On this episode of Basketball Wives, Shaunie celebrates a birthday, Kesha gets back to her roots and Evelyn and Jennifer have dueling toasts.

From left,Jennifer Williams, Royce Reed, Erikka Moxam, Shaunie O'Neal, Evelyn Lozada, Suzie Ketchem and Gloria Govan pose together to promote their reality series, "Basketball Wives," airing on VH1. (Presscott McDonald/ASSOCIATED PRESS)

He only knows Evelyn because that was my grandmother’s name and I don’t think he knows that Kenya and Suzie exist. For forcing him to watch Basketball Wives, I think my dad’s trying to get me charged with elder abuse. Good luck with that old man.

Dad: Damn it. I was just about to start eating.

Me: You eat later. Sit down and watch this garbage.

The women are magically together in Miami after inexplicably spending the last four episodes in New York City. Evelyn and Tami fill in their boss, Shaunie on all that went on in New York as if she didn’t know already. They talk about their last dinner together in New York.

“I had to let her have it.” Tami says. We see a flashback of Tami flipping out on Kesha.

“Kenya was like in all her glory, that Kesha was getting it,” Evelyn says. “And I’m not no team Kenya,” Tami says. “But Kesha, I definitely don’t like you.” Yeah, Kesha’s not there. I think Tami’s had too much to drink.

Dad: There’s a woman in India and another one in the Phillipines. Both of them are saying, “I’m a star. All my hair is on that show!” Ha Ha.

Me: Corny.

Dad: They cost about $30,000 a piece.

Me: The women?

Dad: The hair.

Me: No they don’t.

Dad: Yes they do, honey. It’s human hair.

Me: They’re wearing weaves not wigs.

Dad: It’s human hair weaves!

Me: Okay.

“You can’t be amongst us and we don’t know what we’re getting with you,” Tami says. “I just want to find out who the liar is.” Huh? What is she talking about? Did I miss something? What liar? “Me and Tami, we’re pretty good at getting to the bottom of things,” Evelyn says. “Sniffing things out.” Yes they are. Especially professional athletes who are short on intelligence and long on temporary millions. Those two can sniff themout like truffles.

Shaunie invites both trolls to her birthday dinner. “But I’m also inviting Jen,” Shaunie says. Tami guffaws. “You have a problem with Jen too?” Shaunie asks.

Tami says she’s anticipating Evelyn’s reaction to Jennifer being there. “I’m going to be quiet,” Evelyn says. “It’s your birthday. Evelyn tells Shaunie to not let her have too many drinks. “If it gets past four, I don’t know what beast is about to be unleashed.”

Dad: I met a girl at one of the games and she said she spent her whole salary to get on the front row so she could get an NBA player. And she was an attorney.

Me: You’ve never been to an NBA game.

Dad: Yes I have. It was me, Kenny and John from next door. Remember John? We used to go all the time.

My father hasn’t been to a basketball game since Moses Malone was hot. Whatever groupie he’s referring to is probably long dead. Or maybe it was Evelyn. That chick was probably sniffing around all the Ullamaliztli games looking for an ancient Aztec baller to snag. I think she’s a vampire.

Royce and Suzie are in Kesha’s hometown of Drexel, NC. Kesha drives up in her grandfather’s pick-up truck. “I can’t be caught dead in that [expletive], Suzie says. I bet she would if it were driven by professional athlete. For now, Kesha will have to do. Suzie is wearing a white Captain Caveman vest, a brown Captain Caveman bag and tan Captain Caveman boots.

Dad: What she thought she was hunting? Or was that her camouflage?

Me: I don’t know. She’s slow. Leave her alone.

“Now your grandparents are white,” Suzie asks. “The ones I was raised by,” Kesha says. “My dad’s parents and my dad were never really in my life growing up.” “Your mom had jungle fever,” Suzie says. Kesha says that her mom still does. “She got soul,” Kesha says. “I’m not a black, but I like chocolate too sometimes. A black? Please shut up Suzie.

Dad: I couldn’t understand a word she was saying. Damned teeth coming out of her mouth.

They pull up to Kesha’s uncle Denny’s farm. A bunch of chickens, not named Royce and Suzie run around in the yard. “They live in like East, East Bumble[expletive],” Suzie says. “Plus 150 miles.” “Look at the chickens,” Royce says.

Dad: All of them are not chickens. Some of them are guinea hens and other fowls.

Me: What’s a guinea hen?

Dad: It’s a guinea hen! I don’t how to explain it. They’re good watch dogs. Uncle Roland had them in Cabin John, and…

Me: Oh my God. The end!

