On this episode of Basketball Wives, we learn that it’s wrong to put a video on YouTube if you’re in your 30’s, but it’s okay to cheat on your spouse as long as you call them while you’re on your way to buy condoms.

From left,Jennifer Williams, Royce Reed, Erikka Moxam, Shaunie O'Neal, Evelyn Lozada, Suzie Ketchem and Gloria Govan pose together to promote their reality series, "Basketball Wives," airing on VH1. (Presscott McDonald/ASSOCIATED PRESS)

Jennifer is in her own little world now,” Evelyn says. “Soon, people are going to spray perfume in the room and she’s going to walk in.” They all cackle.

Jennifer and Suzie get manicures. “So the other night was awkward,” Suzie says. “How are you feeling?” “Fabulous,” Jennifer says. Damn it. Jennifer is wearing those ridiculous blue contacts again and this time she’s wearing enough make up to choke a clown. Pecola Breedlove much, Jen?

Suzie asks Jennifer if she understands why Evelyn is upset. “Was it about the blog,” Suzie asks. “I said we don’t date the same type of people,” Jennifer says. “None of us date the same type of people. I’m worried about my own vagina.You should do the same.” Crass but true. She should offer the same advice to Suzie. “You’re going to punch me in my face over a blog,” Jennifer says. “You’ve got too much time on your hands.” I have to agree with Pecola on that one.

Royce is meeting with her publicist to, as she says, “discuss business.” She can barely keep a straight face while she says that.  Royce’s publicist’s name is Love Logan. I hope that’s some type of alias. She sounds like she should have a book on the display shelf next to Zane.

Love tells Royce that Royce has an upcoming meeting for a hip-hop CD. Did I hear that right? “You got me doing like all these appearances,” Royce says. “You’ve got to understand it sometimes can be overwhelming.” Is she serious? “You give me these deadlines,” Royce says. “I’m like when do I sleep?” I don’t think Royce realizes that most working adults have deadlines. My cat does more work than Royce and she sleeps 23 hours a day.

Evelyn and her sister, Sylvia, meet to discuss Evelyn’s wedding plans. “Who is going to walk me down the aisle,” Evelyn asks. “My dad is really trying,” she says. “He calls me every few days.” Since she’s answering her own questions, I’m going to assume that Evelyn forgot that her sister is in the room. Evelyn says that she only answers her father’s calls half of the time because she’s been so busy.

I think in this case, “busy” means being up under Chad as much as humanly possible.  “All I want is my brother-in-law to make this day,” Evelyn says. Evelyn reveals in an interview that Sylvia’s husband, Anthony has cancer. “If he’s not at my wedding, I will be so [expletive] up,” she says. What is it about these women having their seriously ill family members attend their weddings? I’m still disturbed by Jackie Christie skyping her ailing mother into her ridiculous wedding.

Royce auditions for a play. “I’m definitely nervous,” she says. “There’s a lot of other women vying for the same spot.” Well that is the groupie motto isn’t it? Royce says that she has a degree in theater education and humanities and that she’s been acting and dancing since childhood. “I’ve dreamt about it for a long time,” Royce says.

I used to dream that Janet Jackson was my big sister and she would one day put me in a remix of the Pleasure Principle video.” Then I turned 10. It’s nice to have dreams, but there comes a time to get a real job. Royce reads some weird script with another actor. She’s kind of terrible. I have no idea what this is. Is this a church play?

The casting agent looks like this guy who tried to sell me some food stamps in Giant the other day. “I take direction very well,” Royce says. “It’s not hard for me to step out of being Royce and being another character.” Royce, you can’t even read the script they give you for Basketball Wives. You’re kind of long in the tooth to be having these dreams of being the next Angela Bassett.

Evelyn meets with her mother who is also named Sylvia. “I’m not going to have bridesmaids,” Evelyn says. “I just want our kids to walk down the aisle.” Well then thanks to Chad, this is going to be a long ceremony. Evelyn’s mother tells her that she thinks Anthony should walk Evelyn down the aisle. “I’m surprised I didn’t disagree,” Evelyn says. “He’s like my brother.”

Jennifer and Suzie meet up. They immediately begin to discuss Kesha and Kenya. “Its’ a little bit too early for them to be talking [expletive] about people,” Jennifer says. Because of course, that’s Jennifer’s job. There’s a flashback to the last episode where Kenya called Jennifer bougie. “Okay how was I bougie,” Jennifer asks. “Was it the way I was dressed?” She was wearing a Captain Caveman vest, so I don’t think so.

For no apparent reason, Suzie shows Jennifer a YouTube video featuring Kenya. “So we YouTube Kenya and see her acting like a wild animal,” Suzie says. “I’m like oh my God.” The irony of this situation is that Suzie is calling someone a wild animal while she’s wearing a cheetah print tunic and a lime green scrunchie.

