On this episode of Basketball Wives, Jennifer and Kenya arrive in Tahiti, Tami continues to bully Kesha and Evelyn and Shaunie pretend to care.

From left,Jennifer Williams, Royce Reed, Erikka Moxam, Shaunie O'Neal, Evelyn Lozada, Suzie Ketchem and Gloria Govan pose together to promote their reality series, "Basketball Wives," airing on VH1. (Presscott McDonald/ASSOCIATED PRESS)

Evelyn, Shaunie and Suzie sit at the table in silence. “You didn’t tell Royce and this [expletive] (pointing to Suzie) that you were going to go off on me?” Tami asks Kesha. Kesha reiterates to Tami that she hasn’t said anything about her. Tami won’t accept that answer. “I’m giving you ample time to say what the [expletive] you want to say,” Tami says.

The combination of her jailhouse tattoos and Joe Pesci-like gesticulations make Tami look like she’s auditioning for a bit part as a prisoner for an episode of Scared Straight. Her character’s name should be Buster McBadweave. Kesha removes herself from the table and walks several feet away, but leaves her purse in her chair. “[Tami] is one of the scariest people I’ve ever met and one of the saddest people I’ve ever met,” Kesha says in an interview. I agree with her on the latter, but Tami is not the least bit scary.

The loudest, toughest-talking people are usually the ones who sell the most wolf tickets. It’s the quiet ones to look out for. Jeffrey Dahmer never walked around foreign countries, pointing his fingers in people’s faces and bragging on how he wasn’t the b-word to mess with. He was a lot scarier than Tami could ever be.

“[Expletive] you ain’t going to get your purse until you come the [expletive] over here,” Tami says. “I don’t respect you and that’s why I’m calling you a [expletive]! You don’t want to [expletive] with me!” “I don’t want to fight you,” Kesha says. “I’m surprised you ain’t treaded water and ran all the way back to Miami,” Tami says.

Clearly there’s an imbalance in this woman’s brain,” Kesha says in an interview. Yeah, clearly. Tami turns to Evelyn and Shaunie. “Can you believe that [expletive]?” she asks. “You all in that [expletive] corner,” Tami says to Evelyn. Well, well, well. There it is. Tami is territorial over her status as third in command under Shaunie’s reign over Groupieville, USA.

It’s obvious that she’s jealous of Kesha’s developing relationship with Evelyn and Shaunie and she wants to force Kesha out. I’ve seen this on Animal Kingdom. “I think [Kesha] made a mistake by telling that to you and Royce,” Shaunie says to Suzie. It sure was a mistake. Suzie is a pathetic, lisping tattle tale. Kesha innocently told her version of the night she was verbally attacked by Tami. Suzie turned what Kesha said to her into something that she knew would rile up old Trash Heap Tami. She got exactly what she wanted. Actually, so did Shaunie.

The women, minus Kesha, leave the bar and pile in the van. On the way back to the hotel, Tami is making more of a fool of herself. Not only does she have Kesha’s purse, she also has her sunglasses. Tami puts the sunglasses on and begins rifling through Kesha’s belongings. She pulls out Kesha’s cell phone. “You got to be the only person in the world without a password,” Tami says.

She turns to Shaunie. “Was I wrong Shaunie?” Tami asks. Shaunie tells her no. Unbelievable. “In her defense, you was going to pop her either way,” Shaunie says. I can’t believe I’m watching this. Tami turns to Suzie who has been completely silent and sitting in the back of the van like some frightened, guilty squirrel.  “You did the right thing, Suzie,” Tami says. “You were supposed to tell the [expletive] truth.”

And now, the case is closed. It was Suzie who ran her mouth. Not that it was that much of a surprise. Tami goes on this really bizarre rant. She’s slurring all over the place. I can’t make sense of it. “Don’t make me your test tube baby,” she says. You want to talk, [expletive]? Tell that [expletive] to my face.” What the hell is wrong with this woman? This is beyond alcohol. Test tube baby? Kesha wants to make Tami her test tube baby? Tami is seriously disturbed. “When you’re still talking behind my back, that bothers me,” Tami says.

Isn’t that what Tami is doing right now? So in Tami’s world, she can say whatever she wants about anybody, but no one else can even mention her name. I’ve said plenty about Tami. Is she going to come to my house and steal my purse? Because if I were Kesha, there would be absolutely no way that crazy woman would’ve gotten on that van with my purse.

