On this episode of “Basketball Wives,” Evelyn and Tami turn on Kenya, Kesha and Kenya have a confrontation and Jennifer stays above it all.
Dad: Yeah, let me know what everybody says about my blog.
Me: You don’t have a blog. You don’t even know how to turn on a computer.
Back at Shaunie’s birthday party, we relive the confrontation between Evelyn and Jennifer. Evelyn hits Jennifer in the head with her purse and shouts a bunch of ignorance as she’s escorted outside. A group of middle aged women sit at a nearby table looking horrified. God, this is embarrassing. Let me just say that I envy all of you who don’t have to watch this show.
I just want the [expletive] to just scrap it up, Tami says. Forgive her. Her life is so empty. Shaunie stands outside with Evelyn and some girl named Nia. Evelyn says that Nia is one of her best friends and so Jennifer became friends with Nia. But now that Evelyn and Jennifer are no longer friends, Nia and Jennifer are no longer friends. Yeah, first grade.
“My goal is to keep Jen safe because at this point, I know Evelyn will hurt her,” Shaunie says. What? Isn’t it her obligation to keep these people safe? She’s the executive producer of this trash. If anything, she has the power to regulate these women’s behavior, but she doesn’t.
“[Expletive] hah,” says Nia in an accent that only Fran Drescher could love. Not only do I find her accent horrible, I find fault with her parents for naming her Nia, but pronouncing her name like “Ny-ah.” Go somewhere and sit down, Nia.
Evelyn says that she’s going to wait around the corner of the restaurant to hide and pretend like she left. Yeah, just one thing genius. You’ve got a camera crew following you. I think the boom mike might be a dead giveaway. Who does this? All of this anger for what, a blog? In that case, I’m headed to Quiznos for lunch. Is Evelyn going to be waiting around the corner for me? Should I take a professional athlete with low standards with me just to distract her?
Inside the restaurant, Jennifer is still shaken. “They need to get her the [expletive] out of here,” Jennifer says about Evelyn. “I’m not dealing with that [expletive].” I don’t blame her. This is so stupid. Kenya attempts to console Evelyn. Wait a minute. Kenya? Where did she come from? She just popped up like a meerkat. “I had a best friend since fifth grade,” Kenya says. “And we’ve been through a whole bunch of [expletive]. Everyone tries to ignore Kenya. She continues. “She loves you and she’s hurt.”
Why is Kenya talking to these people? “Evelyn just doesn’t want to hear it,” Tami says in an interview. “She sees blood and she wants Jen.” This is so ridiculous. A car comes around and they throw Evelyn’s ignorant behind in it. “It was entertaining,” Tami says. I don’t think there’s a car for Tami. She’s probably taking the bus home. That transfer is only good for another hour.
Suzie pays Jennifer a visit. Suzie brings up the subject of the birthday party. “Surround me with calmness please,” Jennifer says. I approve of the new zen-Jen. She has her moments, but she’s a lot more tolerable without Evelyn by her side.
“You know what’s crazy,” Suzie asks. “All them damned toasts!” I agree. Jennifer is confused by Evelyn’s actions. “So why are you constantly making all these little jabs at me,” Jennifer asks. “Why am I always on your mind?” Seriously.
For Evelyn to be getting married, she sure is worried a lot about what Jennifer is doing. Suzie says she’s hopeful for reconciliation. “I just can’t believe it got that bad,” Suzie says. “I don’t feel the need to be a friend with someone who wants to hit me or throw something at me,” Jennifer says.
Thank you! How could anyone want to be on this show? My blood pressure would be so high. Why work somewhere where you’re nervous that any minute someone will call you a B-word and throw a drink in your face? At least they were pretending on “Dynasty.” Jennifer tells Suzie that she has much more important things to worry about than Evelyn. Namely, her divorce from her husband. “Let me get through that first,” Jennifer says. “I don’t really know what life holds for me now. My life has been turned sort of upside-down.” I suggest leaving this show, Jennifer. Immediately.
Evelyn and Suzie meet for whatever. Suzie says she wants to keep the focus of the conversation off of Shaunie’s party and on Kesha. Why? “This girl is like a frazzled emotional mess,” Suzie says to Evelyn. “You and Tami have her breaking out in cold sores.” See! This show should come with a warning from the Surgeon General. “I felt a little bad for her that she’s just going to sit there taking it,” Suzie says.