Kesha meets with Kenya at some club named Juliet. Kenya wants to shoot a music video. Kesha says that Juliet is a “hot club” and that the owner is a good friend of hers. Kenya walks in with a motley crew of weirdos that she refers to as her team of New Yorkers and Detroiters.

I’m going to go out on a limb and assume the one with the bright red pair of Sally Jesse Raphael glasses is from Detroit. He looks like MC Serch. MC Sally Jesse if you will. “They’re helping me make this video happen,” Kenya says.

A curt blonde woman, named Amanda meets with Kenya and her merry band of weirdos. Amanda is identified as the manager of the club. “Typically, we get a thousand dollars an hour,” Amanda says. Someone, I think MC Sally Jesse, asks if it’s negotiable. Amanda shakes her head and gives him the gas face.

“That’s actually a good deal,”she says. William, Kenya’s brother and manager, looks up in the air and pretends to calculate a thousand dollars times the amount of hours they’ll be in the club. “Okay so one-thousand...,” he says. William is fooling no one.

My mom pulls that same move when she pretends like she’s going to cover the tip when I take her to the Outback. “I’m an independent artist,” Kenya says. “So I’m not trying to spend $8,000.” Amanda says she hopes they can work together and then bids Kenya and her crew farewell.

Kenya, Kesha, Royce and Suzie meet at a restaurant named Il Bastardo which makes me laugh. Suzie is very excited to talk about Kenya’s YouTube videos. “Did you see them,” she asks the other women. “She looked possessed! That crap gave me nightmares. It’s horrible.”

Same reviews I give this show, Suzie. “How old are you,” Suzie asks Kenya. Kenya says she’s 35. Suzie looks up in the air like William and my mom, pretending that she can add. “What is the point of putting yourself on YouTube in your 30’s,” Suzie asks. Royce says that Suzie needs to tone it down. “I think you should be careful,” Kenya says. “You’re talking about millions of people.” Suzie goes off. “I don’t give a [expletive] about millions of people,” she says. “I don’t give a [expletive] what they think about me!”

I don’t believe a word of Suzie’s rampage. She’s totally looking down at the table the entire time. Royce starts rubbing her temples and singing Negro spirituals. I tried that while watching this show before. It doesn’t work.

Kesha meets Royce at the gym to pretend to exercise. They both have full faces of make-up and coiffed weaves. Can we stop this farce already? Just have these fools meet in a boxing ring like they do on Basketball Wives L.A. Before Kenya arrives, Kesha uses the time as an opportunity to talk about her to Royce. “She doesn’t know anything,” Kesha says. “They need help.”

Kenya walks in. Kesha asks Kenya how the meeting at Juliet went. Wasn’t she there? “Well their price was like astronomical,” Kenya says. They ask Kenya if she has a wardrobe. “Yeah that’s another thing,” Kenya says. “Kenya,” Royce screams. “Like, girl!” Kesha tells Kenya that she’s nervous for her. “I feel like you’re not prepared,” she says.

Kenya says in an interview that she felt like she was being slapped in the face. “You guys are so pessimistic,” Kenya says. “You’re comparing my video to an artist that’s established,” Kenya says. “That’s not the video I’m making.”  “Well then Juliet is not the place to shoot it,” Kesha says. “The hottest place in New York is not the place to shoot it.”

Who talks like this? Who describes anything as “the hottest?” Especially a nightclub. Kesha’s been watching too many Brat Pack movies. “The hottest place in New York is not the place to shoot a mediocre video,” Kesha says. “It’s not a mediocre video,” Kenya says.

This is so stupid. I feel like I’m watching that Beverly Hills 90210 slumber party at Brenda’s house where they ganged up on Andrea Zuckerman. “I can’t be involved in something that’s not professionally done,” Kesha says. And she’s on Basketball Wives? Kesha sounds like such a poseur and I want her to shut up. Why is she so invested in what Kenya does?

Evelyn and Suzie meet for dinner. I’m sure I wasted about three minutes of time and brain cells watching this scene, but for the life of me, I can’t recall what happened. If Will Smith and Tommy Lee Jones erased my memory of this, I’m eternally grateful.

Tami and Royce meet at the park. Tami is wearing a new curly weave. She’s chewing gum with her mouth open. Tami looks like she smells like a combination of Freedent and Kool 100s. “Things are getting more serious between Desmond and I,” Royce says.  “It’s causing a rift between me and my dad.”

Royce says that her boyfriend Desmond plays for the Tampa Bay Buccaneers and that he’s a lot younger than she is. “You sure you want to deal with that,” Tami asks. “And you’re not pregnant are you?” “Royce says that she’s not pregnant but to give her a year. I hope Desmond knows about this. “That’s too soon,” Tami says. “You sound like my dad,” Royce says. “That’s why we’re not on speaking terms.” He probably gave her too many deadlines.