I know that Tami probably outweighs Kesha by at least a hundred pounds and is about a foot taller than she is, so I can understand why Kesha wanted to avoid a physical confrontation. It would be like fighting a man, but Tami would not be walking away with my purse without a fight. There’s no way. Tami tells the other women that she will return Kesha’s purse to her once Kesha apologizes to her. “Boom [expletive]!”

You know, assuming Tami suffers from mental illness is insulting to the millions of people who actually do. I believe that either Tami took something of the pharmaceutical nature, or someone must’ve slipped something into her drink. This is not rational behavior even for Old Yeller after he got rabies. There’s clearly something wrong with this woman and it’s not organic.

When they arrive at the hotel, the women devise a plan to litter Kenya’s room with dead fish. Seriously. Tami walks to the front desk and tells the attendant that her name is actually Kenya Bell and that she was given the wrong room key. The woman gives Tami a key to Kenya’s room. They all walk into Kenya’s room and scout areas where they can place the fish. They decide to delay their plan so that the housekeeping staff won’t clean the room before Kenya arrives. This is so stupid.

“Yeah, I think that’s a great idea,” Evelyn says. “I haven’t done anything like this since I was like 17,” Suzie says. Shut up. These are women in their 30’s and 40’s, planning how to put dead fish in another grown woman’s room. If you’ve stopped watching by now, I completely understand. Unfortunately, I’ll be here all season.

Kesha has arrived back at the hotel and is taking refuge in her room. She is upset that Tami is still in possession of her purse. “At that point I didn’t know if she was throwing it in the ocean, going through my phone, ripping up my passport,” Kesha says. Well, you got one of those right. Suzie goes to Kesha’s room. Kesha let’s her in and immediately asks Suzie to help her retrieve her purse from Tami. Instead, Suzie tries to convince Kesha to apologize to Tami. “I feel like if you just go to her,” Suzie says. “No, I want my bag,” Kesha says. “I don’t think you’re getting your bag,” Suzie says.

Suzie goes back to Tami’s room. Evelyn and Shaunie are both in the room as well. Suzie tells Tami that Kesha wants her purse back. “Kesha’s a mess,” Suzie says. “Crying and everything.” “She can come get it,” Tami says. “She’s 30 some odd years old and she’s still acting like a child.”

Now I know for sure that Tami is on something. She was the same person who was just screaming at another woman for no reason, steals the woman’s purse, goes through her things, then helps to vandalize another woman’s room all in one day. Yet, Kesha is the one acting like a child? Kesha walks to the front desk to report her purse stolen. Suzie catches up to her. “I think Kesha is being absolutely stupid by calling the cops,” Suzie says. Kesha doesn’t know what room Tami is staying in.

She pleads with Suzie. “Please tell me the room number,” Kesha says. Suzie stares at her. “I want my bag,” Kesha says. “I just want my bag!” “You want to come with me?” Suzie asks Kesha. Suzie is an idiot. Kesha refuses and tells Suzie again that she wants her purse back immediately. “I don’t want to be in the middle of this,” Suzie says. You’re already in the middle of this, Suzie. Had you not played run tell dat in the first place, maybe Kesha would have her purse.

True to form, Suzie plays run tell dat once again. She goes back to Tami’s room and tells Tami that Kesha has reported her purse stolen. “You going to give it to her,” Shaunie asks Tami. Are you kidding me? Shaunie is the executive producer of this filthy show. She is the boss of all these women yet she’s asking this brute whether or not she’ll return a piece of stolen property. She could’ve put a stop to this foolishness as soon as Tami opened her mouth.

They all walk over to Kesha’s room. Tami screams at Kesha from outside. “Kesha I heard you went to the authorities because you want something from me!” she says. She bangs on Kesha’s door with her fist. “Open the door [expletive]!” Kesha doesn’t open the door. Tami walks away. “You let me know what the [expletive] happens,” she says to no one in particular.

Kesha opens the door. Evelyn and Shaunie walk in. Kesha is crying hysterically. “Calm down,” Evelyn says. “You know, those things were said and they did come to her.” So what? All Kesha did was tell two people who she thought were her friends that she didn’t act a fool when someone else was acting the fool with her. How is she even remotely in the wrong?

“Now she has your bag,” Shaunie says. “So what is your solution?” Oh my God. I feel like I’m watching some lost footage of The Twilight Zone. Tami, who by now is probably fearful that she’s going to jail or that she’ll lose Evelyn and Shaunie, is back at Kesha’s door. Shaunie opens it. “At that point, I was ready for whatever she was about to give me,” Kesha says.