Two young girls run out and hug Kesha. A group of Caucasian people gather on the front porch. “I’m like wow she is really half white,” Royce said. “It kind of shocked me.” Kesha starts giving the rundown on her family history. “My grandma’s brother married my grandma’s sister,” she says. So my mom is double first cousins with Lisa and her sister.” I didn’t follow any of that. Did her family members marry each other?

Dad: Chicken, chicken guinea, guinea. Cousin’s booty’s good as any.

Me: That’s so rude.

Dad: Ha Ha!

“And it’s not incestuous,” Kesha says. Suzie looks at Royce, wondering what incestuous means. Kesha’s uncle Denny emerges from the house. He looks exactly like Lute Olson. “Hey Deeeny,” Kesha says. “How are yeew? Kesha’s accent has gotten even thicker while she’s been back home. The women go riding on ATVs. Suzie is accompanied by a bald guy wearing brown overalls. I don’t even know his name, but I bet they call him Junior.

Back in Miami, Jennifer and Kenya go shopping for outfits for Shaunie’s birthday party. It’d be nice if they were actually shopping for a gift for Shaunie instead of for themselves, but whatever. It’s a really boring scene. They don’t really talk about anything, so I’ll spare you from suffering through it.

In North Carolina, Kesha tells Royce and Suzie that it was difficult for her growing up biracial in a small town. They talk to Sierra, who I’m guessing is one of Kesha’s double cousins. Sierra is also biracial. “People ask, ‘what are you,” Sierra says. “And then when you tell them, they’re like ‘you don’t even look like it.’” “See that’s the thing that Tami did to me,” Kesha says.

She gestures to someone off camera who is identified as Kesha’s mother, Tammi. I didn’t even realize the rest of Kesha’s family is standing and crowded over in the corner so the camera crew could get these three fools filmed sitting on one side of the table. Kesha says that her mother was an outcast for dating black men. “Your mom and my mom were the first girls to actually do it around here,” Sierra says. “We ain’t the first ones that did it,” Tammi says. “We were just the first ones that didn’t hide it. Let’s make that perfectly clear.”

Thank God for the editors closed captioning that, because I totally didn’t understand a lick of what that woman just said. “The black girls hated them because they were white dating black boys,” Kesha says. “And the white girls hated them because they were dating black boys.” “Not really,” Tammi says. “I always got along with the black girls.” Tammi is ruining Kesha’s Dickensian tale of woe.

The women go to Myra’s antique shop. “Oh my God,” Suzie says. There’s antique hair still on this brush.” Now that’s gross. Suzie asks Royce if she’s heard about their last night in New York. “It was a night of pure hell,” Kesha says.

Royce asks what happened. “We just got into a very interesting discussion.” We see another flashback of Tami’s ignorant outburst. “I’ll talk to her,” Royce says. Royce says that Evelyn told Tami to start drama. “They’re not going to push me out,” Kesha says.

Dad: I like Suzie.

Me: Suzie. Why? You just said you couldn’t understand a word she was saying.

Dad: Because she’s not pretentious. Her mother had courage.

Me: What are you talking about? We’ve never even seen Suzie’s mother.

Dad: What? Which one is the half white one?

Me: Kesha!

Dad: Oh, so which one is the fancy dancer with no marketable skills?

Me: Oh, that’s Royce.

In Miami, Tami goes to Jennifer’s apartment. It’s much bigger than her New York apartment, but it looks pretty much empty as well. Tami grabs a drink and goes out to Jennifer’s balcony. The view is beautiful. “I haven’t seen you since your launch which I wasn’t invited to,” Tami says. Jennifer feigns surprise and confusion. “Huh,” she says. “Oh my gaaahd.

That week was a little hectic, so maybe I got caught up, but that certainly wasn’t my intention. I’m sorry.” They hug. I wouldn’t have invited her either. “Have you talked to Evelyn,” Tami asks. Jennifer says that she hasn’t. “I didn’t even know who that person was in front of me,” Jennifer says.

“It’s funny you say that,” Tami says. “Everybody says ‘I don’t know who this new Jennifer is.’” Jennifer looks confused. “We see you on Twitter and we see you in the club with your friends, but we haven’t talked to you,” Tami says.

She can’t hang out in the club with her friends? “When I’m home, I do like to go out,” Jennifer says. “It’s nothing personal.” “I stated my case with Jennifer,” Tami says. “I thought she got it.” I didn’t. Tami heads back inside back in for another beer. Jennifer looks like she can’t wait to get this fool out of her house.

