On this episode of “Basketball Wives,” the women gang up on Jennifer, Royce confronts Tami and Shaunie seeks spiritual guidance.
Dad: I thought you were going to let me watch “Hatfields and McCoys.”
Me: I’ll save you the time. They all die. Sit down and watch this trash.
In Tahiti, Jennifer has walked away from a manic Evelyn and returned to her room. Shaunie, operating under the guise of comforter to Jennifer, follows behind her. “You can’t say things that can be taken disrespectfully,” Shaunie says to Jennifer.
Shouldn’t she be having this conversation with Last Piece of Pizza? “Like what?” Jennifer asks. “[Evelyn] feels like your tweets, your interviews are like poking the bear,” Shaunie says. Jennifer says that her tweets and comments are only in retaliation to Evelyn and her minions’ tweets. “It’s all so stupid,” Jennifer says. I agree.
Shaunie leaves Jennifer and gives the full report to her loyal subjects. “I’m totally done being the mediator,” she says. Was that mediating? It sounded like she was blaming Jennifer for the way Evelyn acts.
Dad: Shaunie is supposed to be the peacemaker, but she’s not. She has a vested interest in both of them feuding and she just reaps the benefits from it.
Later, the triumvirate of ogres and Suzie have dinner. They talk about nothing. The next morning, they sit out on the beach and have the same conversation. A bird flies over Tami and defecates on her. That’s about the most awesome thing I’ve ever seen on this network. I hope that bird’s name is Meeka.
Jennifer emerges from her room and sits next to Evelyn. “Hello, everyone,” Jennifer says. None of them acknowledge her. Last Piece of Pizza breaks the ice. “Do you realize you’re really the start of all this?” she asks Jennifer. “The start of what?” Jennifer asks.
We watch a flashback of Evelyn and Jennifer’s confrontation from last season. “Whenever she’s confronted on anything, she doesn’t take responsibility for anything she’s done,” Evelyn says. Well, that’s certainly the pot calling the kettle the last piece of pizza.
Dad: I’ll tell you what. She couldn’t be Papa John’s. Couldn’t be Ledo’s. Ledo’s pizza good.
Me: Please focus.
“You need to stop to stop doing interviews about me,” Evelyn says. “You really don’t want me to do interviews about you and talk about the skeletons you got in your [expletive] closet!” “We all do,” Jennifer says. “No my skeletons are out,” Evelyn says. “Especially with who the [expletive] I’m with, so I don’t care.”
Dad: Yeah right. Chad knows everything she told him or everything he can prove. So they deserve each other.
Me: Sometimes I feel bad for her, though. He talks to her like she’s just…I don’t know.
Dad: Chad knows what she is. That’s why he talks to her like that. And she takes it. She has no choice. What’s she going to do? Go to a different corporation? Work for another top 10 firm in the country? This is her job. Evelyn is on her last leg. She only has about two more years left. When he’s done with her, she’ll have to go to junior hockey to get herself a man.
Jennifer tells Evelyn that she was never interviewed. “Okay, I just have to interject,” Tami says. Oh, Lord. Tami says she is a personal friend of Jamie Foster-Brown, of Sister to Sister Magazine and that she has intimate knowledge that Jennifer did an interview with the magazine. “I have the transcript of the entire conversation,” Tami says. “It was definitely an interview.”
Tami, dear, seriously, no one cares. You’re not cool, your behavior is repulsive and you’re built like Dexter Manley. Whatever associations you want to brag on are meaningless. Go away before Meeka poops on you again.
Evelyn threatens to air Jennifer’s dirty laundry. “I took blame for a bunch of stuff,” Evelyn says. “Listen, I haven’t had sex with Eric in three years,” Jennifer says. “I don’t really care, but at the same time don’t front because I ended up with who I ended up with,” Evelyn says.
“You understand what I’m saying?” I sure hope she does, because I didn’t understand a bit of that. “I’m not worried about your vagina,” Jennifer says. “I’m worried about mine.” “Actually you’re not because dude in Vegas, you [expletive] him with no condom,” Evelyn says. “I ain’t pregnant and I ain’t got no STDs,” Jennifer says. Why am I watching this trash? “And I got STDs and I’m pregnant?” Evelyn asks.
“I don’t know,” Jennifer says. “I’m not worried about yours.” Jennifer asks if they’re finished with this scripted scene. Apparently they’re not. Tami, desperate to be relevant, joins in on the Jennifer pile-on. “You’re not here to begin with, then you’re here and you stay in your room,” Tami says. “For me, I’m [expletive] offended by that.” Tami stole a woman’s purse and forced her to return home early, but she’s offended by Jennifer staying in her own room, not bothering anyone. Okay.
After the fracas, Jennifer and Kenya decide to leave Tahiti early. They gather their luggage and walk across the pedestrian bridge. Nearby, Suzie is in the pool. Rather than wishing her friend Jennifer a fond farewell, she ducks down in the water to keep Jennifer and Kenya from spotting her.
Me: Suzie is such a horrible friend.
Dad: Yeah you see how sneaky Susan is? She dropped the guy right off at Jennifer’s place didn’t she?
Me: Yes, according to Evelyn.
Dad: Jennifer didn’t deny it, did she? Who was the facilitator? Susan! Typical.
Me: We’re talking about Suzie, right? You know who she is?
Dad: Yeah, I know who she is. Susan is the one with all them short teeth at the bottom of her mouth.
