Kirstie Alley and Maksim Chmerkovskiy on performance night. (Adam Taylor/ABC)

This week’s alleged waltzers, Chelsea Kane and partner Mark Ballas aren’t waltzing any more – they’re doing Choreography! We know it’s a waltz because it’s in three-quarters time, but otherwise this is Mark’s shot at being crowned the next Michael Kidd. In the number, they’ve washed up on a beach, she’s drowned. He gives her mouth-to-mouth but apparently she’s got some serious cooties because after they frolick on the beach for a while, he drops dead. “Too much emphasis on the story,”pronounces judge Len Goodman. But judges Bruno Tonioli and Carrie Ann Inaba sling around words like “precious jewel” and “perfection” and hand her two 10’s, to Len’s 9.

Photo Gallery: “Dancing With the Stars”

Results recap: Who got sent home?

Hines Ward and Kym Johnson dance the foxtrot and Hines says he’s under orders to make it “cheesy.” He does plenty of that, but, as usual, Hines’ most best move is his smile and also, as usual, the judges gross up his scores with the Sportsman Handicap, awarded to all beefy pro-sports guys who agree to compete on “DWTS” as a thank-you for making ballroom dancing seem more mainstream. Hines trots off with 28 points.

Romeo and partner Chelsie Hightower will dance the tango to Britney Spears’ “Hold It Against Me.” It’s disco tango – lots of dark blue light and green lasers. Romeo demonstrates intensity, huffing and puffing like he’s nearing the end of a marathon. Ok, it’s not the most romantic image but at least he’s looking like a take-charge, tango-leading guy, for which he’s awarded 27 points.

Last week:

Results night: Kendra Wilkinson returned to reality

Performance night: Kirstie and Romeo stumble

Ralph Macchio and Karina Smirnoff will do a dark and violent Viennese waltz. But at the start of rehearsals, Ralph goes down with intense pain in one leg. Cut to a hospital where he’s surrounded by loving, concerned family – make that surrounded by Karina. He’s obviously being hospitalized under the DWTS Medical Plan, which requires a celebrity stand-in. And apparently, “DWTS” gets to pick the doctor, who gives a show-must-go-on diagnosis, telling Ralph and Karina the “good news” that Ralph’s only suffering from a ruptured cyst, not actual damage to anything. Anyway, they head into Monday night’s show having barely rehearsed. “We’re screwed” Karina bravely informs Ralph at the end of the rehearsal tape. They hit the stage and Ralph’s dance is pretty dramatic, though we think the guyliner – and Karina’s super-sheer knickers-revealing dress -- get a lot of the credit. Hines gets 25 points.

Kirstie Alley and Maks Chmerkovskiy will dance the Argentine tango. There’s drama in the rehearsal hall when Kirstie falls once. Then she falls twice. “I think I’m going to pass out. I haven’t eaten enough” she explains. Her daily intake: 1400 calories. “I don’t think it’s enough” says Maks. Kirstie doesn’t argue. They hit the stag and it’s her best performance in a while. She’s hitting all the steps, even draping herself over Maks’s glass thigh at one point. She’s dancing like, well, a starving chick who’s just had her best meal in weeks. This isn’t just the Argentine tango – it’s the Five Course Chef’s Special at Casa Argentina with Dessert- Cart Included tango! The judges load her up with 28 points.

This week, each celebrity returns for an Insta-dance; they get 20 minutes to rehearse a dance number with a tune they’ve just picked out of a bowl in the Celebriquarium under the watchful eye of Brooke Burke.

Cheslea and Mark demonstrate via salsa why they’re this season’s best dance team by far. Of course, since neither of them are professional athletes or accident-prone middle agers, they get just 26 more points.

Hines and Kym get stuck with the jive for their insta-dance, which the judges note is one of the hardest dances in the competition. Bruno thinks Hines was flatfooted and the audience boos Bruno when he only coughs up 8 points while the others deliver 9’s.

Romeo unbuttons his shirt for his insta-salsa con six pack. He pulls off this complicated hand-over -hand Chelsea throw, but they lose their way the end and finish out of step. The judges seem divided – Len gives him a 9 but the others only 8’s. In the Celebriquarium, Brooke asks Romeo about that and, in response, Romeo notes, “My movie came out and made movie magic this weekend.” Spoken like a true pro!

At the start of Ralph and Karina’s insta-cha cha, he’s sitting down like he’s too much in pain to go on. Karina lays a hand on his injured leg – and he’s up and dancing! The dance has a whiff of physical therapy about it; Ralph is being pretty cautious in his steps but doing his best to complete the requirements. Not so entertaining but we’re pretty sure it will qualify for insurance coverage. Ralph limps off stage to get 21 more points.

We love a story insta-dance! Kirstie’s an American tourist, recently divorced and binge eating 2800 calories a day to compensate, who picks up a professional escort in a Caribbean bar for a night of salsa and paid drinks. Kirstie is dancing like a woman who’s knocked back a few umbrella drinks and is living it up. We particularly liked the mis-timed ending when she launches herself toward the judges table from across the floor and lands there many seconds after the music has actually ended. Good enough for 25 more points!