On this episode of “Basketball Wives,” Evelyn redecorates, Tami gets a mammogram and Royce’s dad tells her about herself.

From left, Jennifer Williams, Royce Reed, Erikka Moxam, Shaunie O'Neal, Evelyn Lozada, Suzie Ketchem and Gloria Govan pose to promote their reality series, "Basketball Wives," airing on VH1. (Presscott McDonald/AP)

The topic of conversation is, of course, Jennifer and the assault that Baldheaded Nia carried out on her at the race track. “Jennifer, after this fight, still feels the need to talk,” Evelyn says. “This [expletive] went on a [expletive] media frenzy about this [expletive].” According to Evelyn’s logic, Jennifer, after being slapped by some baldheaded lunatic, was only supposed to sit there, not move and not make a sound. Baldheaded Nia chimes in as she always does.

“You welcomed the smack,” she says. “And then you [expletive] go file something. I smacked you and you should’ve dealt with the [expletive] then. She’s dead to me.”

First of all, Jennifer did deal with it then. She filed a police report. So now it’s you who has to deal with it, Baldheaded Nia. Secondly, it’s so difficult to understand Evelyn and Nia, because their grammar is atrocious. When they say “you,” they’re referring to Jennifer, but Jennifer isn’t there so they should be referring to her as “she.”

It’s so confusing to follow their strange, angry language and logic where pronouns and common sense don’t exist. Tami shifts the conversation to the group’s upcoming vacation in Tahiti. Evelyn still has Jennifer on the brain. She says she doesn’t want Jennifer anywhere near her. “She was invited,” Tami says. “So uninvite her,” Evelyn says. Evelyn is such an insect. “I’m 36, I’m mature, I have an 18-year-old daughter,” she says.

In that moment, I thought that Evelyn had a moment of clarity and had come to her senses, but alas. It was just the beginning of another one of her misplaced pronoun, insanity-based fake gangster rants. “I don’t think like that,” Evelyn says. I think like I want to [expletive] take blood out of your face.”

Tami laughs hysterically, probably because Evelyn referred to herself as 36 years old. Evelyn says if Jennifer gets near her in Tahiti, that she will drown her. She asks Tami to keep her from getting arrested in Tahiti. “I got you,” Tami says. Look, ladies, if you’re planning a vacation with a group of people, and one of those people lets you know ahead of time that they will likely engage in criminal behavior, it’s best that you don’t travel with that person. Seriously, have you seen “Brokedown Palace?” Not fun times. Just ask that kid that got his buttocks caned in Singapore.

Suzie meets Royce, who is reading lines at a picnic table. “I needed to get out of the room so I could go over my lines,” she says. That confirms what I always thought. These women live out of hotel rooms while they’re filming in these various cities. Which begs the question, where are their children?  

I’m assuming Royce’s parents care for hers and no one knows where Suzie’s are. Probably working in some textile factory overseas by now. “So we’re going on another girls’ trip,” Suzie says. Royce isn’t enthused. “It’s more important for me to be focused on my career versus going on a girls’ trip . . . ,” she says. As sensible as that sounds, my suspicions are that Royce would rather be glued to her new boy toy. “I’m going to be cuddled up with my boo,” Royce says. What a surprise. Suzie says something about Tahitians being cannibals and I suddenly become more interested in being cuddled up with this Jell-O pudding in front of me. I don’t care to hear anything else she has to say.

Oh great. Chad is back and he’s wearing a tight, striped Punky Brewster sweater. Apparently, Evelyn has moved into Chad’s home. That must stink for Evelyn’s daughter when she’s home on break from school. “What did you do to my place,” Chad asks. Chad’s place looks like the lobby of some tacky nightclub or one of Rick James’s crack dens. The entire place is red. I’m surprised the windows aren’t covered in aluminum foil. Evelyn has started redecorating.

She points to the red chandelier. “It clashes,” she says. “I hate it.” She calls Chad’s attention to the living room. “This red sofa,” Evelyn says. “I just don’t like the velvet. It reminds me of Elvis. Like he should be sitting on it.” So Evelyn is old enough to remember Elvis? Hmm. “Who’s going pay for it?” Chad asks.  “You think I don’t have money,” Evelyn says. “Why you think I’m with you?” Chad says. “Sure ain’t your looks.” Nice.