Jennifer and Suzie take a walk on the beach. Suzie fills Jennifer in on her visit to Drexel. “It was crazy,” Suzie says. “I’ve never met hillbillies in real life.” “Did you have to go to outhouse to go pee,” Jennifer asks. What the hell? They didn’t travel back in time, fool. They traveled to another state. One with running water.

How has she never been to North Carolina? I’m sure Junior and Uncle Denny would think her little New York matchbox apartment was an outhouse. “But they all lived in trailer,” Suzie says. No they didn’t. What is Suzie talking about? “Well no wonder she thought I was bougie,” Jennifer says. “[Expletive] you’re from the sticks. I’ll take bougie over country any day long so okay.”

Shut up Jennifer. First of all, it was Kenya who made the bougie comment. How can you call yourself bougie when you have no awareness of all the other states in the Union? At least Kesha has been to both New York and North Carolina.

Dad: What’s the half white one’s name?

Me: Kesha!

Dad: Yeah. One of these days, she’s gonna go off on somebody. Half of her is gonna whip somebody’s [expletive].

Tami sits on a park bench. Surprisingly, she’s not shaking a cup with change in it. Royce, on rollerblades, skates up to her. Royce talks to Tami about Kesha. “I think you have a misconception about who she is,” Royce says.

Royce sounds frightened. “You know I love you,” Royce says. “But for you to call her a [expletive]...that was wrong.” “No it wasn’t,” Tami says. “I felt like calling her a [expletive] in that moment.” Tami has her jiggly prison arms crossed. Her lips are pursed. “Royce has this epiphany about Kesha because she visited her family,” Tami says. “Don’t nobody give a [expletive] about me so I don’t give [expletive] about Kesha in this moment.” Tami has some serious issues. Anybody remember when she was on the Real World and had her jaw wired shut? She should do that again.

Dad: She’s everybody’s best friend by design.

Me: Who Royce?

Dad: The little one. She’s the mediator.

Me: You know, she’s actually college educated.

Dad: What was her major?

Me: I don’t know. Something about theater arts.

Dad: She’ll make more money being a lap dancer.

Evelyn is meeting up with “Baby,” to discuss publishing some books she has, as she says, “coming out.” She never quite says the word “writing.” Baby rolls up with an entourage of men and one cute little girl named Bria.

Dad: Was Baby her husband?

Me: No.

Dad: Are they going to write a book about Baby?

Me: No! Pay attention. She wants Baby to publish her book about her life being engaged to Antoine Walker.

Dad: That’s her claim to fame?

Me: Sadly, yes.

Dad: Well it’s her last claim to fame because she’s damn near a hundred years old.

Me: She says she’s like 35.

Dad: What does her birth certificate say? You can tell she got some miles on her. She disguises those wrinkles with the make-up, but I can tell.

Evelyn says that Baby is an intimidating guy. That’s pretty mean. The man can’t help it. He was obviously in a very serious accident that left him with some hideous severe burns in the shapes of stars and tear drops all over his body. He’s got a huge red scar in the shape of a star right on top of his head. Baby is a walking box of Lucky Charms. “

I need to make these 15 minutes last longer than 15 minutes,” Evelyn says. Well I’m glad she admits it. “I have a daughter,” she says. “I’m just trying to put her through college.” Whatever Evelyn. “You’re doing a great job,” some creature named Slim says. Slim is a dead ringer for the Addams Family’s butler, Lurch. I’m scared and apparently, Bria is too. As the only human present at this meeting, she’s sitting as far away from all of them as possible.

Evelyn said that her story is juicy and it’s one that needs to be told without the actual characters. Some guy named Vernon Brown talks. “When we got wind that you were doing the book,” he says. The two of them called me immediately and were like we have to do this.” Really? “We had two New York Times best sellers this year,” Vernon says. “Yours will be on that list.” Really?

Jennifer and Shaunie meet for drinks. Shaunie invites Jennifer to her birthday dinner. Has this woman never heard of an Evite? Why do we have to watch all these separate, in person invitations? “Do I need to come w a bullet proof vest,” Jennifer asks. She just might.

Everyone arrives for Shaunie’s birthday dinner. “I’m excited,” Jennifer says. Birthdays are always a fun time, so I don’t think it’s a place for any inappropriate drama.”

Evelyn walks in, in a skin tight leopard print dress with chains hanging from it. Whatever. She blows kisses and greets everyone but her former friend, Jennifer. Shaunie arrives with friends. “Yo, we’ve been throwing them back boo,” Evelyn says. “You need to catch up.” Such a sophisticated lady.

