Back at the racetrack, last week’s ignorance returns. There’s a lot of screaming and confusion. Baldheaded Nia, who has just slapped Jennifer, is now screaming at her. “[Expletive] you wanted freedom,” Nia says. “Who you calling a bum [expletive],” Evelyn says to Jennifer. “Are you crazy?” The irony is that Evelyn is asking someone if they’re crazy while she’s the one being carried away by some guy who hates his job.
“She’s a [expletive] bum [expletive] for slapping me in my [expletive] face,” Jennifer says. I’d have to agree with that. “You lived in her [expletive] house,” Evelyn says. “I have my own [expletive] house,” Jennifer says. “You were catching the ferry,” Evelyn says.
This is so stupid. Baldheaded Nia asks Jennifer why she still has Nia’s keys. “What are you talking about,” Jennifer asks. “Get the [expletive] out of here.” Evelyn goes even more ballistic. “Actually, you get the [expletive] out,” she screams. “I got more authority than you [expletive]!” What? Did Evelyn get bumped up to Chief Executive Groupie without my knowledge?
Jennifer sits back down and finishes her wine. “Whatever,” she says. Why is Jennifer still sitting there with these clowns? It’s time to go. “I wasn’t staying at your house, Nia,” Jennifer says. “Maybe a couple of nights.”
“Jenni-Fuh, Jenni-Fuh, Jenni-Fuh when are you going to [expletive] wake up,” Nia asks in a now softer voice. “When?” Ha! This whole thing would be hilarious if it weren’t so pathetic. Jennifer fires back at Baldheaded Nia.
“I guess I can’t sue you because you ain’t got [expletive],” Jennifer says. Ouch! “So what, are you going to sue Evelyn,” Baldheaded Nia asks. “Good, so sue hah!”
Evelyn, who has been brooding in the corner, is now stomping her hooves like a brahma bull. She grabs a bowl or something with flowers in it.
The security guard restrains her. Shaunie stands beside her and like a broken record, says “Ev,” softly, a dozen times. Evelyn’s nostrils have expanded to a never before seen size. I think they’re about the size of an LP now. I fear that this may be the one time that they don’t return to their normal fist size. She recites the exact same threats she gave to Kenya.
“I swear on my baby,” she screams. The security guy restrains her.
“I promise to God, every time I see you, you’re going to get your [expletive] stung.
Evelyn looks absolutely manic. Her make up is smeared all over her face. Foundation is where blush should be. Blush is where an eyelash should be. She looks like a Picasso painting or a very angry clown. I think we finally know whatever happened to Baby Jane.
Jennifer joins the rest of us and laughs at her. “And you giggle because you’re a [expletive] warrior,” Nia says.
I think I may need to issue a correction about Baldheaded Nia. Last week I said she was wearing a crooked wig, but now that I look more closely, I believe that is actually her hair. I’m confused.
Unless someone cuts their hair purposely into an asymmetric, how is one side above the ear, the other side is hanging down below the ear and the bangs look like short little tiny blades of grass? I don’t really understand what’s going on there. Did she wrap it and then sleep in a cereal bowl instead of a head scarf? Why is only one side combed down? She looks like a middle aged man with a comb over. What will she do when the wind blows? Just cut it all off Baldheaded Nia. It’s the right thing to do.
“Why, because you got celebrity [expletive] friends.” Evelyn says to Jennifer. “Is that the real issue here,” Jennifer asks. “Why the [expletive] does that keep coming up?” Evelyn doesn’t answer. “Listen, you’re better than hah?” Evelyn asks Jennifer.
“You’re a [expletive] nasty [expletive] so stop [expletive] fronting,” Nia says. The rest of the Basketball Wives sit around the room looking stunned. Maybe they’re waiting for crazy clown lady and her baldheaded assistant to go nuts on them next.
“You better watch yourself,” Jennifer tells Nia. “Jenni-Fuh, you know I will whip your [expletive] [expletive].” Tami pretends to want peace and tries to interject. Baldheaded Nia cuts her off to yell at Jennifer some more. “You talking all that [expletive] that’s why your [expletive] breath stink. Whose child is this? Someone please come pick her up and comb her hair. She shouldn’t be allowed out in public looking and acting like this. And she’s still wearing those stupid sunglasses.