Evelyn ignores him and asks him how he feels about their upcoming wedding. “I’m stoked,” he says. “It’s good that we’re open, we’re honest.” Is he serious? It sounds like Chad has been rehearsing his lines in the park with Royce. We see a flashback of the conversation between Chad and Evelyn, where she gave him permission to cheat on her. “I think everybody misconstrued what we were talking about,” she says. Sure. “How would you feel if I said I don’t want to have kids?” Evelyn asks. “Do you care?” I know I don’t. “We have a basketball team now,” Chad says referring to their combined number of children. “You want a sixth man, we can have a sixth man,” he says. “Let’s just play it by ear.”

Evelyn says she is focused on her supposed career and can’t imagine herself pregnant again. “I want to focus on me,” she says. I’m sure that will come as some relief to Jennifer. “I wrote a poem,” Chad says. “And this is from the heart. You’ve got to snap your fingers.” Evelyn snaps.

I feel like I’m watching a horrible episode of “Good Times” and Chad is filling in for the role of Sweet Daddy Williams. If that Punky sweater weren’t so tight, I’d swear he’d pull out a bunch of gold watches from under it. “You are like the last slice of pizza,” Chad says. “That nobody wants. How’s that?” Ouch. I don’t even think Sweet Daddy ever said anything that mean. “I’m like the last slice of pizza that everybody wants,” Evelyn says. “No, because everybody is already full,” Chad says. “I didn’t get to eat yet.”

Wow. I guess this is what it sounds like when doves cry. Kenya calling Evelyn loose warrants a bottle thrown at her head, but Chad can basically call Evelyn an unwanted piece of trash and she desperately wants to marry the dude. Pathetic.

Tami, her two daughters and her mom, Nadine, sit in a dance studio waiting for Royce to teach them some moves. Tami starts doing some ridiculous dance where she’s moving her neck and arms all akimbo. My cat looks exactly like that when she’s giving herself a bath, but she has more rhythm. Royce teaches them a dance routine. There’s a knock at the door. Dezmon walks in and Tami embarrasses herself and her family. “Lawda mercy,” she says. “Dezmon in the flesh. Ooh, you are cute.” She sounds like Shug Avery.  Tami spins Dezmon around and checks out his behind.  “Dezmon, you cute,” she says. “Once you go old you’ll never be cold.” “I heard,” Dezmon says while looking at Royce. Ha! That’s so sad, but so funny.

Back at Chad’s Superfreak Palace, Chad sits outside near the pool. He’s in an even tighter shirt than before. He tells Evelyn to come outside and join him. Evelyn says she doesn’t want to come out in the rain. “I just got my hair done,” she says. “So what?” Chad says. Evelyn wraps a towel around herself and comes outside.

They discuss the wedding again. “There’s what, five months until we get married?” Evelyn asks. “What kind of suit are you wearing?” Chad says that he will wear a red suit. “Not all red,” he says. “Like paisley.” “Well we’re supposed to match,” Evelyn says. “Why, because everybody else matches?” he asks. “If you’re going to marry me, you’re going to meet me halfway,” Chad says.

The back of Chad’s head is super wrinkled. It looks like a Shar-Pei’s butt. No wonder Evelyn’s three dogs are now outside. His head appears to be in heat. “People definitely think that we’re weird,” Evelyn says in an interview. “I don’t care what anybody thinks.” Well, anybody but Jennifer. Jennifer’s opinion about Chad seems to be the source of Evelyn’s rage. “I’m not going to have bridesmaids,” Evelyn says. “I’m not going to do any of that.”

Of course not. Only people with friends have bridesmaids. “Look at me,” Chad says. “I love you.” “I sat at the hair salon too long,” Evelyn says. “I’m not marrying you for your hair,” Chad says. “For the [expletive],” he says, referring to Evelyn’s genitalia. “Damn,” Evelyn says. Her reaction angers Chad. He raises his voice. “If that [expletive] wasn’t good, you wouldn’t be here,” he shouts.

Yikes. He stands up and walks away from her. “[Expletive]! I’m out of here,” he says. Chad walks in the house and slams the door behind him, leaving Evelyn standing outside in the rain with three dogs surrounding her. This is definitely foreshadowing. I imagine this scene will replay when Chad eventually dumps Evelyn and moves his new and younger groupie into the Superfreak Palace.

Evelyn and Tami go get mammograms together. Evelyn says she’s nervous because it’s her first time. They go in what looks like a department store dressing room. Evelyn gets completely undressed instead of removing her top only. Perhaps she thought a professional athlete was performing the exam. Tami gets her mammogram first. She compares the exam to having a man pull her weave during rough sex. “That pressure. It’s kind of like that,” she says. I have no words.