Shaunie thanks her guests for coming. “You all are a special part of my life,” she says. “Couldn’t do it without you so thank you.” Kenya stands up and gives her own speech. “I thank you in this moment because in this moment you’re allowing the world to know who I really am. For a long time I’ve hidden behind my husband and who he was. Happy birthday.” “And our bank accounts say happy birthday, Shaunie,” Suzie says. “Right Tami? Off of food stamps.”

Ooh, burn. Tami gets upset. Suzie walks over to Tami to smooth things over. “I’m being serious,” Suzie says. Tami goes on an expletive laden rant. “I know where I came from but you need to understand where the [expletive] you came from [expletive].” I’m over Tami.

Evelyn stands up to give a toast to Shaunie. “I’m forever grateful for you for being an amazing girlfriend,” Evelyn says. “You’ve never changed through fame or no fame. You’ve been 100 the whole time. I thank you for everything. I hope as a friend I’ve never changed to you and I will forever be loyal to you. You brought things to me that I can never imagine and I will forever be here for you like nobody. ‘Cause I’m that [expletive].” Oh man. Shaunie tears up but doesn’t cry. Jennifer texts on her phone.

Jennifer also stands to give a toast to Shaunie. “You and I have been through similar situations,” she says. “You’re on top, you’re independent, you’re a business woman. Enjoy your years as an independent woman and many more. Happy birthday.”

Evelyn isn’t happy. “I promise to God, the entire speech was about herself,” she says. “It just goes hand in hand with it’s Jennifer’s World.” I didn’t hear that in Jennifer’s speech. As soon as Jennifer sits down, Evelyn says she wants to make another toast. She stands. “I want to toast to loyalty,” she says.

Oh man. This looks like a scene out of The Untouchables. Where is Robert Deniro and a bat when you need him? “Not talking [expletive] about your [expletive] friends on [expletive] blogs,” Evelyn says. “Being there for each other through thin and thick. And let’s sum it up by being loyal to ‘ya friends.” An older man stands in the background and appears to be appalled by this clown’s behavior. I hope he’s Robert DeNiro in disguise. “Let’s add in not being disrespectful either,” Jennifer says.

Evelyn asks her to repeat herself. Jennifer does. “Okay, what does that mean,” Evelyn asks. “I’m college educated,” Jennifer says. “I don’t need to explain that.” I would give Jennifer points on that one, had she not asked Suzie if she used an outhouse in North Carolina. “You’re the fakest [expletive] at the table,” Evelyn says. “Just like them [expletive] contacts.”

Dad: The big one should’ve said, “But everything else on you is just as phony.”

Jennifer should hire my father as a speech writer. She tells Evelyn that she’s ruining Shaunie’s birthday party. Where is that party anyway? It looks like they’re sitting in the middle of a hospital cafeteria. “I’m not ruining somebody’s birthday party,” Evelyn says. “Shaunie’s good! You good Shaunie?” Shaunie replies that she is. “Shaunie’s good,” Evelyn says. “So shut the [expletive] up and and sit where you sitting.”

Oh man, is it time for these children to go to fourth period yet? “Let’s go,” Shaunie says. Shaunie and her entourage escort Evelyn out. Shaunie’s boyfriend looks embarrassed. A man stands behind Jennifer and shields her from Evelyn. Evelyn hits Jennifer in the head with her purse.

Dad: Did you see that? I was wondering, did her weave shift?

Evelyn continues screaming. “I will [expletive] hurt that [expletive].

Dad: She was horrid. First of all, she shouldn’t have been there. It wasn’t her fault. Whatcha Call um’s ex-wife, the short-haired one? She knew what she was doing. I like the big one.

Me: Who is the big one? Tami?

Dad: No, that’s the really big one.

Me: No one else is big.

Dad: The girl who was texting. She was very cool.

Me: She is so not big. Her name is Jennifer.

Dad: I really respect her. She was very cool.

Some ignorant previews: Evelyn says she’ll wait around the corner of the restaurant and pretend she left. Tami tells Kenya that they have an obligation to stick up for each other. Yeah right. Kesha tattles on Kenya. Kenya takes her shoes off. Kesha runs. Until next week…The End.

Me: Well, thanks for watching this trash with me, Dad.

Dad: All my damned food got cold!

M.T. Wiseman is a freelance journalist located in the Washington Metropolitan area. She is a reality show junkie, but draws the line at anything Kardashian related. Follow her on Twitter @mtwiseman.

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