“This is ridiculous,” Tami says to no one in particular. “What the [expletive] just happened?” No one answers. “I don’t got [expletive] to do with what you and Evelyn have going on,” Nia says to Jennifer. “I don’t got [expletive] to do with it. Then why are you there, bama? “You know what, lets wrap it up,” Shaunie says. I was hoping that meant she’d pull out a paddle brush and head scarf for Nia. She instead, moves a chair. Jen stands up and walks out. Kesha follows her. Once again, I forgot Kesha was there.
I guess wrapping it up only pertained to Jennifer and Kesha because the rest of them are still in the room. Evelyn puts on a Scarlett O’Hara performance complete with fake sobbing. “You don’t do that,” Evelyn says through dry heaves. “Judge a [expletive] because she don’t got the same [expletive] you got!” No tears fall from Evelyn’s eyes. In the hallway, Kesha is struggling to keep up with Jennifer who is high tailing it out of there. “Were you expecting that,” Kesha asks Jennifer. “Like, do you have beef with her?” “Absolutely not,” Jennifer says. Suzie comes running out of the room to join Jennifer and Kesha. Jennifer doesn’t slow down.
Back in the suite, Evelyn is still frothing at the mouth over Jennifer. Her make-up is crazy, her breasts are jiggling everywhere and she’s sitting with her arms crossed. She looks unbalanced. I’ve said this before, but to all of the mothers of Chad’s children, I hope you’re watching this. If she acts this way over a blog that her friend of 12 years wrote, imagine how she’ll act when a child she barely knows accidentally spills something on the carpet that Chad paid for. At least Jennifer is an adult who can defend herself.
“Like how is that okay,” Evelyn asks. How is what okay? You just walked your nasty feet across somebody’s table and acted like a wild animal on national television. How is that okay?
“Because a [expletive] not on your level like you’re better,” Evelyn says. “You’re not better than nobody.” Well I for one know that I’m better than Evelyn. I know how to conjugate verbs in the English language. Evelyn says that she needs a drink, because apparently this is that serious to her. “For a [expletive] to throw that in your face, that’s [expletive] up,” Evelyn says. “
And that’s what bothers me. That’s my [expletive],” she says as she points to Baldheaded Nia. “I don’t give a [expletive] if that [expletive] was living in a Shell-Tuh.” Man, these women have the absolute filthiest mouths. It’s exhausting to recap their conversations. “You got her keys, you was living in her apartment, but you going to say something like that out your mouth,” Evelyn says.
So because someone has the keys to your house, that means that you live with them? I have a key to my mother’s house, but Sandra will be quick to tell you and me that I do not live there. She’s still harassing me about a comb that I stole from her last month.
For some reason, the remaining four women are still standing in the presidential suite talking about Jennifer. I just realized that Shaunie looks absolutely fabulous. She’s wearing a simple sleeveless red dress with red fringe and a pair of gorgeous gold earrings. Very classy.
Unfortunately, her insides don’t match the outside. Maybe she looks so good because she’s standing next to the barefoot, foul-mouthed, heavy breathing she-beast that is Evelyn and her baldheaded, tackily dressed, saggy bosomed toady, Nia.
Tami, Evelyn’s other toady, is surprised by Jennifer’s reaction to being smacked in the face. “When Jen throws out comments like, ‘you’re a bum,’ that part of Jen was a little disturbing to me,” Tami says. “I knew she was bougie, but I didn’t think that she felt she was actually better than the people she’d been around most of her days.”
Um…what? If somebody calls me all kinds of b-words and slaps me in my face, there would be a lot worse things I would say and do than calling them a bum. Jennifer is right to think of herself as better than that.
“She asked me to smack her, so I did,” Nia says. “Yeah, you did,” Shaunie and Tami say. “And she sat there,” Shaunie says. So did you, Shaunie.
“Along with this heifer going over the table,” Shaunie says while pointing to Evelyn. “I didn’t know what to do.” What do you mean you didn’t know what to do? It’s your show! You should’ve gotten her out of there.
“I’m a bum [expletive] because I live in a Harlem woo-alk up,” Nia says. “When your bum [expletive] had to take the [expletive] ferry when your husband had a lock on the account. Oh Nia. So bald, so braless, so insignificant. Jennifer’s estranged husband preventing her from accessing her bank assets does not make her a bum, but smacking someone in their face unprovoked certainly makes you one. A saggy, tacky, baldheaded bum.
I wish you would try that move out here in the real world. See what happens. They drone on and on some more about Jennifer, but I don’t care to type about it anymore.
