On this episode of Basketball Wives, not much happens. Oh, except someone is assaulted with a bottle of wine. Yeah. I can’t believe this show is still on either.

From left,Jennifer Williams, Royce Reed, Erikka Moxam, Shaunie O'Neal, Evelyn Lozada, Suzie Ketchem and Gloria Govan pose together to promote their reality series, "Basketball Wives," airing on VH1. (Presscott McDonald/ASSOCIATED PRESS)

Suzie returns to the cabana because as she says, “nothing was solved.” “Kenya had more opportunity to talk to them,” Suzie says. What is wrong with Suzie? Does she have any real friends? Evelyn’s nostrils expand. “I’m grilling Kenya and asking her if she said that because in her sick crazy mind she believes in the [expletive],” Evelyn says. The irony is that Evelyn’s mind is sick and crazy enough that she gave her fiancé permission to cheat on her. Judge not loose woman.

“In me referencing her being a [rhymes with go],” Kenya asks. “Yeah I said that.” Good for Kenya. Own up to it. So what? “When Kesha was here, you said that you didn’t say that,” Evelyn says. “I didn’t say she was a [rhymes with go], I said that I heard she was a [rhymes with go]. I’m finding Kenya to be hilarious. “You’re very [expletive] good at talking,” Evelyn says.

If I were Kenya, I’d take that as a compliment. Evelyn is not very [expletive] good at talking. I hate listening to her begin sentences with, “I seen.” “This is where it’s going to go left,” Tami says. “I’m telling you from the inside out.” I have no idea what that means. “I don’t know exactly what I said,” Kenya says. Aw, come on Kenya. Don’t punk out now.

“We can’t trust anything that you say,” Tami says. Why is it up to Tami to trust what Kenya says? Are they nominating Kenya to a cabinet position somewhere? Is what Kenya says that important to her life? “Kenya should’ve told the truth, but I think Evelyn doesn’t care,” Tami says. Obviously, she does Tami. She cares very much. Look at her nostrils. “I don’t care about what Kesha has to say,” Kenya says. “I care what Kesha has to say,” Tami says.

Why? Tami needs to get a life. Kenya leaves, finally. The ogres are left to deliberate. “Kenya is going to get her [expletive] beat down,” Evelyn says. “And I’m mad at her kitten heels. You ain’t 95 [expletive].” So, are kitten heels not allowed pool side? Whatever.

Royce meets with some guy named Jojo Brown and some lady named Talia Cole. Royce says they’re helping her create a fitness video. Really? “I want it to be sexy,” Royce says. “I want it to be fun.” “Everybody love music,” Talia says. “Music makes you move.” “We’ll see what happens,” Royce says.

That’s the end of that scene. Seriously, there’s nothing more. At this point, half the cast won’t film with Royce and I guess the producers just need something for her to do. Hence, these phony church play and fitness video storylines. It’s the best they can do for her. I guess they could film her at home eating a bowl of Cap’n Crunch. Which I guess would be okay, because that’s what I’m doing now.

Jennifer and Suzie go to Kesha’s apartment for no apparent reason. “So, Kenya supposedly called Evelyn a [rhymes with go],” Suzie says. Kesha corrects her. “She called her loose,” Kesha says. Kesha and Suzie continue the Kenya bashing. “Ok, first of all, don’t wear kitten heels,” Kesha says.

Dude, what is the deal? Is there some war against kitten heels that I wasn’t aware of? I love kitten heels and my flat feet love them even more. Those hideous platform stiletto shoes that these women wear not only make their feet look huge, they also make their legs look like toothpicks. They’re not flattering in the least. I don’t know how they ever became popular. Besides, I don’t even think Kenya was wearing kitten heels. Those shoes looked to be at least a good two to three inches. Hardly a kitten heel.

The ogres are so used to wearing stripper-chic glittery platform stilettos that they don’t realize a three inch heel is actually high enough. And more importantly, why are they concerned so much about what some other woman wears? Dumb.

“I’m not fighting,” Kesha says. “I am not going to let that girl get up and fight me.” Jennifer says she is baffled. “She doesn’t act like that around me,” Jennifer says. “’Cause you’re her idol,” Kesha says. “Well she got to drop them kitten heels first,” Jen says.

What grade is this? Do grown women really sit around and discuss another woman’s shoes like this? What other type of shoes was she supposed to be wearing at a pool? “Jen has no idea how much Kenya worships her,” Kesha says. Suzie tells Jennifer the story of Kenya allegedly calling Evelyn loose. “There was another girl who was there,” Kesha says.