The triumvirate of ogres and their pet Suzie meet for dinner. Evelyn is wearing the ugliest dress ever. It’s a super-tight black mini that looks like it was made out of electrical tape. Her back and the tops of her implants are spilling out of slits in the dress. She looks like a burned can of Pillsbury Poppin’ Fresh dough.
Suzie informs her masters that Jennifer and Kenya have left the resort. Last Piece of Pizza pretends to be happy. “Well, shots to that,” Evelyn says. In honor of their last night in Tahiti, Evelyn hands her fellow cast mates gift bags. Inside the bags are black cases that contain makeup from Evelyn’s cosmetics line.
Dad: Makeup? I thought they were laptops. She just wants to buy their loyalty. If you want to do something for me, give me a laptop. Don’t give me no cheap Chinese makeup.
Me: You are going to be so disappointed when you open your Father’s Day gift.
Shaunie and Tami make insulting remarks about Jennifer’s lip gloss line. Each woman reads personalized notes from Evelyn that she’s attached to the gifts. They read their notes aloud. “Rocky waters have transformed into smooth sailing,” Tami reads.
Dad: Evelyn didn’t write those. All of a sudden, she’s Toni Morrison?
Me: Maybe she did write them. All the notes are on ripped-out pieces of notebook paper
Dad: Yeah, you can tell she probably wrote them in big pencil.
Back in Miami, Royce meets with Tami. Tami eats some type of meal out of a martini glass. She’s eating like she hasn’t had a thing to eat in days. Royce confronts Tami about her bullying of Kesha in Tahiti. “I love Tami, but she wrong,” Royce says. “You so easy to see what I did, you need to see what the [expletive] she did,” Tami says. Royce tries to interject.
“That doesn’t condone…,” Royce says. Tami cuts her off. “See, now I’m pissed off,” she says. “She’s running with some [expletive] I said in anger. She don’t need to keep running behind my back talking to you about some [expletive] she knew wasn’t going to happen!” “If you felt that way there was a different way to handle that,” Royce says. “I acknowledge that,” Tami says. “That’s your pitiful [expletive] friend.” I should note that Tami has spent this entire time chomping down on chips and chewing with her mouth open. I’m disgusted.
Dad: All of them got terrible table manners. And they’re supposed to be high-class hookers?
Me: Dad, they’re not prostitutes. I don’t quite know what they do for work, but they’re not hookers.
Dad: What does Tami do?
Me: Well, she was on “The Real World” about 20 years ago. I guess she’s a reality show personality.
Dad: She’s a jerk, a total has-been. That girl should’ve had her arrested in Tahiti. She’d be trying to do another reality show: “Locked up Abroad.”
The ogres have dinner again. Jennifer, Kenya and Kesha are noticeably absent. Evelyn tells the group that she doesn’t plan on having children with Chad. “He has enough kids,” she says. “I’m good.” Tami tells the group that she is thinking about moving to Los Angeles. “Making that my permanent place of residence,” she says.
I guess that’s better than her temporary cardboard box. “I really feel like a lot of positive things are happening in my life right now,” Tami says. “More hands-on in my daughters’ careers right now.” Seriously?
Dad: She should do real good with that because look at her career. Oh, that’s right.
Shaunie asks Tami about her relationships with Kesha and Royce. “[Expletive] Royce,” Tami says. She’s doing too much in regards to this Kesha incident,” Tami says. “Just remain a neutral party.”
Dad: Poor Royce.
Me: Poor Royce? Are you mixing Royce up with Jennifer again? Do we need to go over the glossary another time?
Dad: I know who Jennifer is! Jennifer is the one who looks like a pretty man. Royce is the one who has the job as a professional friend, a professional hanger-on. Now her career is over.
All of a sudden, we’re taken from Miami to Los Angeles. Shaunie is seated at the head of the dining room table with her brood of children. “My number one priority in life is them,” Shaunie says. This is so hilariously scripted. “I’m pretty drama-free,” she says.
Dad: Yeah, right. If you believe that, I got some swampland in Florida for you.
Shaunie meets with her pastor to discuss “Basketball Wives.” “I think the group has kind of taken its turns and I don’t know what to do at this point,” she says. “It’s not good.” Shaunie feigns concern about the violent behavior of her friends. “This has just become crazy,” she says.
“Putting your hands on each other when we argue? What I don’t understand is why we can’t pick up the phone and talk. Why do we have to tweet and blog and go to magazines?” Oh, please. It’s more than obvious that this scene was filmed after the boycotts and petitions. The pastor asks Shaunie if it’s worth walking away. “I have strongly considered walking away,” she says.
“At this point, I can no longer defend it. I can no longer stand by it. Going into business meetings and in the back of my mind I’m wondering what do they really think about me, especially if it’s a black woman or man. I wonder if she thinks I’m just a ghetto hot mess.” Oh Shaunie, I can save you the trouble. Yes, we all think you’re a ghetto hot mess.
“This is a valley,” the pastor says. “You may need to come up the mountain and leave some people in the valley. It’s going be a tough call.”
Dad: So now she wants divine intervention? He should’ve told her to go into the wilderness and act like Moses. Go talk to a burning bush and come back with some new commandments. Number one should be “Thou shall not be a jerk.”
Some ignorant previews: John Salley hosts the “Basketball Wives” reunion.
M.T. Wiseman is a freelance journalist located in the Washington Metropolitan area. She is a reality show junkie, but draws the line at anything Kardashian-related. Follow her on Twitter @mtwiseman
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