View Photo Gallery: Former contestants return for the 15th season.

“Dancing with the Stars’” first all-star elimination begins with Emmy-winning host Tom Bergeron noting that previous night’s show was so packed – 13 competitors, so many commercials – they did not have time to ask each of the celebs why they decided to return for another shot at the Mirror Ball Trophy.

So that’s how they’re going to fill two hours tonight!

“I think I took a lot of heat last time for making it to the finals,” reality-TV star Bristol Palin says, kicking off the Taped Explainers.

“And, I’m sure there’s going to be a lot of heat with me being in the all-star season,” Bristol continues defensively. “But I know I do deserve to be here, because I work as hard as anyone else, and I hope this time around I can be a lot more confident.”

“I AM the season one champion,” Kelly Monaco says, as though daring anyone to contradict her. Monaco, you’ll recall, won that first season, when there was no results night, so the producers had to take audience votes from the previous week and tally them with professional judges’ votes from the current week, to decide which could got cut. TV critics were outraged, some viewers didn’t like it either, so the network held a dance off, for charity, and the first season’s runner-up, John O’Hurley won.

Pamela Anderson says she returned because she loves to perform. Unfortunately, she doesn’t love to rehearse, which left her with the fewest judges’ votes this week, and us with the strong feeling she’s going home. She clearly thinks so too, because she’s fighting tears.

Helio Castroneves’ dance partner Chelsie Hightower is surprised to learn Helio is Brazilian, thinking he is Portuguese. She’s even more surprised to learn Brazilians speak Portuguese. So you can imagine how shocked she is to learn Canadians speak Spanish. Which is to say, Helio explained to her that most people who live in South America speak Spanish, and Chelsea naturall thought he meant Canada, because Canada is in North America.

Helio is going to have a long 10 weeks on “Dancing.”

And so the two hours continued. The show’s three judges – none of whom are Nicki Minaj, Usher, Mariah Carey, Britney, or making $18 million a year – want to see Emmitt and Cheryl Burke perform the board-leading cha-cha-cha again. So they do. They should just give them the Mirror Ball Trophy and be done with it. But then we’d have no place for Pitbull to perform a tune from Global Warming, and Justin Bieber to deliver a heartfelt “As Long As You Love Me” while performing Airline Industry Ramp Personnel Handsignal choreography, as tweener girls in the audience scream, “Oh! My! God!”

Pitbull congratulates Bergeron on winning the Emmy for best reality series host two nights earlier. Bieber doesn’t let Bergeron anywhere near him after his performance.

At the end of two hours of fun, three celebrities find themselves at the bottom of the heap: Bristol, Drew Lachey, and doomed Pamela.

The first celebrity cut from the all-star edition of “Dancing with the Stars” is: Pamela.

“I was ready for it, for sure. We got the lowest score,” Pamela says, insisting she will continue to dance.