“So call her,” Suzie says. Suzie, read a book. Join a club. Do something with your life please. Kesha says she wants nothing more to do with Kenya. I don’t believe her. She loves talking about Kenya as long as it makes the ogres accept her into their circle.

Evelyn and Shaunie meet to talk trash. Oh my God. What happened to Shaunie? Did she just receive an organ transplant?Her face is ashy, she’s wearing no make-up and no earrings. Her hair is barely combed. I’m concerned. In the context of a regular person on the street, she looks fine. But these women hire make-up artists and stylists just to meet for lunch.

Her appearance is a little jarring. Shaunie asks Evelyn what’s going on as if she’s not the producer of this show. “Who’s the one that’s a little questionable,” she asks. Evelyn recalls the entire dumb story of Kenya calling her loose. “She would not admit to it for nothing in the world,” Evelyn says. “This is a mess,” Shaunie says. It is. In more ways than one. Evelyn tells Shaunie that Kesha’s friend who allegedly heard Kenya call Evelyn loose will be coming into town. “Does Kenya know this other girl is coming,” Shaunie asks.

These women are so sad. Her [expletive] [expletive] got a world of problems I’m going to get to the bottom of this,” Evelyn says. At this point, is there really a bottom to get to? I pretty much think we’ve hit rock bottom here, Evelyn. When you’re 40 years old and worried about whether or not some other woman called you loose, there’s not much lower you can get.

Jennifer and Kenya meet to talk. This is so tiresome. Do these people ever just call each other on the phone? Do they have phones? Why do they have to meet up all the time? Maybe they get their phones from Family Dollar like my uncle Dalton and they haven’t replenished their minutes. “I’m meeting up with Jen, my favorite girl,” Kenya says.

Are they in the mall? It looks like they’re sitting in the middle of the food court. I guess no restaurant wants them there. I’m curious to see if there’s somebody walking around holding toothpicks with bourbon chicken on them. Kenya must not have gotten the memo that they’re meeting in the mall. She’s dressed like she’s going to play tennis. That was last week, Kenya. You should’ve replenished your minutes.

“Kesha and Suzie are going around trying to start mess,” Kenya says. “You put a bunch of women together and it’s bound to be drama,” Jennifer says. Well, that’s not really true Jennifer. Several associations, businesses, organizations and schools are full of women and they get along just fine. Now, if you put a bunch of women with no jobs, no skills, no talent and low self-esteem together then you have Basketball Wives. “I’ve been hated on in my life, but this is to another level of haterism,” Kenya says.

At the end of the day if we want to sit down and talk about who said what then we’d all be pointing fingers because we all talk [expletive],” Jennifer says. This is so true. People talk about each other all the time. It’s human nature. The difference is that most humans don’t start fighting and throwing drinks at each other because someone talked about them.

Can you imagine President Obama and his cabinet meeting up with Mitt Romney at Georgia Brown’s every time Romney says something about him on the campaign trail? And then the President throws drinks in Romney’s face and calls him a bunch of b-words? Ok, bad example. That would be the best reality show in television history, but you get the idea.

There’s a knock on Tami’s door. Surprisingly, it’s not someone serving her papers. It’s Royce and she’s excited to see Tami. Are they in New York again? It’s sunny so I guess they’re in Miami. I don’t know. I don’t care. Royce tells Tami that she’s doing a play. “I’m very excited,” Royce tells Tami that Kesha and Suzie will be attending the play as well. Tami groans. “What happened with Suzie,” Royce asks.

Tami tells Royce about Shaunie’s birthday party where Suzie mentioned that Tami used to be a food stamp recipient. “I’m supposed to let that slide,” Tami asks. “That’s very unfortunate,” Royce says. They move on to talk about Kenya. I think Kenya to the Miami cast is what Draya is to the Los Angeles cast. They’re all jealous of her for some reason. For Draya, it’s that she’s young and sexually liberated. For Kenya, it’s that she’s actually married, albeit headed for divorce.

“Kenya definitely needs to understand that she is not at diva status,” Tami says. I hope Tami doesn’t think she’s at diva status. Tami says that Kenya has invited her to go to a church to watch a choir audition for her song. “She wants to get up on stage with a choir,” Tami says. She orders Royce to go with her. “In everybody else’s mind, she’s going to look like a mess,” Tami says. In my mind, Tami looks a mess.

Shaunie and her manager Phil, talk about Shaunie’s daughter Mimi’s 10th birthday. Mimi’s favorite group is named Mindless Behavior. Who? Shaunie says that she’s going to throw a cooking party for Mimi. “She likes to cook and all her little friends like to cook,” Shaunie says.

