My fellow Americans, I, Barrack Obama, am your Food Stamp President. It is my sincere belief, after three years on the job, that the future of America lies in getting everyone out of their jobs and onto food stamps. After careful consideration, I have decided we do not need to have a functioning economy. This is the conclusion I have drawn from my background in the Vague Foreign Lands I hail from. So I will do everything in my power to slowly convert this new country I find myself president of into a food stamp dependency for all. It fits in with my anti-colonial program, and I plan to print the pictures of prominent world socialists on our food stamps.

As I stand here before you, reading these words I do not understand from this TeleprompTer, I want to assure you that a better American health care system can be created out of food stamps. Our crumbling infrastructure can be fixed if we apply our adhesive and plenty of food stamps. I plan to introduce food stamps as the new global currency, and to arm our growing fleets of drone aircraft with food-stamp-dropping capacity, both for use abroad and here at home.

We are focused like a laser on food stamps at the White House. It’s hard to say which matters more, Tim Geithner’s constant pleading for creation of a new Federal Reserve Food Stamp Bank, or Leon Panetta pleading for the world’s biggest Food Stamp Cannon. I say we can have both, because that’s what the TeleprompTer here tells me to say.