herself, but okay.  Jackie makes them all read their cards aloud. Draya’s up first. “Hey Draya-Draya,” she reads.  “Thank you girl just for doing you. P.S. We have a lot in common, LOL.” “That is beautiful,” Draya says.  Seriously? “The girls’ reactions to the cards weren’t as big as I was hoping for,” Jackie says.  “Basically, I blame Draya for this.” Yes! Jackie is back to all the way crazy. Maybe this show won’t be as boring anymore.

In another completely manufactured storyline, Malaysia says she wants to do voice over work. “I’m very shy, but I love a challenge,” she says. Whatever. She goes to a studio and meets with some lady named Denise Woods.  Denise has Malaysia perform a series of voice exercises. Malaysia quits before she finishes. This reminds me of that episode of the Cosby Show when Vanessa and her friends wanted to be famous pop stars. Malaysia reads a script for a soup commercial. She’s terrible. I don’t know if she has problems speaking or problems reading. Or maybe it’s both. Whatever the case, Denise Woods stops the bleeding. “Okay, I’m going to stop you darling,” she says. I like Denise Woods. She looks like my cat. “I hate soup,” Malaysia says. Denise Woods tells Malaysia that she’s going to have to practice. “It’s not an overnight success kind of story,” she says. Denise Woods is being very nice in her criticism of this woman who can barely speak English. It’s painful enough to hear Malaysia speak once a week. I can’t imagine listening to her trying to sell me a pack of toilet paper. Now that her husband has been picked up by the Wizards, maybe we’ll see her in one of those awful, but catchy Eastern Motors commercials. Those seem more her speed.

Jackie is modeling at a photo shoot looking tacky as ever. She’s excited to be interviewed by some blogger. “We’re just going to conversate,” she says. Jackie and Malaysia could not have possibly made it to the eighth grade. I refuse to believe it. Laura walks in as Jackie’s being “interviewed.” They both go in the corner to chat. “When you get around the girls please don’t change,” Jackie says. “It feels like some of the girls are changing once they get around each other.  Mainly Draya and mainly Malaysia.” Jackie is an idiot. Draya and Malaysia were always the only ones willing to be nice to her and now she’s throwing them under the bus for Big Mixx. “I want to mentor and show y’all, but at the same time, we’re going to have issues and let’s live,” Jackie says in a rambling soliloquy of crazy. “Jay,” Laura says. “I really appreciate this, but this is so boring.” Shut up, Laura. Seeing Jackie’s crazy is the best part of this stupid show. Nobody wants to watch you cry about Gilbert putting you out on the street for the seventeenth time. “It’s the truth,” Jackie says. “You got to be the same way too.” Laura says she’s always been the same. “You beat the [expletive] out of Malaysia!” Jackie says. Um, no she didn’t. “Who cares?” Laura says. “That’s what I’m saying!” Jackie says. I’ve missed the three faces of Jackie.

Laura meets Malaysia’s ignorant friend, Bambi. Malaysia says she’s not worried about introducing Bambi to the other women because Bambi is “cool, calm and collective,” just like her. Thanks, Malaysia. You never let me down.

Laura tells Bambi that she thinks she’s cute. Bambi approves. “Alright, shimmer that. Shimmer that,” Bambi says. I think I’ve already determined that I hate Bambi. Malaysia tells Laura that she’s known Bambi since they were both teenagers growing up in Compton. “So y’all are like hella close,” Laura says. “That’s what’s up.” “She finish my thoughts,” Malaysia says. I wish she would help her finish her sentences. They are certainly raggedy. Bambi reveals that in addition to being a glammed up hoodlum, she’s also a rapper. “I have a couple of shows. I’ll definitely invite you,” she tells Laura. Laura asks Bambi about her relationship with Brooke. “We kind of know each other through a lot of mutual friends,” Bambi says. “Particularly, one guy who she was dating which I didn’t know. He told me ‘she don’t like you, she can’t stand you.’ She called me, we talked, it wasn’t no issue. It was done. Then after that, I’m hearing she don’t like me and I’m like ‘I don’t like you either.’” Okay, I feel like I’m watching a scene from a really awful John Singleton film. I could swear these three just hopped out of the back of Tupac’s mail truck. “It can potentially get ugly,” Bambi says about her relationship with Brooke. “But I don’t think she want it. She already know what’s cracking. I’ll beat the [expletive] out of Brooke.” Really? I mean really. How old is Bambi? Early 30’s right? Who talks like this at that age? Who talks like this at any age? Granted, the girls I went to high school with who had no futures had similar conversations with each other, but the key word here is girls. These are grown women acting like animated garbage.

Jackie and Draya meet at what looks like the Waffle House. Draya greets Jackie warmly. Jackie, however, is ready to attack. “You said some rude stuff at my party that I didn’t like,” Jackie says. “It hurt my feelings.” “My thing is you went beyond me,” Draya says. Jackie brings up the reception she got at Gloria’s party.  Draya reminds Jackie that Gloria eventually kicked her out of the party. “Oh yeah, I did get kicked out the party,” Jackie says. Hilarious! “So can you just be sorry for your own actions?” Draya asks. “You’re going to ruin my lunch,” Jackie says. “I come and I give you the hospitality to invite you out here.” Hospitality? She attacked Draya as soon as she sat down. “You was crazy and you looked like a little miniature crazy person,” Jackie says. As opposed to the giant super sized crazy person that is Jackie Christie. “No, I didn’t and I don’t right now,” Draya says. “You guys looked like a bunch of childish little girls,” Jackie says. Who is she talking about? “I’m in the car going to a red carpet event in Beverly Hills,” Jackie says. “I’m going to walk with the finest people.” What’s going on here? Is Jackie talking about herself or another personality?  “You’re in denial,” Draya says.

“Guess what?” Jackie says. “I signed my movie deal. I’m going to be doing a movie this year. You guys are meanwhile at the ranch like little chickens giggling and laughing talking about someone that gives a [expletive] less, so really who looks childish and stupid? I’m keeping it moving.” Draya reminds Jackie that if she didn’t care, she wouldn’t have invited them all over to her house. “Oh no, no,” Jackie says. “You got me mixed up. I threw the extravaganza because I like you guys.” I thought they were little giggling ranch chickens. Draya is exasperated. “Someone has got to witness this,” she says. “So you’re going to go back to the girls and tell these hookers that I was saying some weird stuff,” Jackie says. Well there’s a camera that will take care of that, Jackie.

Jackie tells Draya that she’s cute. She then excuses herself, clasps her big man hands and bows her head. “Who was you praying to?” Draya asks. “Jesus!” Jackie says. “What do you believe in?” “Jesus,” Draya says. “I’m just making sure you’re praying to the same God I’m praying to.” Jackie is offended. “I heard that little stuff about being say-tonic,” Jackie says. “I don’t even like talking about it. You know Lazareth is not a friend of mine.” “Who?” Draya asks. Maybe that’s her pet name for Steven Tyler. “Who is the devil, Draya?” Jackie asks. “His name ain’t Lazareth,” Draya says. “There’s all kind of names for him.” Jackie says. Draya has had enough. “I got to go,” she says.  Jackie bids her farewell. “See you later,” she says. “I’m going to sit here and enjoy my salad.” She makes sure to call Draya the b-word before Draya leaves. I don’t think Lazareth would appreciate that kind of language. The end.

Some ignorant previews: Doug looks at strippers and apparently lives to tell it. Gloria and Laura cry. Jackie hits Draya.

M.T. Wisemand is a freelance journalist located in the Washington Metropolitan area. She is a reality show junkie, but draws the line at anything Kardashian related. Follow her on Twitter @mtwiseman.

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