“I can’t even imagine how you feel Jen,” Kesha says. Suzie asks Jennifer is she’s okay. Jennifer says that she isn’t. “You need to sit down,” Suzie says. “Who cares who my friends are,” Jen says.
“I’ve had the same friends I’ve had since elementary school. [Expletive] get a [expletive] job then come talk to me. Evelyn’s assistant, that’s your aspiration? Get out of here.” Yeah, I agree. An assistant to a professional groupie. That’s not exactly a resume builder. Not really somebody you’d want to be connected to on LinkedIn. “This is depressing,” Suzie says. A montage of all of Jennifer’s assaults plays as Suzie narrates.
“She was hit with a glass by her husband, she was hit with a clutch bag in her head by her best friend now she was smacked in her face. Just keeps getting worse.” Yeah it does. When is this season over already? I’m ready for crazy Jackie Christie and the rest of Basketball Wives L.A.
Jennifer and Kenya meet for “Calamari Sunday brunch.” That doesn’t really sound like it would be all that delicious. Kenya gets right to it. “Somebody actually slapped you,” she asks. Jennifer affirms. “I’m a spokesmodel for my brand,” Jennifer says. “I have to sell my product with my face. So you’re going to have to deal with it in the courts. I don’t fight with my hands. I do what the white people do.”
Shut up Jennifer. “If she’s in the same room with you again, she’s going to hit you or have somebody hit you,” Kenya says to Jennifer. Kenya just may be the smartest member of this ridiculous cast, which really isn’t saying much, but I think she hit the nail on the head. Jennifer’s lawyer notified all the members of the cast that if any one of them caused Jennifer physical harm, they would face litigation.
Baldheaded Nia, who is not a member of the cast, just magically appeared at the race track and slapped Jennifer in her face. Am I supposed to believe that was a coincidence? That had nothing to do with some keys.
Jennifer laments about her broken friendship with Evelyn. “I’ve known this girl for 12 years,” she says. “We got baptized together. She was in my wedding. I was there for her with her two breakups. It’s just unfortunate.” “It sounds like we’re going through similar situations,” Kenya says. “You’ve been kind to me and I appreciate that. We’re grown women and we’re having problems with the same person.”
Evelyn and Tami are walking barefoot on the boardwalk. “How crazy was that [expletive] at the race track,” Evelyn says. “Oh my God,” Tami says. They laugh and joke about Baldheaded Nia slapping Jennifer in her face. “I have a little souvenir,” Tami says. In an interview, she holds up the earring that Jennifer lost when she was hit. “Jen, I have your earring,” she says. “Call me.” How cute.
Evelyn shows Tami the bruise she got from leaping off of the table in the presidential suite. “Do you think you’ll ever be friends,” Tami asks. “No, I can’t stand her [expletive],” Evelyn says. These two have got to be the world’s oldest sixth graders. Evelyn invites Tami to her photo shoot for her book. “I would love to come,” Tami says. It’s funny how Tami can laugh and joke with the woman who admitted to sleeping with her husband while they were married. That’s sad.
Tami comes by while Evelyn is in the make-up chair. I’m confused because I thought she just got her make-up done and took pictures. Get it together, editors. “You excited,” Tami asks. “I’m super excited,” Evelyn says. I’m sorry to tell y’all this, but Baldheaded Nia is there. We just can’t get rid of her. Tami tells Evelyn that she received the police report that Jennifer filed against Nia. She reads it from her phone. “Jennifer Williams was struck by a black adult female,” Tami reads.
“You a black adult female,” she says to Nia mockingly. “Right, I’m mixed though,” Nia says. Oh my God, please! Why is she on my screen? This girl, I swear. I can’t say I hate her because I’ve never met her, but I really, really dislike her. She just might be my most disliked television character in history.
Worse than Jo Polniaczek, J.R. Ewing and Penny Woods’ abusive biological mother combined. I never want to see this woman or her bald spots ever again. She’s the pits. Tami gives her opinion on the police report. “Where I come from, okay you slap me, either we going to brawl or we not,” Tami says. “But you’re going to leave it alone. You’re not going to do anything.” Has it ever been established where Tami is from anyway? I just assumed that she travels with the circus.
And the funny thing is, she threatened Evelyn with a lawsuit not too long ago over some t-shirts. Her whole ridiculous logic is flawed. If she’s implying that people from the “hood” don’t call the police when they’re assaulted, she’s lying. I watch enough Judge Mathis to know that isn’t the least bit true.