We see a flashback of Tami inflicting her ignorance on Kesha. “She was just a corpse sitting there,” Evelyn says. You know who looks like a corpse sitting there? Evelyn, in her interviews. She’s wearing an ill-fitting tank top, a side porch plait and this garish green glittery eye shadow that could have only been applied by mortician in training, Phaedra Parks. Suzie tells Evelyn that Kesha felt disrespected by both Evelyn and Tami. “How did I dis’respeck hah,” Evelyn asks. I know one damned thing. That accent is disrespecting my hearing. “Well I guess you’ll be setting up this conversation,” Evelyn tells Suzie. Do they ever just talk over the phone? It would save a lot of time and drinks.
Royce and Suzie venture over to Kesha’s place. Kesha is making dinner for them, but we only see them sit around and eat pickles. Whatever. Kesha and Royce ask Suzie about Shaunie’s birthday dinner. Royce says she heard that Jennifer got hit with a clutch purse. “That would’ve made me pull out my popcorn,” Royce says. Shut up. Suzie tells Kesha that Evelyn is open to meeting with her.
Who is Evelyn supposed to be? The Don of the groupie mafia? Suzie has to arrange sit-down meetings with this woman? “Is she trying to fight me?” Kesha asks. It’s a valid question. “Can you fight?” Royce asks Kesha. “If I had to,” Kesha says. “Girl, I’m a dancer.” I really don’t know what that has to do with being able to fight. Did she think this was going to be like the “Beat It” video?
Evelyn and Tami meet for drinks. Tami tells Evelyn that she heard a radio interview featuring Kenya where the host spoke poorly of the women on the show. “All Kenya did was laugh,” Tami says. We’re treated to a clip of the show. It’s hilarious. “They called us everything but a child of God,” Tami says. Coming from the woman who proudly called Kesha the B-word three times in succession. She has some nerve.
“If you want to play the game of we don’t have each other’s back, you’re the one who’s going to be sore,” Tami says. I have no idea what that means. Why should Kenya have her back? “It reminded me of the night I had the confrontation with Kesha,” Tami says.
We see a flashback of that ignorance and Kenya laughing at the whole thing. Kenya walks in. “We were just chatting about you,” Evelyn says. “I wanted to talk to you about an interview someone sent me,” Tami says to Kenya. First of all, who is that much of a loser that they have enough time on their hands to be e-mailing these people? I doubt anybody e-mailed her. I think Tami Googled herself at the public library and found the interview all on her own.
“It’s our obligation to stand up for us,” Tami says. “I don’t know you from a can of paint.” So Kenya is supposed to stick up for someone she barely knows? Dumb. “This [expletive] is not funny,” Tami says. “I felt violated.” Um…I really, I just can’t with these people. I’m at a loss for words. This tacky, ignorant woman, who has physically assaulted some members of this show and verbally attacked the others on several occasions, feels violated by a radio interview. I’m done. They can’t call this trash reality television. They just can’t. Nothing about this is real.
You know what? If you want to see some quality television, please venture over to AMC and check out the show, Mad Men. There’s real talent there. Not only in the writing, but the acting as well. John Slattery and Jon Hamm, who is unaware that he’s my fiancé, are phenomenal. I’m getting beside myself.
Back to the garbage. Kenya says the women are just really getting to know who she is. Evelyn goes on one of her expanded nostril rampages where she looks down at the table the whole time. “How could you be one way when we’re sitting here having this discussion,” Evelyn asks. “It’s like who are you?” At this point, who Kenya is, is the only member of this cast who is an actual basketball wife.
I think that’s why they’re all so bothered by her. “We don’t know what to believe,” Evelyn says. “I think a powwow needs to happen. We don’t know who to believe.” Is this seriously a plot line? I implore you all, watch “Mad Men.” My fiancé would appreciate it.
Jennifer, Kesha and Suzie play tennis. “I’m very interested in seeing Jen play tennis because I’ve never seen her in anything but seven inch heels,” Kesha says. Now that she mentions it, Jennifer does look sort of awkward in tennis shoes. The trio attempts to play tennis.
They’re awful, but at least they’re doing something other than sitting around throwing drinks. Suzie talks to Kesha about the upcoming sit down with Don Evelyn. “I think this is your chance to voice your side of the story,” Suzie says. Jennifer offers her own advice to Kesha. “I think it’s one of those things where you kind of agree to disagree,” she says. “That’s what mature [expletive] women do.” “I’ve never been around people like some of these ladies,” Kesha says. “I’m not used to it; therefore I don’t know how to react to it.” My reaction would be to quit.