Royce meets with Love Logan again. “Despite how you must feel,” Love says. “You got the part in ‘Plantano and Collard Greens.’” I don’t know what’s funnier. The name of that bootleg play, or the fact that the editors had to caption Love saying the name of that bootleg play. Love tells Royce that she’ll be in five shows per weekend in New York.

Royce calls her brother, Ryan. She puts on this weird baby voice. “I got the part in the play I auditioned for,” she tells him. “Congratulations,” Ryan says with little to no enthusiasm. Royce asks her brother to put their father on the phone.

“Hi Dad,” she says with the baby voice. I know you’re like mad at me, but I wanted to let you know that I got the play I auditioned for in New York. “Mmm hmm” says her dad. Hilarious! “I just wanted to let you know,” Royce says. “Alright,” he says. Royce sighs. She says her father’s reaction hurt her. His reaction has now made Royce’s father my favorite member of this cast.

In Miami, Evelyn goes to talk to Chad. They kiss. I vomit. Evelyn says that there are a lot of rumors going around on social networks that are affecting her relationship with Chad. I would expect to have written that about two teenagers.

“I definitely need to get to the bottom of this [expletive],” Evelyn says. Chad sits down and smokes a cigar.  I’ll bet he smells like Kool 100s too. “So, I’m sure your Twitter followers have kept you updated on everything that’s going on the blogs,” Evelyn says. “What do you have to say about it?”

I really hate transcribing anything Chad has to say, mostly because I can’t understand a word of it, but here goes. “As we get closer and closer to the wedding, [expletive] come out the woodwork, Chad says. I think that’s what he said.

Evelyn says that there are always rumors about her or Chad cheating. “It’s a part of what my life is now,” she says. A life that she signed up for willingly. “Everybody’s your homegirl,” Evelyn says. “I don’t want to deal with that [expletive]. I’m not saying that you need to live in a box, but I’m sorry, you need to live in a box.” What?

Chad tells Evelyn that he’s a work in progress. Her nostrils flare to golf ball size again. “All I know is you need to get it together,” she says. “You about to get married in six months.” Chad says that he did a 180. “That’s halfway,” he says. What? Is he studying math with Suzie and William? “I’m working on being a dude but minor mishaps...” I really don’t know what else he said. At this point, I’d just be guessing. “I’ve lived this life,” Evelyn says.

“So for me to sit up here and think ‘oh Evelyn just got the best [expletive] in the [expletive] world, he ain’t looking nowhere else.’ I’m lying to myself.” “You got some good [expletive] though,” Chad says. Evelyn laughs. Oh my God. Who raised these people? Barnyard animals? How can you be a parent and speak like this on national television? I feel so badly for their children. This woman has a teenage daughter. “What do we have to do with our relationship being able to stay together,” Chad asks.

Evelyn cries. “I don’t want to end up like everybody else,” she says. “Everyone else wants us to fail.” “It’s going to be new to me,” Chad says. “But how do we do it? How do we survive?” Oh my God. No one cares! You two are not Mildred and Richard Loving. Just two attention starved reality show participants who are hopefully on your last seconds of your 15 minutes of fame.

“I want you to be 100 with me and tell me,” Evelyn says.  “I’d rather know.” I’d rather know too, because I have no idea what she’s talking about. “Eh man look,” Chad says. “I’m on the road. What’s up?” Is there anyone out there who speaks this man’s language? I need an English to Tool translator.  

“Tell me,” Evelyn says. “Go to the pharmacy and get condoms!” Chad looks like he can’t believe what he just heard. “I’mma be sick like a [expletive], Evelyn says. “But what else can I do but respect you?” Respect him? For not being able to control himself while he’s traveling for his job? She’s telling him it’s okay to cheat on her as long as he wears a condom and calls her? This is so pathetic.

Evelyn’s eyes are bulging. Her nostrils are flared like a Brahma bull. She looks absolutely manic. At this point, I think if she wanted to inhale Chad, to keep him close, she would. Chad, granted you don’t present yourself to be a very bright man, but I hope that your advisors will encourage you to make this desperate woman sign a prenuptial agreement.

Seeing just how far he can push this, Chad asks Evelyn for something else. “You know E, I think we should go out some time,” he says. “If I see somebody I like, I think we should bring her home.” Seriously? “But how about if I don’t like her,” Evelyn asks.

My God, this is sad. Chad says something else about a man’s discipline, but I really don’t have the energy to translate. It’s just depressing at this point. Evelyn says that she knows what she’s getting herself into by marrying an athlete. I’m pretty sure she hopes she’s getting into lots of money. And very likely, something that she can’t get rid of.

Until next week...The End.

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