On this episode of “Basketball Wives,” the women travel to Tahiti. I’m sorry, Tahiti. You don’t deserve this.
Tami goes to her likely court-ordered anger management session. “I have to tell you that I’m proud of myself,” she says to her counselor. “I’ve been playing peacemaker.” I must have missed that episode. “I take it there have been some instances when this has not gone well,” the counselor says.
Tami tells the counselor some convoluted story about her confrontation with Kesha. “She didn’t look African American to me,” Tami says. Well, what a coincidence. Tami doesn’t look human to me.
“She left that conversation and said I was a racist,” she says. Wow, talk about revisionist history. Tami should write textbooks for the state of Texas. The way I remember it, Tami asked Kesha upon two seconds after meeting her, “Are you white? You sound white.” Then after Kesha stupidly confided in Evelyn about her introduction to Tami, Tami called Kesha a series of expletives at dinner. Tami claims she is not proud of how she behaved but congratulates herself for not physically assaulting Kesha.
“I would’ve liked to have been calmer,” she says. “Even in that moment, I was thinking, ‘Tami, do not hit this girl.’ ” Is this woman seriously giving herself a pat on the back for not physically assaulting someone who has done nothing to her? Tami says that she is not a bully and that her inability to communicate with Kesha was actually Kesha’s fault. “[Kesha] is the type of person that shuts down, so nothing was accomplished,” Tami says. Actually, Kesha is the type of person who won’t stoop to Tami’s level, which frustrates Tami. Someone with her level of intelligence is unable to counter Kesha’s response, so she resorts to threats and violence.
“Take one instance at a time and try to learn from it,” the counselor says as Royce and her dad have what I’m assuming is lunch. “I’m hoping my dad and Dezmon can see eye to eye,” Royce says. “I’m still daddy’s girl and I’m Dezmon’s woman.” Barf. I guess the producers give Dezmon the go-ahead to walk into this scripted scene. He sits at the table with Royce and her father.
“Dezmon, talk to me, man,” her dad says. “What’s happening with you and Royce? Sometimes I see her as needy.” “What are you talking about?” Royce asks her father. She turns to Dezmon. “So you think I’m around you too much,” she asks. Royce looks confident that Dezmon will side with her. “A little bit … yeah,” Dezmon says softly. Ha! Pick your face up, Royce. She gets angry. “I’m learning a lot,” Royce says sarcastically. “This is awesome.” Her father sighs. “Oh God,” he says. “Please don’t do this.” This poor man.
“I’mma go back to being all about Royce,” Royce says. Too late for that, Royce. You have a kid. “What is that supposed to be, a threat?” her dad asks. “It was a promise,” Royce says in an interview. Of course she wouldn’t dare say it in her father’s face. Royce stares off into space with that dumb smirk on her face.
“All about me,” she says.
“Wow,” her dad says. “We are speaking English, right?”
Royce throws a tantrum and leaves the table. “They’re going to see me not being needy,” she says.
This is hilarious. Royce has been watching too many “very special” episodes of ’80s sitcoms where Webster or Arnold Drummond run away from home to make their parents feel guilty. That only works for 9-year-olds, Royce. Well, some 9-year-olds. I tried that tactic with Sandra and it had some dire consequences for my 9-year-old behind. Dezmon leaves the table to talk to Royce, who is now crying on the phone to someone. It’s probably her voicemail or 411.
She hurriedly hangs up the phone and whines to Dezmon about what just happened. “I give every piece of my heart to you,” Royce says. “Why would you wait to say it in front of my dad?”
“At times, yes, I felt overly crowded,” Dezmon says.
“Then say that,” Royce says. I think he just did, genius.
“It seems like every other sentence or word hurts your feelings,” Dezmon says.
“Because it’s the way you say things,” Royce says. Dezmon tells Royce that he never meant to be negative. “That’s how it comes off, Dezmon,” Royce says.
She’s doing that fake sobbing and whining thing that she did with her father. Speaking of Royce’s dad, he hasn’t moved from his chair and is continuing with his lunch in peace. He sighs and shakes his head as he chows down. “Oh God,” he says. I love this old man. Royce isn’t finished browbeating Dezmon just yet. “You wait to say stuff in front of my dad,” she says. “You already see how my dad feels about me and it sucks.”
Poor Royce. She has a caring, loving and supportive father in her life who discourages her from making idiotic choices. I weep for her. I just want somebody to be proud of me,” she says. Royce, a bit of advice. If you want someone to be proud of you, start doing something that would make them proud. Parading around in your bra and panties for multiple men on a horrible reality show is not exactly what most parents wish for their children. Grow up, fool.
