Dancing with the Stars Guilty Pleasures results night kicks off with the newly merged boy banders Newkidzhittingtheir40s and Backproblemboyz performing a number from their tour, while all those viewers who came of age in the 80’s see their lives flash before their eyes.
The two celebrities at the top of the week’s leader board, Chelsea Kane and Romeo, are both told they are safe and we see taped footage of Chelsea’s dance partner, Mark Ballas twisting his ankle during rehearsal for Monday’s performance show.
DWTS host Tom Bergeron asks judge Len Goodman which performance from Monday’s show he’d like to see again. Len picks Kendra Wilkinson’s crowd-pleasing, silicone-shaking samba because it was “one of the hottest dances ever – I’m surprised the sprinkler system didn’t kick in.”
It holds up well a second night. At the end of the performance judge Bruno Tonioli can be seen fanning Len to cool him down.
Backstage in the Celebriquarium, hostess Brooke Burke asks Romeo how it feels to finally get a 10 score from one of the judges.
“It’s like the first time I asked Halle Berry out and she said ‘yes’,” Romeo boasts. So all it takes is a 10 paddle from judge Carrie Ann Inaba and Romeo drops the whole, “I’m doing this for the kids” simpering and starts tele-hitting on Halle Berry?
As an interviewer, Brooke hasn’t yet learned about the whole follow-up question thing, and lets Romeo’s claim pass, without demanding some kind of proof-of-dating – a restaurant receipt or something.
In marked contrast, Ralph Macchio, is standing in the Celebriquarium with Romeo. When Brooke tries to make Ralph’s dance partner Karina Smirnoff re-live Monday night’s whole Cossack-coat nightmare, asking Karina how “stressed” she is over the “mistake” she made on Monday, does Ralph jump in and boast he once dated the entire female cast of “The Breakfast Club”? Nosiree! He rescues Karina for a second consecutive night.
“I want to clear something up,” Ralph tells Brooke like he means it to sting. “It was a mishap and not a mistake.”
Karina, in fact, had tripped over Ralph’s long Cossack coat tails. We blame the DWTS costumer.
The DWTS producers attempt to subject us to some rehearsal footage of the DWTS Baby Dancers. But we have a DVR. And we say, no celebrities – no rehearsal footage!
Moving on, celebrity dancers Hines Ward and Kirstie Alley are both told they are safe.
Time for this week’s Macy’s Dance Interlude. This week, in honor of Friday’s royal wedding, choreographer Christopher Scott has interpreted the Great Circle of Love. It starts with this little boy at the tiny AstroTurf Park in London, who’s smitten with this little girl. Lap dissolve to their wedding years later, which is a lot like the last wedding we attended, in which the chicks danced with some dignity while the guys dropped to the floor to dance The Alligator.
Back to AstroTurf Park, where the couple, now old and grey, are dancing like – well, like old folk wary of dancing on AstroTurf. They dance behind the park’s only tree and the old man is disappeared. The old lady is confused and sad, and goes back behind the tree in search of her husband, and the tree gets her too this time. On the bright side, the two original kids are back, like ageless boy band members.
“It’s not often a cast-off from ‘American Idol’ goes directly from the elimination across the hall into our ballroom,” Bergeron says by way of introducing Pia Zadora, the dark-haired, big-voiced beauty who got booted off “American Idol” a while back. And we don’t want to give anything away, but in a promo we saw Mark Ballas with his arm around Pia while fellow pro dancer Katrina Smirnoff looked faux rejected.
Pia Toscano breaks out into “I’ll Stand By You” – again. Only, this time Mark and Katrina help things along, performing a dance with a lot of muscular lifts, while the DWTS insurance agents avert their eyes.
Anybody else out there feel that if they never hear Pia Toscano sing “I’ll Stand By You” again it will be okay with them? Once again we’re treated to Pia’s tonsils with the final note, which she very nearly hits.
At the end of the number, Bergeron asks how the heck she got voted off “Idol” and Pia responds coolly that “everything happens for a reason, so I’m in a good place now, so it’s all good.”
Undaunted, Bergeron asks Pia if Mark is a good kisser. “He’s a wonderful person,” she says cautiously. Mark blows her a kiss. Let’s give these kids some privacy now, shall we?
Hey, Kendra is safe! But only after we get to see the playback of her Monday samba, and hear her pro dance partner Louis Amstel coaching her, “Go Kendra! Go Kendra! Shake that [heinie]” during her performance. That’ll take a while to un-remember.
This leaves Ralph Macchio and Chris Jericho still waiting to learn their “Dancing” fate.
Well, if Ralph is out after his gallantry, then America has lost its moral GPS. Fortunately, it’s Jericho who gets the hook – the WaPo TeamTV poll called it right again.
Chris gets sent home. He always was Mr. In Between—athletic, but not so much an athlete as Hines Ward; funny, but not so funny as Mike Catherwood; nice, but not so nice as Ralph Macchio. We’ll miss him. OK, we really mean we’ll miss his tightly wound partner, Cheryl Burke who lends an air of imminent explosion to any dance partnership she winds up with on DWTS. If Ralph had tripped her with a Cossack coat, you can bet she would have grabbed him by that coat and flicked him into the audience like a bug on a bed sheet. Goodbye, Cheryl!