Shaunie asks Phil if he can make it possible for Mimi to meet Mindless Behavior. “She showed me the one she loved the most,” Shaunie says. “Princeton is his name.” “I’ll be mom of the year,” Shaunie says. “I’ll be uncle of the year,” Phil adds. Shaunie says that Phil knows everyone. “I already know I can put it in his hands and he’ll make it happen.” Is Phil Jesus? Can Phil of Nazareth get me a job at Google?

Kesha walks on the beach with her friend Sakara. “My friend Sakara is in town and I’ve asked her to come to Miami because she was there when Kenya called Evelyn loose,” Kesha says. So? “Her goal is to try to make me look bad in front of the other girls,” she says. “I had to fight fire with fire.” This is so stupid. Kesha wants Sakara to tell Evelyn that Kenya called Evelyn loose. “Let me bring my tennis shoes just in case,” Sakara says. Well, don’t bring kitten heels. The ogres don’t like them.

Royce and Suzie meet to have another conversation that could’ve been saved for the telephone. Suzie tells Royce that she wants Jennifer and Royce to make up. “She hits below the belt,” Royce says. “Keep your eyes open.” “She’s changed,” Suzie says. “I don’t see Jen and I becoming friends,” Royce says. “But I’m grown.”

Evelyn and Suzie go to Kesha’s apartment. Sakara is there. She looks nervous. “I love the colors in here,” Evelyn says. Kesha’s place is entirely white with one blue pillow rested on the sofa. Shut up Evelyn. “Alright, so I know you have some info,” Evelyn says to Sakara. She came all the way over to this girl’s apartment for this? Sakara tells the tale of the stupid conversation when Kenya called Evelyn loose. Oh my God, there’s still like 20 minutes left. Save me.

“She basically just said Evelyn’s loose and she gets around,” Sakara says. “She said she thinks she’s like [Evelyn] but she’s not loose. It was like she was about to give her a compliment.” “I will never [expletive] with that [expletive] ever again,” Evelyn says. “Yeah I [expletive]! What do you want me to do? Suzie you [expletive] too right?”

I’m pouring another bowl of Cap’n Crunch just so I can drown out the sounds of this woman’s trashy mouth. “As time goes on it’s, getting worse and worse for her,” Evelyn says about Kenya. “I’m going to torture her the next time I see her.” If it were that serious, why didn’t she torture Kenya the first time she heard it? We will have a conversation,” Evelyn says.

Isn’t that what they had at the pool? I don’t understand Evelyn. She says she doesn’t care and that her business is already out there, yet she threatened Suzie and Kenya with physical violence for talking about her sexual exploits. Which one is it? I’m asking that question rhetorically. I don’t really care about this awful woman in any way.

Mimi and her friends have a cooking party. Some middle aged man walks in late with another group of little girls. They come in shouting “what’s up Mimi!” I guess maybe these are her cousins or something. They each give Mimi a hug. One little girl with an afro appears to be the spokesperson.

She’s dressed kind of sloppily. I think she’s wearing an undershirt. Where are these girls’ mothers and why would they let them appear on this trashy show? Mimi cries and hugs Shaunie. “You’re going to hang out with us backstage,” sloppy little girl says. Uh, wait a minute. What the hell is going on here? Backstage? Is this Mindless Behavior? These are little boys?

Oh man, the little sloppy one is Princeton! People may have said that my beloved New Edition weren’t attractive boys, but at least they looked like boys. These kids not only look like little girls, they look like raggedy little girls. Put on some clothes. Ralph Tresvant’s Members Only jacket and rat tail were always on point. Can Princeton say the same? I think not.

Shaunie takes Mimi to the concert. There’s lots of squealing from hordes of children. “Those little girls know every word to every song,” Shaunie says. What are the words? Better yet, what are the songs? I have never heard of these little garbage pail kids before. Mimi is backstage watching the concert.

Wow, this is a lot for a 10-year-old. I wonder how Shaunie will top this next year when this kid won’t care who Mindless Behavior is. You know what I got for my 10th birthday? Ten dollars, a Janet Jackson single on vinyl and a pink Polaroid Cool Cam with its own Velcro carrying case and matching sunglasses. That was an awesome birthday. I don’t know what happened to my Janet album, but I still have that Cool Cam. Thanks Mom. Mindless Behavior brings Mimi on stage. “Everybody say, ‘Happy Birthday Mimi,’” one of them says.

