The Real Housewives of Atlanta are back. I have to confess that I’m not really a fan of this show. No particular reason why. I guess I can only allow a certain amount of hollering and ignorance into my life at one time and Basketball Wives uses up the majority of that allotment.  

Back to the show. Someone is driving a Cadillac Escalade. If you’re expecting a head of state to be in the passenger seat, you’ll be sorely disappointed. Inside is a very pregnant Kim Zolciak. “Ohhh,” she moans. “My boobs are so saggy and heavy.” I can tell right away that I’m going to spend the next forty five minutes of my life being disgusted and feverishly hitting the mute button.

Kim’s assistant, Sweetie is in the truck with her. Sweetie is wearing an insane amount of make-up including foundation that is about eight shades lighter than her actual skin color. Outside, moving furniture, is the father of Kim’s fetus, Kroy.  “When I first met Kroy at Sheree’s Dancing with the Stars event, I had no idea we’d fall in love,” Kim says. It should be noted that Kroy is 25-years-old and plays professional football for the Atlanta Falcons. I’m sure that was a factor.

Kim is moving her things into Kroy’s house. She says she likes his place because it has ample space to store her wigs. “He’s so big and strong,” Kim says. “Get him Tiger!” Mute button!

 “I’m glad my man’s a man,” Kim says. As opposed to her last relationship that was with a woman, I guess.  “Big Poppa would just pay someone to move the furniture,” she says. Big Poppa is likely about 30 years older than Kroy and also married to another woman. I doubt he’d be physically moving anybody’s furniture into his home. No less his mistress’ furniture.

Kim and Sweetie admonish Kroy for not having Kim’s songs “Tardy for the Party” and “The Ring Didn’t Mean a Thing” as ringtones on his cell phone. “My ring will mean something,” Kroy says. If only he’d known the NuvaRing would’ve meant so much more.  

Nene, now with a new short platinum blonde hairstyle, takes her son Bryson car shopping. Bryson wrecked his last car and now wants a Range Rover. “It’s necessary that Bryson have a car,” Nene says. Wreck a car, get a car? I’m not sure where the lesson is in this.  

Bryson inquires about the Chevrolet Impala. “I don’t like the Impala,” Nene says. “It’s just so ghetto.” And she should know. “Everybody’s driving around with their pants hanging down,” she says. How is it humanly possible to see that?

The owner of the dealership comes out to greet Nene. She reveals that they used to date. “I’ve been married 13 years,” he tells her. “You must’ve broke up with me and found her,” Nene says. She’s the only one who finds that hilarious.

Bryson test drives a red Dodge. “What I plan to do is pay cash for the car,” Nene says. She hopes to get a discount because of her affiliation with the owner. “Can you help a sister out,” she asks. They sell her the car for $13,500. Judging by the way the camera zoomed in on the Dodge logo while the car was in motion, somehow, I don’t believe Nene paid a dime for this car. It felt like I was practically watching a Dodge commercial.

Sheree arrives at a recording studio to hear Lawrence sing. He’s screaming something into the microphone about being sick of it. “You sound good,” Sheree says. No he doesn’t. She asks to read the words. “I’m coming from an angry place,” Lawrence says. “She’s over it!” He screams again. Boy, do I miss Luther Vandross.

Sheree tells Lawrence about her new feud with Nene. According to Sheree, she tried to bring Nene into an event with her and Nene went behind her back in order to get more money for herself. “The heifer tried to backdoor me,” Sheree says. Sheree says Nene’s recent appearance on The Celebrity Apprentice has gone to her head. “I think that gave her an ego boost,” she says.

Sheree says she will schedule a meeting with Nene to discuss the incident. “I need to be at that meeting,” Lawrence says. “I need to be the referee honey. You over it honey.” I sure am.

Cynthia meets with J. “Ms. J.” Alexander of America’s Next Top Model (ANTM) fame.  “The real diva has come to Atlanta,” Cynthia says. I really wish J. would ditch the relaxer. It makes him look so homely.  Cynthia says she knows J. from her days as a young model. In a made for television conversation, J. asks Cynthia about what she’s been up to. Wouldn’t he know that if he’s appearing on this show?  “I moved to Atlanta a couple of years ago,” Cynthia says. “My modeling career is still making money,” she says. It is.  

For the past 20 years, I’ve consistently seen Cynthia’s gorgeous face in every unsolicited clothing catalog sent to my house. Even the plus size ones. Cynthia is nowhere near plus size, but a job is a job. I’m not plus size either, but I bought one pair of wide width shoes three years ago and now my mailbox stays swollen with One Stop Plus catalogs. As if it wasn’t jam packed already with Watchtowers from the little old ladies who can’t understand why I don’t want to hear the good news.