Tami saunters in with Kesha’s purse on her shoulder. “The fact that you was going to go up there and report your purse stolen is the reason I don’t respect you,” Tami says. “You should’ve been thankful I picked up your [expletive] purse. I didn’t steal your [expletive] purse. You walked away. I will never ever respect you because you didn’t even have the decency to come over and apologize. The reason why I’m not going to hit you is because you look so helpless now.”

I wish that just for one moment, Kesha and I could simultaneously place our hands on some exotic Tahitian tiki idol that will send lightning through the sky and in an instant, she’ll be transported to my living room sofa and I’ll be sent to her room in Tahiti. Tami would never be the same. “Here!,” Tami grunts as she takes the purse off her shoulder. Kesha reaches out for it, but Tami pulls the purse back. “Did you ask for it?” Tami asks.

Come on Freaky Friday, make my dreams come true! “Can I please have my purse back?” Kesha asks. Tami shoves the purse at her and leaves the room. Kesha cries. “Kesha to me looks like a little girl that has been battered,” Evelyn says. “That’s one of the things that really bothered me.” If that were the case, Evelyn, why didn’t you help her? Most people wouldn’t just sit there like an idiot if they saw a child being battered. Even if Tami were my friend, which would never happen, I would’ve said, “You’re acting like an idiot. Give this girl her purse back.” “She just put herself in a bad situation,” Evelyn says about Kesha. I agree.

Kesha put herself in a horrible situation by signing up for this show. Kesha says she’s leaving Tahiti. “In the end we gave Kesha a hug and told her she should stay,” Shaunie says. Gee, that’s convincing. “Seeing me like that made them realize it was taken a little too far,” Kesha says. Is Kesha delusional? Did she not just witness these women sitting around doing nothing while that behemoth humiliated her?

Evelyn and Shaunie meet Tami at the pool. “Evelyn and I are heavily concerned about Kesha,” Shaunie says. I just laughed really loud at that one. Everybody is not going to say [expletive] the way Kesha likes it,” Tami says. Right. People are only allowed to say things the way Tami likes it. “I told her to stay, but she’s very scared of you,” Shaunie says. Tami looks pleased. “I don’t give a [expletive] about Kesha,” Tami says. “Just grow a backbone.”

The women, minus Kesha and Tami prepare to go swim with the dolphins. I’m disappointed that Tami won’t be joining them. I was hoping she’d piss the dolphin off and he’d show her how they really get down in his hood. The women are still discussing Kesha and Tami.  “We did feel so bad,” Shaunie says. “But the day must go on!” How compassionate.  They swim with an adorable dolphin named Koa. Hopefully Koa will be bitten by a demonic bat and really go to town. Unfortunately he wasn’t. Evelyn asks Koa’s trainer for some of Koa’s fish. The trainer looks confused but gives Evelyn a bag of it.

They go to Kenya’s room and place dead fish everywhere including the bed and the coffee pot. “That is just nasty,” Shaunie says as she laughs. “It’s just a joke,” Suzie says.

Kesha meets the trolls, minus Tami on the beach and tells them she’s going home. Good for her. The trolls half-heartedly ask her to stay, but she refuses. Shaunie attributes Tami’s behavior to the shot of alcohol. “I’ve seen Tami act like a fool when she was completely sober,” Kesha says.

Tami and her beer gut sit out on a pier and stare longingly at the horizon. I guess I’m supposed to believe she’s remorseful.  “I felt really bad the way things went,” she says.  “I’m still working on some things. I’m hoping she’ll understand. I don’t really know.” Please fire this woman. Send her back to whatever fast food restaurant drive thru she was employed at before. Kesha says that the trip to Tahiti was a waste of her time. “It did open my eyes to the type of person Tami is,” she says.

While Evelyn, Shaunie and Tami go to dinner, Suzie stays behind at the pool to meet Jennifer. “I might have dinner with her,” Suzie says. “You enjoy your dinn-ah,” Evelyn says. “The circle is no longer an “O,” Shaunie says. “It’s an “L.” This show is an “L.”

Jen and Kenya arrive. Kenya says they spent a lot of time discussing what may happen on the island. “I think [Jennifer] might be a little nervous because she knows Evelyn is in the vicinity,” Kenya says.

Some ignorant previews: Jennifer hates Evelyn. Evelyn hates Jennifer. They potentially have a conversation. The End.

M.T. Wiseman is a freelance journalist located in the Washington Metropolitan area. She is a reality sho junkie, but draws the line at anything Kardashian related. Follow her on Twitter @mtwiseman

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