The crowd obeys and repeats him. I’ll be honest, these Mindless Behavior kids scare me. They’re weird looking. They don’t look like any other boy band I knew and loved. I think they may be a family of trolls or something. I don’t want to look at them anymore. Shaunie is happy. “I was told I was the best mom in the whole world,” Shaunie says. How come Shaunie’s scenes are like this and the rest of the Basketball Wives are forced to do fake happy hours to fight and talk about people?

Speaking of, Royce, Suzie and Tami get together for drinks. Ugh! Is this almost over? “Tonight I’m getting together with Royce and Suzie because I need [Suzie] to understand the comment she made about me at Shaunie’s birthday really offended me.”

Gee, I think repeatedly calling Suzie the b-word at the party may have tipped her off, Tami. Before Tami even says anything, Suzie begins to grovel. “Before you start, I want to say I’m really sorry,” Suzie says. “I respect you, I care about you. I didn’t mean it. I hate hurting people that I really care about. I really do.” Grow a spine, Suzie. “I needed her to understand where I was coming from,” Tami says. “If she didn’t, she was going to get popped in her face.” Suddenly, Tami is Shahrazad Ali. They hug.

The cast, minus Royce and plus Sakara go out to dinner. Evelyn says she will confront Kenya. “Just don’t pick up a bottle and throw it at her head,” Suzie says. I would call that was foreshadowing, had I not already seen the ignorant previews a dozen times. Shaunie compliments Kesha. “You look good,” Shaunie says. “Thanks,” Kesha says. I’m sorry,

I missed the next few minutes because I was watching a Living Single repeat and forgot to turn back to this garbage. Uh, let’s see. Kesha is still talking. “Kenya and I kind of got into it,” Kesha says. “Just to prove that I’m not a liar, Sakara was there.” Sakara again tells the tired tale of Kenya calling Evelyn loose. This is so stupid. “They asked us about every girl so we went down the line,” Kenya says. “You did too,” she says to Sakara. “I didn’t judge anybody,” Sakara says.

It doesn’t sound like Kenya did either. Sounds like she was calling it like she saw it. “Do you know me,” Evelyn asks Kenya. Evelyn is looking particularly greasy and she’s wearing a vest with what look like Brussels sprouts all over on it. I’m thinking she put Vaseline all over her face in anticipation of a fight.

“Let me tell you what’s the difference between me and most [expletive],” Evelyn says. “I admit to the [expletive] I done, okay?” I admit to the [expletive] stuff and it is what it is. I don’t hide behind [expletive] closets. Evelyn’s nostrils are expanding increasingly.

I think Evelyn’s nostrils should come with an accompanying terror alert level chart like at the Department of Homeland Security. Dime size: General risk of getting called the b-word; Nickel size: Elevated risk of drink being thrown; Quarter size: High risk of being lunged at; Half dollar size: Severe risk of bottle being thrown at head.

“If you don’t like me, too bad [expletive],” Evelyn says. “Don’t smile in my [expletive] face!” “I don’t even know you,” Kenya says. “Exactly,” Evelyn says. “So why speak on something you don’t know? You’re fake! You look crazy as hell.” No Evelyn, you’re the one who looks crazy. You look like a greasy lunatic. “You try looking like Jennifer,” Evelyn says. “Your weave is starting to look like Tami’s.”

Tami makes a face that looks similar to Boo Radley’s when Scout finds him hiding behind the door. “Like I said, I don’t remember,” Kenya says. Greasy Evelyn takes her earrings off. “Did you [expletive] say it or did you not,” she says. What difference does it make? How old are these people? Evelyn gets up, takes a sip of her mojito and lunges after Kenya. Tami steps in between them and grabs Evelyn. Evelyn somehow manages to grab a bottle of wine off the shelf and hurls it at Kenya. A man steps in and puts Evelyn on the ground. “Why y’all stop me all the [expletive] time,” Evelyn asks.

You know what? I hope all of that was fake. I hope that wine bottle was a prop and I hope that Evelyn was just portraying a violent, classless loser. Because God forbid that that bottle had actually hit Kenya. What if it had hit one of the patrons or employees in the restaurant? What if a piece of glass had hit a child dining in the restaurant with its parents? Then what? I think things would get very real very quickly for Shaunie and the rest of these idiots. They’re very lucky that nothing has happened so far.

I don’t even remember seeing the ignorant previews for next week. I’m in too much shock over what I just watched. Until next week. …The End.

M.T. Wiseman is a freelance journalist located in the Washington Metropolitan area. She is a reality show junkie, but draws the line at anything Kardashian related. Follow her on Twitter @mtwiseman.

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