At Chad’s Superfreak Palace, he and Evelyn lie in bed. Evelyn has on a full face of cake makeup. Chad is very ashy. They proceed to have the most inane conversation in the history of broadcast television. There’s something about baggage and Evelyn’s vagina. I refuse to give this conversation the time of day. I’m sorry. Moving on.
It’s time for the women’s annual desecration of a foreign country. This time, it’s Tahiti. Wisely, Jennifer, Kenya and Royce do not join them. “I’m really not sure what that means at this point,” Shaunie says. “I really don’t care.” Yes, you do. The women take a van from the airport. The ogre triumvirate of Evelyn, Shaunie and Tami are seated together in the back. Kesha and Suzie are seated in front of them.
Kesha has a minor cough that she can’t shake. I can sympathize. I almost always have a nagging cough after flying on an airplane. It sucks. Tami doesn’t appreciate the manner in which Kesha chooses to cough. “You keep coughing out and I don’t like that,” Tami says. Kesha, like many people, had the audacity to ball her hand up into a fist and cough into the fist. “I ain’t see no hand,” Tami says. “That’s a big deal to me.”
Kesha tells Tami that she is covering her mouth when she coughs. “This is not covering it though,” Tami says as she makes a fist in front of her mouth. “All this spreading out sideways.”Evelyn and Shaunie find this display of middle school behavior hilarious and are yukking it up in the back of the van. In an interview, Tami says she sees nothing wrong with how she’s treating Kesha. “I’m still being cordial,” she says. “So in my book everything’s going along smoothly.” I can’t stand this troll. I wish Royce’s daddy was in that van.
Although she’s thousands of miles away, Jennifer is still the topic of conversation. “It’s kind of weird not having Jen in this moment,” Tami says. Right now Jen would be telling us where she’s been.” So what? Maybe you could learn something. “Are there still cannibals here?” Suzie asks. I really wish Suzie would shut up. She’s totally the Screech of this crew. “I’m going to send Kenya to the cannibals,” she says. I know I’m not the only one sitting at home wanting to punch my television.
Once the van drops them off, the women hop on a ferry that will take them to their hotel. I’m thinking the van driver was supposed to take them to the hotel, but couldn’t stand to be near any of them anymore. Evelyn and Tami are seated in the front this time with a seat between them. “Kesha, you want to sit up here?” Evelyn asks. “No my purse is right here,” Tami says coldly. Kesha remains seated behind them. We see shots of Tahiti. It’s really beautiful. “I feel like we’ve arrived in paradise,” Shaunie says.
I just noticed that Shaunie is wearing a very unflattering weave or wig from the Aunt Esther collection. It looks like it comes from one of those old Gold Medal wig catalogs. Her wig looks like it should be called “The Mabel” or “The Eunice.” Tami is impressed with the scenery. “I feel like I’m going to Fantasy Island and Tattoo is going be on the other side,” she says. Tami, much like your hairstyle, Tattoo has been dead for 20 years.
A delegation of people greets the women as they arrive at their hotel. “It was fun and festive and we felt extremely welcome,” Shaunie says. The greeters follow them down the stairs. “I hope they don’t eat us,” Suzie says. You know what I hope? I hope one of those people has planted something illegal in Suzie and Tami’s luggage and they end up in some Tahitian version of Brokedown Palace. I’m going to pray for that right now. I’ll be back.
Kesha thanks Shaunie for inviting her on the trip. That’s kind of weird to me. It’s like a baby seal thanking a shark for inviting him out to dinner with all the shark’s pals. “We’re happy you’re here,” Evelyn says to Kesha. Never one to miss an opportunity to instigate, Evelyn looks at Tami. “Does anybody else want to say anything?” Evelyn asks. “I miss Royce,” Tami says. “Cheers to Royce,” Suzie says. Evelyn doesn’t toast to Royce and instead leaves the room, muttering something about using the bathroom and pulling her wedgie out. I’m not making that up.
Later, the women have dinner. I kid you not. Evelyn, Suzie and Tami conspire about how to put dead fish in Kenya’s room before she arrives. Shaunie and her Mabel wig laugh because this is apparently funny and not the least bit sad. “Stuff it in her bag,” Evelyn says. “We’ve got to put it under her bed,” Suzie says. “It has to be here before she gets here,” Tami says. “What if she moves to another room?” Shaunie asks. No, of course someone would stay in a room that reeks of dead fish. Brilliant idea, girls.
“Not if she bunks with Frack,” Tami says. “Frack” is apparently another name for Jennifer because they can’t seem to keep the name Jennifer out of their mouths. Evelyn goes on another misplaced pronoun verbal assault of Jennifer although Jennifer is nowhere near Tahiti. “My thing is stop running your [expletive] mouth, then,” Evelyn says. “Stop talking all tough and making comments.” She should say this in front of the mirror every day. “Were you friends with Jen before, Shaunie?” Kesha asks.