It’s Evelyn’s turn. She’s concerned about her breast implants. “You think that they’re going to pop,” she says. Misplaced pronouns again. The technician tells Evelyn that they have a special procedure to administer mammograms to women with breast implants. Afterward, Evelyn and Tami sit in the waiting room, I guess.

Evelyn says something about having her “booty hole checked.” I don’t know and I don’t want to know. “At least get a colonic,” Tami says. “I don’t like that tube in my booty,” Evelyn says. “I don’t know what that mean,” Tami says. “But I love it.” I think these two are confusing a colonic with a colonoscopy and I’m disturbed.

A doctor comes out and talks to Evelyn and Tami. Tami says she’s concerned about breast cancer as it relates to black women. “It really wasn’t our disease,” Tami says. What is she talking about? “The incidence of breast cancer is still higher in white women,” the doctor says. “The death rate is higher in African-Americans.” “I don’t self examine myself,” Evelyn says. “Maybe I should have Chad do it.” I guess this is supposed to be the kinder, gentler side of “Basketball Wives” that the cast claims we don’t see. I know I’ve gotten a very thorough lesson on booty hole tubes today. What about y’all?

Suzie meets Jennifer somewhere outside. Suzie asks Jennifer how she’s feeling about the trip to Tahiti. “I’m 100 percent done with Evelyn,” Jennifer says. “I don’t want to ever see her in life.” If we have to look at her Jennifer, so do you.

Finally! My absolute favorite person to ever appear on this show is here, Royce’s daddy. He’s in the park with Royce. He cuts right to the chase. “I think you know what we need to talk about,” he tells her. Royce’s dad looks like if Samuel L. Jackson and George Benson had a baby. I love him. Her dad tells her that she needs to slow down with the men she brings in her life. “I’m a relationship girl,” Royce says. “I date one person at a time.” “You think that you need to be with somebody all the time and you can only find that in somebody younger,” her dad says. “See, a cougar does that.”

Hee! Royce’s son’s father, Dwight Howard, is just 26 years old. Royce claims that the men who approach her who are her age don’t have themselves together. Royce’s father says that he’s concerned about Royce’s son and his relationship with Dezmon. “He can never assume that this man is his father,” he says. “I don’t want him to see Dezmon kissing you.” Royce starts flipping out. I can’t understand a word she’s saying. Her dad doesn’t lose his cool. “He’s never seen you kiss anybody,” he asks. “Dezmon is the only one he has seen you kiss?”  Royce is carrying some Ewok-looking dog in her arms. “For you to sit here and say that, it hurts,” she says.

She drops to the ground and starts sobbing, blabbering and acting simple. She looks like an idiot. “You know that I’m not that person,” she says. Her father walks over to her. “I’m hoping that you’re not Royce,” he says. “You know I’m happy,” Royce says between sobs. “Just let me be happy please!” Her father is unfazed. “It’s not all about you,” he says. “I love you. You are my baby, but I’m not just going to let you go and do anything.” “I just want you to accept that I am truly happy now,” Royce says. “You know. . .” Her father cuts her off. “Naw, don’t tell me what I know.”

Jeez, I love this old man. Royce’s daddy is the type of old man who I always ask for directions if I’m lost. He probably drives a spotless Cadillac, is always on time and never pays for anything on credit. “You think that’s what I am . . .,” Royce says. “Royce how many times have you told me in the last few days, ‘I’m not crying wolf,’ her dad says. “How do I know you’re not crying wolf?” “Because you’ve seen it for months,” she says. “Right now, my concern is with my grandson,” her dad says. “My dad definitely treats me like a little girl,” Royce says in an interview. “So much so that our relationship has been hindered.”

Of course he treats you like a little girl. You just had a tantrum on a sidewalk. I think Royce’s father is awesome and is probably wondering how on earth he raised such a doofus for a kid.

Some ignorant previews. Royce’s daddy has a sit-down with Dezmon. The other women go to Tahiti. Kesha is surrounded by sharks in the water and on land. Once again, Tami goes nuts on Kesha. Until next week . . . The End.

M.T. Wiseman is a freelance journalist located in the Washington metropolitan area. She is a reality show junkie, but draws the line at anything Kardashian-related. Follow her on Twitter @mtwiseman.

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