“What I really want to do is run my own agency,” Cynthia says. J. tells her that Atlanta is just not a fashion city. “After Paris and Milan, what made you move to Atlanta,” he asks. He says the word Atlanta as if it rhymed with feces or dandruff. Atlanta’s cool. Hard to find a restaurant that serves turkey bacon, but it’s a fun town.

“I met someone,” Cynthia says. She changes the subject. “I’m really excited about opening my agency,” she says. “I thought it’d be really great for Ms. J to come down.” Cynthia says her agency will be for models aged 11 to 35. “I’m going to do product placement,” she says. “Ooh child, look at that,” J. says.

The camera focuses on someone’s rear end in a pair of very short shorts walking vigorously across the street to Cynthia’s agency. “I got to bail these [expletive] out,” J. says.  I really hate how comfortable people seem using the B-word especially when it comes to black women. But I digress. “That was one of the better ones,” Cynthia says.

Phaedra is at a funeral home with her cousins, Mia and Vivian and her mother, Pastor Regina Bell, not to be confused with the R&B chanteuse. Phaedra greets her family and says she wishes she was seeing them under better circumstances. Her great aunt has passed away. “As an attorney, I usually get called in by the family whenever anyone passes away,” she says. The family meets with Willie Watkins, the funeral director. Mr. Watkins suggests they send Auntie out in style with a funeral procession decked out in top hats and featuring horn players. “Would you like to have the doves,” he asks.

Phaedra says that Mr. Watkins has buried some of Atlanta’s most famous people, including Coretta Scott King. He shows them carriages. “Which one did you carry Mrs. King in,” Phaedra asks. I don’t really think this is about her aunt anymore.

Mr. Watkins shows the women a hearse with flashing lights. “Alright now, I changed my mind,” Phaedra says. The family shows excitement. “Ooh that’s nice,” one of the cousins says. “Oh mane! “Everybody knows, I’m known for the most fabulous things in life,” Phaedra says. I wasn’t aware of that. Did everyone know that but me?

Cynthia and J. go to Cynthia’s modeling agency.  Cynthia says she has more students than expected. There are more actors pretending to be students there than I expected.

J. demonstrates to the class the type of runway walks to avoid. There is the “white girl shopping mall” walk. He sways his arms from side to side and twirls around. It’s pretty funny. He then demonstrates what he describes as the “black girl who just knows everything” walk.  He puts his hands on his hips and sashays down the runway. Hey, I have a couple of friends who walk just like that. “None of that,” J. says. “Keep it simple. Keep it clean.”

He gives the class a pep talk. “It’s your job to open a new fashion place here in Atlanta,” he says. “Why not make New York come to you?” Jay leaves. I kind of miss him already. I loved that first season of ANTM where he put on a pair of heels and taught the girls how to work a catwalk. I’d watch a show that solely focuses on him training models.

Phaedra and Sheree wait for Kandi at a store full of sex toys. Phaedra says Kandi is on C.P. time. “That would be Colored People’s time,” Phaedra tells us. Thanks Phaedra.

Kandi arrives. In an interview, she discusses her sex focused radio show. Being a single parent, you need to have multiple sources of income,” she says. You sure do. You’re going to need a lot of money to pay for the therapy your kid is going to need after she sees her mother selling vibrators on national television.

The women make jokes while holding the toys. “This is nice looking stuff,” Sheree says. Store owner, Michael comes over to show them more of the merchandise. I don’t even think I’m allowed to describe the next couple of minutes of this, so I’m just going to move on to Kim.

Kim is lying in bed. “Sweetieeee!” she screams. Sweetie, again wearing her gallon of make-up, walks in and joins Kim in bed. I can only imagine that bed smells of cigarettes and White Diamonds. Sweetie complains that her job is a lot more difficult now. “I have to take the trash out, carry boxes,” she says. “At least Kroy sits in the bed with me.” Say What? Sweetie walks out.

Both Kim’s daughters as well as her dog, Chanel, join her in bed. I’d probably cringe at the dog being on the sheets, but she’s so adorable and it’s not my bed. Sweetie walks back in the bedroom with a plate of food. Did you put that plate in the microwave,” Kim asks Sweetie. “Let me just tell you something, that’s real gold you [expletive]. I wonder how much Sweetie gets paid, because ain’t no way.

