Here we go! THE CAMPAIGN AD SEASON is starting! We are about to be caught in a rip-tide of campaign rhetoric, but we will not be escaping by swimming parallel to the shore. No, we will be swept out to sea and drowned in big-donor money and our lifeless, bloated body politic will wash up upon the shore of lost dreams.

I don’t know how to fix that metaphor, but I do know how to fix campaign ads. Mostly. Just ban music from them. What makes the commercials so scary, and stupid, and nauseating, and effective? The lies and distortions? Okay, those. But mainly it’s the music! Music makes the madness! Need proof? Have you seen the noble Slinky on its heroic journey through travail and adversity as it marches on to greatness and dignity? Well, here, if you haven’t. It could just as easily been remastered as the deadly, treacherous approach of Slasher-Slinky, if it had a different score.

The spooky grainy photos and diagonal headlines and intoning narrators of the ads would be as nothing without the horror music of doom behind them. And the uplifting messages of bogusity would be reduced to an actual set of words you might even be tempted to think about for a minute, without the music doing your thinking for you. Now sure, the no-music idea would be ruled unconstitutional. Although maybe not if the case was argued with the right soundtrack. Okay, fine, it’s not going to happen. But I’m going to suggest to Americans Elect, who couldn’t find a third-party candidate, that they need look no further than... Slinky, for President!