Evelyn meets with Kesha and Suzie. They rehash the assault on Jennifer. “Evelyn, you told me you could go from zero to 60 like that, but it was crazy,” Kesha says. Evelyn doesn’t seem to grasp the comment. “For you to attack someone and say you don’t have nothing because you live in a two-bedroom apartment,” Evelyn says. “I would never go there with someone.” “Don’t you have the right to say whatever you want once someone smacks you in the face,” Kesha asks. For real. Somebody finally states the obvious. In an interview, Suzie says that Kesha needs to tread lightly and stay in her place before Evelyn turns on her.
“I haven’t spoken to you since the whole Keyna thing,” Kesha says. “I’m scared for you. What if you would’ve hit Kenya in the head?” Evelyn says that she would be in jail. “I think Kesha thinks I’m nuts,” Evelyn says in an interview. “[Expletive], why do you care? I’m not being crazy with you.
You’re actually on my side right now,” she continues. I can see why this woman has no friends. She’s absolutely horrible. Evelyn switches gears. “I spoke to Shaunie and Tami and all of us going on a trip to Tahiti,” she says. “I’m really excited to go on this trip,” Suzie says. “I think Evelyn wants Jen to go on this trip so she can have someone to torture.” Suzie where are your children? Suzie gives Evelyn a vibrator as a birthday gift. “It’ll be a stress reliever so maybe you won’t be throwing bottles of wine,” Suzie says. “I don’t know if that’s going to help,” Evelyn says. Sad.
Kesha, Royce and Suzie meet at Dave and Busters. Royce tells Suzie to behave in front of Dezmon. “Please watch your mouth,” Royce says. Why invite her if you know she’s going to get sloppy? Dezmon walks in with a group of people who Royce refers to as her friends. That doesn’t make sense to me, but okay.
“My first impression of Dezmon is he’s hot chocolate,” Suzie says. “He’s definitely not over 25.”
Evelyn, Shaunie and Tami get manicures and pedicures at some place for Evelyn’s birthday. Shaunie and Tami both say they can’t make it to Evelyn’s birthday party. Some woman named Courtney who Evelyn refers to as her “branding manager” joins them. “Just get ready for a night of fun,” Courtney says to Evelyn. “We’ve got to get you changed. This is part one.” Courtney puts Evelyn in some expensive car that I’m too broke to recognize. Courtney walks Evelyn into someone’s house blindfolded. I wonder if someone will hand her a cigarette and take her order for her last meal.
Alas, Courtney takes the blindfold off and there’s a bunch of women in shirts and fishnet pantyhose that scream “Surprise!” “I see all of my girlfriends,” Evelyn says. “I’m super excited.” I’ll bet that most of these women aren’t even friends with this woman. I only recognize Suzie. Oh man. I’m sorry y’all.
Baldheaded Nia is there again. I think she’s wearing a wig. Maybe if I pretend she’s not there, she’ll go away. Courtney has Evelyn change into a black cat suit. A stripper comes out and works the pole. Suzie follows. I’ve seen more of Suzie than I care to comment on.
A cute woman with a Halle Berry haircut tells Evelyn that there’s an unannounced guest at the door and that Evelyn needs to open the door. This woman looks too normal to be friends with Evelyn. So does Courtney. They must be hired actresses. Evelyn looks nervous. I think she thinks the repo man or somebody serving her papers is on the other side of the door.
When she finally opens it, there’s a gorgeous, white Maserati parked outside. “It’s my birthday gift,” she shouts. “Yaaaaa!” Evelyn cries and thanks her “friends.” “This is a [expletive] sexy 36,” Nia says as she stands inside the driver side door.
First of all, why are you and your baldness near the car? Secondly, 36 my behind. In dog years maybe. Evelyn looks every bit of her 57 years. “I’m very grateful just for having great friends,” Evelyn says. “I value all friendships and I try to be as loyal as possible. I hope that I’m as good of a friend as you are to me.” Isn’t this the same speech she gave at Shaunie’s birthday dinner? “Happy Birthday Boo,” Nia says. Shut up.
Some Ignorant Previews: More fallout from the assault on Jennifer. Chad is back for more camera time. My favorite cast member, Royce’s daddy is back and Royce screams at him while carrying a small dog in her arms. Classic. Until next week…The End.
M.T. Wiseman is a freelance journalist located in the Washington Metropolitan area. She is a reality show junkie, but draws the line at anything Kardashian related. Follow her on Twitter @mtwiseman .
Read more on The Root DC