Kim calls Kroy on speakerphone. Everyone on the bed talks to him. At that moment, I get a glimpse of what this 25-year-old man has taken on. A foul mouthed, wig wearing, chain smoker who does a whole lot of nothing, her two children, her dog, her assistant, a camera crew and a whole list of problems. I don’t feel sorry for him. “Give Daddy kisses,” Kim tells Chanel. Chanel instead hangs up on Kroy by licking the phone. She just got even more adorable to me.

At Nene’s house, her youngest son Brentt, and his friend play outside. The friend is positioned on top of the basketball hoop. “Brentt wants me to alleyoop him,” he says.  I have a feeling someone is going to be scraping this little boy off the asphalt in a couple of minutes.

Nene is none too concerned. She’s got bigger fish to fry. “[Expletive] how I’mma take money out YO damn pocket,” she shrieks into the phone. Did I mention she’s outside? Her poor neighbors. “I’ve been knowing Sheree for a lawng time,” she tells Cynthia. I’m assuming it’s Cynthia on the other end of the phone.

The other person could barely get a word in edgewise. In another effort of product placement, Nene walks over and carefully sits on the hood of Bryson’s new car so that the Dodge emblem is visible again. She shoots hoops with the boys. “Woosh,” she says. Bye.

At her aunt’s funeral, Phaedra says a few words. The pastor, dressed in a top hat releases a dove that will likely be killed by a hawk the same day. My favorite part was the pomp and circumstance,” Phaedra says. I don’t think I’ve ever had a favorite part of a lying a dead person to rest.

Mia hugs and thanks Phaedra. “After seeing how well everything went today, I think this is something I could enjoy,” Phaedra says in an interview. “I think I may have found my new calling.”  As she walks away from Mia, Phaedra wipes away what I assumed to be a tear, but she was actually just reapplying one of her false eyelashes that happened to be falling off.

Nene arrives at a wine bar to meet Sheree.  “Sheree is jealous of me, I know that for a fact,” Nene says.  “But we need to come to some mutual ground.” Nene orders wine for herself and for Sheree who has yet to arrive. When Sheree walks in, Nene tells her she ordered a drink for her. “Try it you might like it,” Nene says. I suggest you not drink that Sheree.  Sheree says Nene’s success has gone to her head.

“I have no intention of getting out of character with you,” Nene says. Sheree describes the events leading up to their feud. “When we were going to Philly, I got a call from Tyrone,” she says. “Later that day, Tyrone called.” Nene starts screaming, but I can’t really decipher what she’s saying.

“Black women,” Sheree says. “This is the problem.” “Here we go Star Jones,” Nene says, referring to her Celebrity Apprentice competitor. “Black women!” Nene asks Sheree how long she’s known Tyrone. Sheree calls Tyrone from her cell phone. “You can call whoever you want to,” Nene shouts.

Nene then calls her assistant Diana simultaneously. Both Tyrone and Diana are on speakerphone. Tyrone says that Nene did call him directly. Nene and Sheree shout over each other while Tyrone and Diana are both still on the phone. “I can’t really hear what you’re saying,” Tyrone says.

But at this point, both women are shouting so loud at each other that I think they’ve forgotten their phones are even on. I feel sorry for any patrons who may be dining at that restaurant.  

 “I am very rich [expletive],” Nene tells Sheree as she stands over her. “Donald Trump money!”I don’t know why Nene keeps mentioning Donald Trump’s name. Didn’t he call her a loser for quitting his show? I’m surprised considering his self-proclaimed very good relationship with “the blacks.”

She loves him so much she copied his hairstyle. “What you don’t understand is that while you were running your mouth, I was running to the bank.” This sounds like such a fourth grader’s argument. I remember when I used to say “don’t roll your eyes at me; I’ll roll them on the floor.” Then I turned 10.

Sheree’s veins pop out of her neck like The Incredible Hulk and I get nervous. You need to fix the rest of your [expletive] teeth,” Sheree says. I knew you when you had the rotten teeth. Nene leaves the wine bar. Sheree follows. Wasn’t your first car repo’d out the Home Depot parking lot” Sheree says. Was it wrong for me to laugh at that? 

Later, Nene goes to cry on Cynthia’s shoulder. The same Cynthia she mocked last season. “She chased me out the restaurant,” Nene says.  “She really beleeed this person. I never been hated on like this. I’m really upset by this meeting.” Cynthia really doesn’t say much of anything. “Once you hit below the belt, deuces baby,” Nene says. I don’t think she realizes she’s actually holding up four fingers. “I’m going to stab you in the back, I’m going to stab you in the chest!”

Previews. Kim’s gets a look at her fetus. Phaedra’s funeral home dreams. Kandi sings country. Until next week…The End.

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