This is a blog post about nothing, so please do not read it. Its most important part is that I appreciate zippers. It goes pretty much nowhere after that. But even as a child, I marveled at zippers. Mostly I marveled because I was sitting in a classroom desperate for ANYTHING to distract me from meaningful effort. THIS ZIPPER is interesting! And now here I am again, as an adult, doing precisely the same thing.

Assuming you were once a child in a classroom, you too may have peered down at the fabulous nano product of the industrial age. Those tiny little bits of precision brass somehow or other attached to their fabric perimeter, that don’t link together unless passed through the simplest of little micro railway cars, and then they are nearly unbreakable in their cohesion. RIGHT THERE ON MY CLOTHING! Did you too discover that you could knit the chain up together BY HAND, one link at a time? Hours of study-time fun right there.

Anyway, the zipper recently broke (PLASTIC!) on my winter coat and I discovered it had backup snaps. Snaps are fun. Still. Where zippers are serious, snaps are frivolous. And here we go into the other fasteners. Buckles are muscular, even the little ones. The tiny clasps on women’s necklaces are things too small for men’s meaty fingers, so don’t ask us to help with those. Velcro is nasty. Buttons are friendly, like people you like but don’t love. But they are improbable, though not as improbable as zippers. And speaking of improbable, SHOELACES anyone? Hey, moron, your shoe is untied AGAIN. You’d think that by the twenty-first century, we’d have come up with a better substitute for all this than Velcro.

Could this be a metaphor for American politics, in case my editor wonders what the hell I’m doing here? Why, yes it could be. I’ll write that paragraph right after I fix this zipper.