Shaunie tells Kesha that she met Jennifer through Evelyn. “She should thank me for her whole life right now,” Evelyn says. Yes, Evelyn should be placed somewhere above God and Jennifer’s parents. That’s how important she is. “It’s like you got your [expletive] kicked, keep it moving,” Tami adds. “You a snitch! Whenever you bring the police into it, lawyers, that puts me in an awkward position.” Yes, and that position is called jail. A place where both Evelyn and Tami should be.
The women take a boat to go swim with the sharks and stingrays. In the meantime, pathetic Suzie wastes no time reporting to her superior ogres. “Jen sent me a text yesterday saying she’s definitely coming and she’s bringing Kenya,” Suzie says. Dude, when I go on vacation, especially to an island paradise, my phone is on airplane mode. Why is Suzie so pressed? We know she’s not leaving her phone on for her kids.
Kesha and Suzie decide to swim with the sharks while the triumvirate of ogres stays on the boat. The water is full of sharks and sting rays. Kesha gets in thigh deep and begins to have second thoughts. “I think I’m going to change my mind,” she says. “No [expletive],” Tami says. “You don’t get to change your mind.” I hate this Fraggle. I really do. She’s not even cool enough to be a Fraggle, but if she were, she’d be the original Trash Heap. What a horrible person. “I think Kesha backpedaling and not wanting to get in, annoyed the girls,” Suzie says.
Kesha eventually gets in the water with Suzie. The triumvirate of ogres takes pictures and video of them from the boat. A group of sharks and stingrays surround Kesha and Suzie. One comes up out of the water and looks like it sucks Suzie’s face. It’s all pretty scary looking and doesn’t look fun at all. “Don’t panic,” Tami says. “There’s like six or seven behind you.” Sure, that won’t make them panic. Suzie says swimming with the sharks and stingrays was fun. “I’m pretty much down for anything,” she says. “I don’t like drama and fighting.” I beg to disagree. Suzie loves drama and fighting just as long as she’s not on the receiving end of it.
After the shark excursion, the women gather at the bar and have shots of alcohol. “I know this is against my better judgment,” Tami says in an interview. “We’re all on an island. So I decide to indulge. Kesha asks Evelyn and Shaunie how they met. “Miami,” Shaunie says. Evelyn’s former boyfriend and Shaunie’s ex-husband, Shaquille, were teammates. “Won a little championship together,” Shaunie says. Kesha asks whether the wives and girlfriends get championship rings as well. Shaunie says she has four.
The banter between the three women is surprisingly congenial. This angers the Trash Heap, who has been sitting silently next to Kesha. “I’m sorry, I feel like you being interviewed for some [expletive] talk show,” Tami says to Shaunie. “Tasmanian Tami comes out of the woodwork,” Shaunie says. “It’s the alcohol. Look at her eyes.” So, instead of telling Tami to go sit her drunk behind down somewhere, Shaunie acts like Tami’s nastiness toward Kesha is some sort of benign harassment from a loveable street corner drunk. “I’mma talk to you in a nice, even tone,” Tami says to Kesha.
Her tone is even, but it surely isn’t nice. “She doesn’t understand the world that I come from,” Tami says. Neither do I. “I don’t operate on the terms of backstabbing,” she says. “I’m a very stand-up person.” That’s hilarious. She now addresses Kesha directly. “It has been brought to my attention that you were going to go off on me but you didn’t want to embarrass me,” Tami says. We see a flashback of Kesha telling Royce and Suzie that she could’ve gone off on Tami, but didn’t want to embarrass her more than Tami was already embarrassing herself. “I’m not the [expletive] that you want to start with,” Tami says.
Kesha asks Tami where she heard that from. “It don’t matter,” Tami screams. “Respect me and the position I have in this particular situation.” What position is that? Just a couple of seasons ago, she was Evelyn’s laughing stock. “You wanted to go off on me [expletive], here’s your [expletive] chance,” Tami says.
“I’m not sure where you got that information from,” Kesha says. “From your [expletive] mouth,” Tami screams. “I don’t even hear what’s coming out of her mouth,” Kesha says in an interview. “I just look at her like the fool she is.” If this show survives another season, I hope the girls’ next trip is to outer space. Maybe some Martian will suck the oxygen out of Tami’s space helmet.
Some ignorant previews: Tami steals Kesha’s purse. Kesha calls security on her. Ha! Please let this be a sequel to “Brokedown Palace.”
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