Royce and Kenya meet for drinks. “I’ve hung out with Kesha a lot more because we have a lot more in common,” Royce says. Royce also hangs out with Kesha a lot more because half the cast won’t film with her. Royce tells Kenya that she can’t work with her in business. “Kesha was just unprofessional,” Kenya says. “I’ve never had a problem working with anyone business wise.” Royce tells Kenya that she disapproved of her laughing at Kesha while Tami berated her. “That was kind of messed up to be giggling though,” Royce says. “If we were friends, I would’ve took up for her,” Kenya says.
Kesha and Royce go to a Zumba class. They are in the class all of maybe two seconds, then leave the room to sit on the sofa to talk. “So did you see my nemesis,” Kesha asks Royce. Royce says that she did. “Kenya wants to be in so badly, that she’s willing to take a lot of abuse,” Kesha says.
I’d say the same could be true of Kesha. No way would I have sat there and had that boogie monster repeatedly call me out of my name. No ma’am. Kesha asks Royce for advice about her upcoming meeting with Don Evelyn. “Go in with an open mind, but also put your guard up,” Royce says. I can’t believe this is important to them.
Kesha finally has her sit-down with Don Evelyn. “The last time I seen Kesha, things were a little tense,” Evelyn says. “I know the last time that we like seen each other at the dinner things were like extra uncomfortable,” Evelyn says. “I know it probably didn’t’ seem like it that night, but I actually like you.” What? “The reason why I’m here is that I do believe Kenya is not who she says she is,” Evelyn says. “She’s a little off.”
Oh my God. “I’m seeing it and I seen it when I walked away from that dinner,” Evelyn says. Kesha is relieved. “It was nice to know that Evelyn saw through Kenya.” I can see right through Evelyn’s dress too. At least she’s wearing underwear. Thank goodness. “I do like you and I think we can have fun together,” Kesha says. “I do too and that’s why I’m here,” Evelyn says. Just when I thought Kesha had a lick of sense.
The two head orcs, Tami and Evelyn meet on a bridge or something. They laugh about Evelyn hitting Jennifer. “We’re going to be talking about this for a long time,” Tami says. Well, I’m not. I refuse to write about this pointless scene anymore.
The orcs meet at what I’m guessing is a pool because head orc, Evelyn is wearing a bathing suit. “I’m glad I ain’t really in this one,” Evelyn says. “Cheers,” Tami says. “These [expletive] better be ready.” Where is Gandalf when you need him? Kesha and Suzie arrive together. Suzie apologizes to Tami for making a comment about food stamps. The orcs tell Suzie to table that discussion. They’ve got a hobbit to fry.
Kenya arrives last. They all sit around looking stupid for a minute, then Kesha begins to speak. “I guess the purpose of me being here is just getting everything out in the open,” Kesha says. She and Kenya exchange barbs. “Anything I’ve said to you, I’ve said to you,” Kenya says. “You change when people walk away,” Kesha says.
“This is all you have,” Kesha says to Kenya. I’m assuming by “this,” she means the show. It’s all any of them have. “What do you have,” Kenya asks. Kesha says she has a company. “Do you have a building,” Kenya asks. Kesha says that Kenya is demented and sad. “Really,” Kenya says.
“I’m sad?” Kenya begins, with what Tami describes as the ultimate black move, and begins to remove her shoes. Kesha immediately jumps up and speaks to someone off camera. “Do not let this girl touch me,” Kesha says. “This girl will not touch me.” “Half-alien, half-man looking [expletive], Kenya says. That’s mature.
Kesha puts her purse on her arm. “I hope that you guys got some insight,” she says. Tami tells Kesha to sit down. “You won,” Kesha tells Kenya. The orcs aren’t finished. They want Kesha to tell more. “Kenya said that you were loose,” Kesha says as she points to Evelyn.
The orcs ask Kenya if that’s true. “I don’t remember exactly what I said,” Kenya says. “Everybody has said that Evelyn is loose.” Ha! “My job is done,” Kesha says. “All I know is I referenced you being a [expletive],” Kenya says. Ha! Ha! That is about the funniest thing I’ve ever heard on this show.
Some ignorant previews: Evelyn chases Kenya around with a bottle of wine. That’s all I got. Until next week…The End.
M.T. Wiseman is a freelance journalist located in the Washington Metropolitan area. She is a reality show junkie, but draws the line at anything Kardashian related.
Follow her on Twitter @mtwiseman
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